returns

it seems as if returns have been the theme around here the last few days....

the first return
the sonogram pictures have been returned to the birthmother....as have the pictures of her family she gave us the first time we met...we hope she is well and surrounded by people who will love and support her with the birth of her baby boy in a few weeks.

though the boxin up of these things, writin the note, and goin to the post office weren't enjoyable, it was good to find some finality in it all. our hearts aren't sealed w/hope yet....but in the few days since the post office, we've had good conversations and been able to keep movin forward.

the second return
a few days ago, we began again the process of findin an adoption agency. we've dabbled in this process here and there the last year and a half or so... i think our attitude was a little different then, though. i think those months were filled w/a lingering sense of "if we just wait long enough, we'll get pregnant...." so the websites we read and the conversations we had were mostly informational....our minds could only walk around the edges of this land called 'adoption'....while our hearts' attentions stayed turned toward pregnancy.

but now, things are different. we're different, i think. life has changed and kept movin....and we've done what we've known to do to keep up.

as best we know, keepin up today means findin an adoption agency... so we've looked at websites, emailed a couple friends, and contacted about 1/2 dozen agencies. we've heard back from most of them and are tryin to sift through all the relevant details in order to decide which agency we want to commit to. if you're interested and have some spare time, here are the websites of some of the agencies we've contacted:

http://www.specialdeliveryadoptions.org
http://www.livalt.org
http://www.adoptioncovenant.org/
http://www.inheritanceadoptions.org/
http://adoptionsbygladney.com/index.html

one day at a time...exchanging emails w/these agencies....and siftin thru the details, the processes, and the ways our hearts and spirits respond...

at the moment, we have one pre-application questionnaire and one application sittin on our dinin room table....and another application in pdf format saved in the computer.... all blank...mostly b/c completing any of them will involve a fairly significant investment of our time and our trembling hearts.... hopefully the next few days will bring some answers to the questions we've asked these agencies, and we can decide which application/questionnaire we want to complete.

deep breath.... and join nemo...."just keep swimming....just keep swimming..."

unexpected

the last blog was a brief update of the last few weeks....and then some words about the letter we had written to the father...at that time, it was minimized on this computer...

...it's now saved as a word document somewhere in the bowels of this machine. it never made it to the printer....into an envelope....through the united states postal service system...and into the hands of the birthfather.

josh and i had an agreement -- i would write the letter, and he would call the birthmother. we had to call her for the birthfather's mailin address. we wanted to call her and tell her what the lawyer had said, check on her, and make sure it was okay that we sent the letter. josh called in the mornin and caught her at work...she answered the phone and said she'd call back.

she hasn't.

can't say we're terribly surprised. a lot has happened in her life since we met her back in january. people in her community have come alongside her and supported her in some much-needed ways...provided for her and her kids...and believe she can grow into a better life than the one she's had.

so maybe she's changed her mind b/c of the change in circumstance.... maybe when she talked to the birthfather, and he said no (to the adoption), she gave up on the chance for adoption.... maybe she's determined her heart to keep and love and raise this baby... regardless of her motivation, a lot of time has passed since we last spoke...at least a lot of time relative to her pregnancy....and as the one w/the baby in her womb, she began workin toward bein the best mother she can be rather than waitin around for the birthfather to change his mind. the situation is what it is for her....and we believe she's tryin to turn things around, tryin to make the best of it.

and we're glad for her. we really are. josh said from the beginnin "she has the heart of a mother but doesn't always have the head (of a mother)." hopefully w/the support she has now, she can make better decisions and raise her children as they need to be raised. she's a brave, determined, strong young woman...

we don't expect to hear from her. but this isn't what we were expectin.

it's gettin close to bedtime.... josh and i have had a really good day together... yesterday was our 7th anniversary :) ... and i think the best thing for tonite is to leave it at that.

good nite.