Monday, December 22, 2008


Practicing reloads with Lt. Gordon watching. Notice my slick thinking to use my belt loop for a magazine holder....
Me on my trip to Kennedy County, on the Kennedy ranch. Notice the bay and the cattle all in the same place. Really pretty, plus we caught some fish, but missed the bad guys.

Me, Srba, and Long cooking out.

Home away from home. #5

One of lens birthday present for me, a COWBOYS jersey. At least it was Whitten.

Swimming at Ft. Hood. Lt Brooks is in the foreground.

Heading to Ft. Hood. Massive caravan of future game wardens.

Swift, Ilse, Long and Johnson trying to figure out how to write citations. Not fun....

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Times and Trials

Well as Lens said I just got back from a trip to east texas. Quite interesting....

I did everything from ride on a 500 hp airboat to go 75 miles in a 26 boston whaler checking oyster boats. And let me tell you...I don't think checking oyster boats for a living would be very fun. Although I think I could do anything with this job. When we went out in the air boat it was me and Ilse, one of my friends here, and we spent all morning checking duck hunters. Oh yeah, we started at 2:00 am. Let me tell you, I need one of those boats. That airboat will go on any land or water. We jumped several obsticales that were must steeper than I would drive a truck over. Not much else can be said other than it was way cool.

The oyster boats were the equivelant of measuring muddy rocks on a boat that is swaying back and forth. Interesting but not alot of fun. The game wardens that we rode with were way cool. They let us take to lead on all of the contacts and write all of the citations. Quite an experience.

It has been a couple of weeks since I have seen lens. Times are hard. Some days I sit in my dorm and think, "what was I thinking, there is no way this is worth it." I don't know if this is how I really feel or it is just the fact that life is hard and times are tough. I miss my wife terribly and my life with my friends and family. I would have to say that my close friends that I have made here are really helping me. We find a way to encourage everyone to press on and push through. I can't even being to talk about the encouragement that lens has been for me. We still have a long way to go but that girl is sticking by me through everything. We are having to find a way to communicate through this distance. Such a challenge.

I really enjoy knowing there are friends and family out there that care, that want to hear about me and lens. Friends that we care about. Thanks to all for the support and the love. Thanks to those who have stopped in to look after Lens for me. You all are a life saver. To my wife...much love and be strong. I love you deeply.

Here is a picture for everyone. Me and Ilse on the edge of the airboat in front of a beautiful sunrise on the trinity bay.

Monday, December 15, 2008

adoption talk

so we haven't said anything about adoption in a while....mostly, that's due to josh goin to the academy. life has so drastically changed since mid-october, and it's only been in the last couple weeks that we've managed to talk about anything else. really, there's not a lot to be said right now...but i'll say what i can.

we still haven't made any sort of definitive choice b/w an agency adoption and a private adoption. we haven't learned anything more significant about either direction....and for the most part, we still feel the same way (see jr's blog "popsicles and oil changes"). however, i think we have a few more words for why we feel the way we do.... well, at least i do.

i'm a do-er. i like organizing and problem solving and list-making and tangibly, practically working toward an end. all the time. it can be a weakness sometimes, as i can border on some ocd tendancies :) ... these tendancies lean me toward agency adoption. oddly enough, it's not b/c i think we'd have more control...but b/c it's a littler cleaner process...there are more fixed steps in the system: decide which agency, apply (which entails filling out extensive paperwork, signing contracts, etc), attend classes, pay the fees, schedule the home visit, and keep in contact w/the agency....and that's all BEFORE a baby is found for us. we do our part; they do theirs. there are tasks to be completed (some big, some small...varying in depth and complexity...but all clearly defined tasks), and the process is set in motion. can you see why i lean toward an agency? it's full of things for me to DO...even though finding a birth mother is not ultimately up to us, there are things to do. and that would at least help me feel better.

goin the private route is....well....exactly the opposite. we wait. we share our story w/people we know (and at times, some we don't). and we wait. sure, there will be plenty to do legally once an adoptive mother decides she wants josh and me to be her baby's adoptive parents....but those things will have to be done through an agency just the same. i'm talkin about and next week....the private route doesn't come w/a marked map to follow.

and some days, it's almost like there's a moral opposition in us to payin someone thousands of dollars to find a baby who simply needs to be loved and tended to and provided for.

so that's where we sit....for now....

we have realized somethin new -- our decision to pursue adoption hasn't lessened the difficult pain of not bein able to get pregnant....that's been kinda surprising at times....i think we've been a little caught off-guard. but that's okay. josh would say "that's part of it." and i guess it is...and maybe always will be? i don't know.... all i'm certain of is our shared longing to become parents.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

gators, oysters, and insomnia

josh is finishin up his long weekend @ the coast. he headed east early enough on friday mornin that it can't be described as "bright and early" b/c the "bright" would indicate the sun to be shining....but even the sun was still asleep when they hit the road. once their destination was reached, one of the first conversations he had was w/a local man talkin about the alligators on the road.

what?! first of all, i didn't know texas housed alligators. secondly, regardless of residence, alligators definitely do not belong on the road. wowza...

the first mornin, josh and his buddy met up w/a game warden (again, while the sun itself was still snoozin), and they headed out to check duck hunters. apparently, most of the landscape in that part of the state is their mode of transportation was an air boat. they had a great time...which is good...b/c to me, the only redemptive thing about gettin up that early and bein really cold would be if it was a LOT of fun!

today, they met up w/a different warden and checked oysters all day...i don't know if oysters are fished or hunted or gathered or trapped...but whatever man does to obtain them must be done w/in the parameters of wildlife josh, his buddy, and the game warden enforced these laws today.

they have some business-y stuff to take care of in the mornin, then they head back to the academy....hopefully in time to do some laundry!

as for the insomnia...that would be mine. normally, i start gettin sleepy around 9:30 or 10:00 (i'm quite the old fogie [not sure how to spell 'fogie']). last thursday, i was wide awake until i willed myself into bed around midnight. i attributed it to the overabundance of coke i'd been indulding in ALL day. however, as the weekend is drawin to an end...i'm thinkin maybe it wasn't the coke....i didn't have a coke friday nite, and i was up coke today, it's after 10...and i'm up writin this blog.

frankly, i'm not sleepin that well w/o josh here....and i'm gettin to where i don't like goin to bed....the bed's big and cold, the house dark and empty... it's not that i feel unsafe, really...i just can't get used to sleepin alone. there's somethin not right about it...

on a lighter livin room is an absolute disaster...covered in christmas presents, wrappin paper, boxes, and ribbon (which i've never figured out how to tie and make pretty).

think i'll finish watchin the cowboys' game before hittin the sack

Sunday, December 7, 2008

weekend in the city

do you open or close w/the funny story?

let's open.

preface: for those of you who don't know, josh and i LOVE america's funniest home videos. a couple years ago, one of the videos that won was a wife who locked her husband out of the house and made him dance before she'd let him in. naturally, josh and i began employing a similar game...only ours involves our vehicles and very public places.

story: today, josh and i sat in chile's eatin and watchin sunday football. we had a swell time. on the way out to the pickup, we started horsin' around, and i dropped his keys. for fear of him takin them and lockin me out of the pickup until i danced, i half-heartedly tried to give the keys a boot...but to no avail. josh grabbed the keys, and there i was in the all-too-familiar place of havin to do a jig before bein granted access to the pickup. we laughed like we always do. he turned up the music like he always does. i refused to dance like i always do. and then the unexpected - he went too far. he insisted that i stand in the bed of the pickup and do the jig...rather than quietly there b/w our pickup and the one parked next to us. what?!?! no way. for the first time in our game, i begged. i pleaded. (and not for the first time) i laughed hysterically. surely he'd let me off! surely, if i just laughed long enough, looked desperate enough, he'd be filled w/mercy and unlock the door. - no. - insistent. so right off a major highway in austin, in front of a full lunch-rushed restaurant, in the middle of a crowded parkin lot, i'm dancin in the back of a pickup.

he's so proud of himself, as yall can imagine. but the story will not end here. no, my friends, this is only the beginning . . .

needless to say, josh and i had a wonderful time this weekend. an old friend of mine from high school picked me up at the airport, and we had the chance to catch up for a bit while josh made the driven trek into the city. the rest of the weekend, we went to a few stores...ate some good food...went to the texas state history museum on ut's campus...watched a movie...and thoroughly enjoyed simply bein near each other.

i usually have an agenda of some sort. a to-do list...even if it's only of "fun" things. but by saturday mornin, i realized i had no such agenda to stick to or plan to follow or schedule to meet or list to complete....all i wanted to do was to be as close to josh as i could be for as long as i could be.

i'm no expert on most of what josh likes, namely firearms. i'm hardly acquainted w/them really. but this mist of longing fell on me this weekend . . . we spent the better part of saturday mornin at this huge gun store, and it was such peace for me to simply be w/him... the remainder of our time together was much the same. we just piddled around and drank deeply of the time we had together.

he'll get to come home for a few days over christmas...i can hardly wait.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Fish out of Water

It Josh again.

So many things are happening here in Hamilton that I don't think that I can explain them all. So much class, running, studing, little sleep and way too many gadgets. Yes, there are so many gadgets that I am getting that my locker here is getting stuffed full of too many way cool items. We got our body armor in yesterday. I have to say that it is a little menacing to put that vest on and have to wear it around on a daily basis knowing that it was designed to stop a bullet. Still pretty dang cool tho.

So we have been studing and learning all sorts of wildlife law, rules, regulations and proclimations. But the latest of these topics that we have learned has been commercial fishing regulations. This applies to all fishermen who want to catch fish in order to sell them as a business. But it also includes people who want to buy them and restraunts who want to sell them. So I am not from the coast (which is where this happens) and I don't know much about the coast. So here I am, this panhandle boy, sitting in a class listening to a guy talk about these 80 pages of rules that strickly apply to saltwater. I am so lost that I can't even see straight. There is one thing that I have learned through all of this. Pray to be placed in the Panhandle!!!!!

They were talking about all the saltwater equipment today and there were several times that I had to actually stand up and ask what something meant. So out of place in the whole salt water senario. But needless to say I should probably try to learn some of this stuff, becuase with the McCrary's luck I will probably get the coast. I can just hear all of the commercial fishermen now, "I hope we get another one of those panhandle boys, they don't know a black drum from a black bass."

So with all of the frustration of trying to learn stuff that I have no clue about, I find the best way to deal with things is to make "funnies." So the oyster regulations come up and all I could think about was, the panhandle doesn't have oysters that look like rocks, but we do have Rocky Mountain Oysters. I guess the salt water rules don't apply to calf fries???? But the class still got a laugh out of it. Laughing has been a great stress releiver for me here. There is so much that it is impossible to be able to learn it all extensivly. So I learn what I can and laugh about the things that I hope I never have to know.

On a much lighter note: lens is coming down to see me this weekend. Actually she is flying into Austin and we are going to go to GT distributers. That is a place that sells to law enforcement agencies and they have the best prices on guns and neat gadgets. So I am taking lens and we are going to go check ou this place and spend the rest of the weekend together. Should prove to be very interesting.

Next week we go over more saltwater rules and regs, and actually get to get some hands on experience with measuring oysters and nets and such. Then on Friday we leave to go to the coast and are scattered out down the coast for 4 days. My group is going to Hankamer Texas. Not only is this place on the coast it is about as close to Louisiana as you can get. So I am not only going to the coast, I am going to east texas AND the coast!!! Well, I guess if I like it there I will be good to go anywhere on the coast, because it can only get better. Hankamer is the other side of Beaumont. We will be checking fishermen and duck hunters. As much as I don't like east texas or the coast, it will beat the heck out of sitting in the classroom.

Thats all for tonight gotta go study.

Sunday, November 30, 2008


my mathematically-inclined husband came home for thanksgiving and w/in the first few minutes, informed me that we were 14.2% through the academy. as he got ready to leave today, we discussed whether christmas would be closer to 1/3 or 1/4 of the way through...and he decided 3/8 would be the most accurate.

we had 3 entire days a little on each end. it was so good to see him! he's trimmed down and now officially weighs less than he did when we got married. we never thought we'd see the day :)....and i'm pretty sure our grocery bill's goin up, b/c he's eatin like a horse! we had a great time - we slept in, ate a wonderful thanksgivin meal, got caught up on ufc and greys, went deer huntin, saw lots of family, spent an evenin w/some dear friends, and i even managed to sneak behind a corner and scare him one nite! (one of our favorite past times - haha)

he told several funny stories...everything from game warden jokes to practicing handcuffing technique on one of the lieutenants and havin him holler "somebody get this rookie off of me!" he's lovin it - learnin all there is to learn about wildlife and game law...bein in better shape and feelin better physically...learnin various defense techniques....and the countless toys he's bein issued (fancy flashlights, nifty gps systems, brand new handcuffs, just to name a couple). he brought a few pictures home, but we're waitin on clarification re: what all we can post publicly. as soon as we get that news, i'll get some pictures here for yall to see.

i just got off the phone w/him...he made it back to the academy okay and is already workin hard studyin and gettin some paperwork done. i'm still not used to him bein gone...and yet, it took no time at all to get used to him bein home again. in light of his latest departure, i haven't many creative words....just miss him like crazy. once this wave eases up some, i'll write again.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Queen Amoung Women

This is Josh. First I want to say that I have so much that I want to share with everyone about my first two weeks in the academy. However, this post is not going to be about me and my time here. This post is going to be about my wife.

If you don't know it, it takes a very special and deep woman to be the wife of a game warden. And I don't say that just becuase I grew up with one. From the very beginning it is extremely tough. Seven months of being home alone wondering what and where your husband is, wondering is he missing me like I am missing him. My wife sleeps in a bed all by herself, leaves in the morning to an empty house and comes home in the evening to an empty house. She does all of the household chores (although I know she would say "and that's different how") I don't know where she gets the courage or the strenght to maintain this type of lifestyle, much less for seven months. I don't want to talk down all of the other wives that are out there, because after living with 48 guys I have much respect for all the women out there that are wives. You have my sympathies!!!

So we make it through seven months and then what? We start a new life in places like Vider, Jasper, Pecos, Kerrville, Star....what a wife it is that is still here with me. You see...GW wives not only are wives, but they are the receipient of all the major war stories. I will get to come home and tell my wife about the guy who didn't want to be arrested, or the car chase that ended in the corn field, or why I came home with a shiner on my eye. See GW wives spend alot of time at home worring about their man in the field. Is he in a fight, is he asleep on a hill, is he on a lake? I couldn't picture a wife I would rather travel this life with other than Lindsey. GW wives get woken up in the middle of the night by phone calls meant for their husband, they have to deal with animals brought home by their husband, they host GW's in their house constantly. What a wife....

The courage it takes for lindsey to let me chase this dream, with the risks that are so apparent. Amazing! I know the pain that she has felt as of late with me being gone, the lonliness while I am down here. Such sacrifice!! But such a deep place is being built between us. A place of trust and deep longing. GW's consider their wives the most important partner they will ever have. Although she is not the person in the field with the gun that is backing you up, she is playing a much more powerful and meaningful role. She is the keeper of the GW's heart. She loves the game warden, she holds the game warden. So much of our time is spent in a place where emotions will get you killed. But a game warden can come home and be a husband, or a father, and I beleive they are a deeper form of these two because of the occupation the do every day. The wife is the cornerstone of that bond and energy.

To my wife, There isn't another woman in the world I would trust as my partner than you. I may be on a lake or in a fight, but you are my life and my dreams. I couldn't be a game warden if I couldn't come home to you every night. Seven months will be over before we know it and I smile at the fact that you will be waiting for me to smile at my stories and my adventures.

You are indeed a Queen amoung Women.....

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

caught red-handed

while josh and his cohorts were "working" on their "chores" last week (remember, this means they were playin w/and cleanin the various guns on site), they discovered two important tools: the training batons and the "red-man" suits.

side note: game wardens carry batons just like city police officers, so a training version of these batons is kept at the academy. also, for various training exercises, they have to wear protective gear. this gear is compiled of several pieces of padding they strap on (knee pads, elbow pads, helmet, etc). the gear is red, thus the nickname "red-man" suit.

back to the josh and the guys find the training batons and red-man suits. bein full-blooded boys, what did they do? well, they strapped on the red-man suits and went after each other w/the trainin batons, of course! let's all enjoy a chuckle as we picture this.... now for the best part. they get caught! yep - their lieutenant walks in and sees these boys disguised as full grown men, dressed from head to toe in the red-man suits, w/the trainin batons in hand. seriously, is there ANYthing to be done in this situation? no excuse, no explanation, no far-fetched story could get them out of this one. can you imagine? now i'm laughin!!! fortunately, their lieutenant was probably just like them 20 years ago...he simply shook his head and reprimanded them w/an exasperated, "boys, boys..."

we all know whose idea this was... even the rigors of the academy can't subdue his playfulness!

this was just one of the many stories josh's folks and i got to hear this weekend. we laughed and laughed. he's learned so much already. his regularly used vocabulary is changing, as he's delving into penal codes and wildlife law. he's slightly more organized, as he's responsible for all sorts of coding and time keeping. and he's havin a ball...he's just eatin it up.

although, i don't know that he's actually eatin enough food. i don't know how much weight he's technically lost, but it's more than enough to make his pants baggy...even straight out of the dryer!

it was such sweet time w/him for those couple days. probably won't see him again until thanksgiving, but he'll have several days off then. we're already lookin forward to it.

he's doin so well...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

no creative title available

these first few days w/o josh have been....okay. i have a few folks checkin on me regularly, which i dearly appreciate. and fortunately, i've been able to connect w/josh several times. mostly, we're textin back and forth....some of you more cell phone-savvy folks might understand why one cannot complete a call but can send and receive texts w/o difficulty and can feel free to explain it to me later. anyway...we've texted quite a bit, which has been good for both of us. i had a real treat tonite and had the chance to talk to him for about 20 minutes! so good to hear his sweet voice....

he seems good. exhausted, wiped out, and really tired...but good. especially good tonite. the instructor they had teachin them today helped to put lots of things in perspective. he explained the reason behind why they're learnin and doin a lot of what they're learnin and doin. this really helped the work doesn't seem so much like work for work's sake....and it helped remind him of the adventure of bein a game warden come june. he sounded drained....but motivated and encouraged.

latest scheduling updates: graduation will be june 7th...which is a good 3 weeks earlier than we thought it was gonna be. there are rumors circulating about thanksgivin and christmas breaks. however, i don't think i'll leak that information just case there's a change. and maybe the best news of the week -- he gets this weekend off! so i'm headin south after work on friday.

now for the news that will make you shake your head -- every cadet is given a work-duty. this basically means everyone has an assignment for an area they are responsible for keepin clean. some get kitchen duty, some have to clean the classroom, etc. anyone like to take a guess at what josh's "duty" is? seriously, yall, this is nuts.... he's on the "firearms and tactical" work group. so this means that whenever they go out to the range, josh is one of the guys responsible for gettin the targets and other gear. they're also the ones responsible for checkin out and checkin back in all the guns to the cadets on mondays and friday. seriously?? seriously. so while one guy's scrubbin toilets every day, josh gets to play w/guns. life is definitely NOT fair!

i think that's about all for tonite..... i miss him like crazy . . . there's somethin about bein married and then bein apart that doesn't fit quite right....but it'll be worth it. oh - if any of yall are interested in emailin him or sendin him somethin via real mail, holler at me, and i'll get you his address. (though i wouldn't expect very timely response via email....he doesn't have much internet time at all)

p.s. i just realized i actually used "text" as a verb....not sure how i feel about that

Sunday, November 2, 2008

the first day of school...

...was yesterday (saturday, november 1st). 

after a yummy lunch of sams' pizza and homemade chocolate cake at josh's office, we set out for hamilton friday afternoon. we stayed in a lovely little mom and pop was very clean and had completely mismatched decor. perfect. i slept like a rock...and josh maybe got 2 hrs of sleep all nite. if you're not familiar w/my husband's sleeping patterns, here's a quick summary: he requires a minimum of 8.5 hrs of sleep a nite...unless he's wakin up the next mornin to go huntin or fishin, and then he tosses and turns ALL nite b/c he's so excited. needless to say, startin the game warden academy was the equivalent of loadin the pickup w/guns and his buddies and headin out. 

saturday mornin was the only time i would be allowed on the facility grounds, so i went w/him. he was issued a big black duffle bag full of a few clothes binoculars, handcuffs, a radio...just to name a few. we unpacked a few of his things into his locker, put his food in the freezer, and tried to make his bed. an extra-long, vinyl, twin mattress....oh the comforts of home! after we did as much as we could do, he took me back into town. i headed home....and he headed back out. he had to change into his cadet uniform and be in class by 1:00. 

we didn't have a chance to talk last nite, but i did receive this text: "worn plum-ass out!!! i just polished my first boot and made my first military bed!!!" two things became apparent - they're gonna work them really hard...and he and i did a pretty shoddy job of makin his bed :)

i did get the chance to talk to him tonite for a few minutes. he still sounded incredibly excited and glad to be doin what he's doin. he said that the workload of grad school won't have anything on the amt of readin and studyin he'll be doin the next few months. the amt of material they'll cover in the next 34 weeks has been compared to the amt of material covered in 2 years of undergrad studies....but they're only in class 1/2 the day and have only a few hours every evenin to study. i think it'll be a pretty intense, consistently stressful environment...and i'm convinced he'll do well.

on a slightly different note.... we apologize for the delay in postings since our last one. the last couple weeks were full of gettin both of us ready for josh to leave... the house is a wreck, the fridge is empty, my satchel has become an abyss for receipts, and i've lost my our blog is only one of many things neglected :)

we haven't made any further decisions about adoption, either. i think it'll take us a few weeks to get into a sort of rhythm, and then we'll be able to talk and think and explore a little more.

i'll be updating as often as i can....and learnin how to post pictures here is on my list of things to do this week. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Popsicles and Oil Changes...

Before I start, this is Josh.  I tend to write a little different than my wife.  I am not articulate, or grammatically correct.  I tend to place commas at random, and all the while it reads perfect to me.  So please be patient, and realize my gifts are with my hands not my words (as is lens' gift.)

So onto the excitement. I have been really sick the last couple of days so I haven't gone to work.  Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I am a slacker.  So I was feeling a little better yesterday so we decided we would start this whole process of talking to some people to get the ball rolling on the whole adoption thing.  So lens called a lawyer and an agency and scheduled times for us to go and meet with them.  Sounded like a great idea, hear both options in one we thought.

I can't even begin to tell you the difference in feelings that were produced during these two meetings.  We were at the agency for about one and a half hours, and at the lawyers for about an hour.  Neither one felt horribly wrong, or distinctly better than the other, just different.  To me it was the difference between popsicles and oil changes.  In other words, two opposite ends of a very good spectrum.  Neither end being worse or better than the other.  Both ends provided options for great situations.  Situations that could allow me to be a.......daddy.

Unfortunately it would have made us feel better if we could have walked into one situation and felt creepy or horrible.  That would help us along with a decision.  But this is a process after all.  I was wanting it to be like choosing a tool, or a your research and go feel them out and just do it.  Well.....not quite that easy.  Lens compared the two meeting to buying a car, and going to the lot and one salesman showing you a car, and the other one showing you a truck.  Both are good, just so very different.

For lack of space and time, I won't go into very specific details.  The agency we met with is called Special Delivery Adoptions.  Some of the things we liked:  They have a fixed preset price (no matter what happens), they were really nice and sweet, they really care to look after the birthmother.  Some of the things we didn't like:  Expensive (or at least in our terms), this agency didn't have a lot of experience (only 11 placements so far), and they require that you go to church and sign a statement of faith (for those of you that know me, this was a negative for me).

The lawyer we met with was really nice and didn't come across as a lawyer (no offense minnie, i love you).  He was reassuring and straight forward.  Some of the things we liked:  It is more affordable, allows more contact with the birth mother, and just less confusing trails of "who meets who" and "who tells who", it would allow us to choose the birth mother.  Some of the things we didn't like:  It requires us to find that mother (with me being gone, that scares me), it could put us at risk to fraud from someone who wants to take advantage of us.

Well, my wrists are about to fall off, I am so glad that you all are reading along with us.  I will get on later and write some about being a Warden.  Till then....

Monday, October 13, 2008

intro II: adoption

the following is an excerpt from an email i sent my dear friend shasta. after readin it, josh thought this would be a good way to start the blog. so here it is...

"josh has been really thinkin about it for a while...probably longer than even i know. i've...thought about it off and on but not very seriously. a few days ago, i was goin thru the routine i've had for 3 years now: wake up, go to the bathroom, take my temperature. the monotony of my mornins has grown so blah...."droning" is the word that comes to mind (if that's even a real word). on this particular mornin, i took my temperature, read the result, realized i was startin to get moody....and just decided i was tired of doin all of this. not simply annoyed....nor thrown into the depths of impending despair....just deeply, drainingly tired. and done. when i took that breath, feelin so heavily how tired i was/am, the words "i'm done" streamed through me like cool water runnin over your hands. i can't say it felt like glorious surrender....but it didn't feel like suffocating resignation. just this place reached....i took a breath, looked around, and realized/decided i couldn't keep walkin down this dusty road. .... i was pretty w/drawn for a couple days. and then on sunday, i hardly spoke at all. the tears were fillin up every pore of my person. i resisted sayin anything to josh all day....b/c it wasn't news. ya know? our unsatisfied longings were what they have been for 3 years. but finally, i grew weary of even this. so i finally leaned into josh's chest and told him....and cried. so we sat in my grief...and josh (strangely) w/such a look of relief and .... even...anticipation, of joy.... i think he's been ready for some time, ready to look at adoption - not as a way of giving up, but as a way of finding our children in different places other than our bodies. i think he's been very patient and kind and tender w/me.....while his heart maybe reached this place months ago. but it wasn't a place he could pull me into. i think he knew this. so he waited. and here we are....openin the door into this sacred place b/w us, a place we've only invited a couple people....openin it to our families, our the world. it's frightening. and feels weird. but it also feels good and true and relieving. freeing maybe.

and it's hard. deciding we'll pursue adoption feels like we're we're givin up... for 3 years, the waves of longing have been small and huge and deep and wide...but always w/these crests of expectancy. it's only been this week that a sort of grief has set in. maybe not a permanent grief, but a sorrow for now...for our inadequacy today....for the hopes deferred for this time . . . so i write w/a new smile, a new vision forming....and a new depth of sadness and longing.......over and under it all, though, is the Anchor of Hope Who holds w/in the veil."

we hope this blog allows folks to journey w/us...and to encourage those who may be travelling similiar roads.

Sunday, October 12, 2008


josh has a facebook. i have myspace. we've decided that together, we'll have a blogspot. this way, everyone is satisfied, right? neither of us has to cross over to the other side...AND...a blogspot is a more easily accessible avenue for non-cyberspace commuters. so here we are.

our choice to join this ever-increasing gathering has been two-fold: in three weeks, josh will be movin south for the texas game warden academy, and we thought this would be an efficient way to keep lots of people updated during his 8 months away; and we've decided to walk the road of adoption.

let's tackle the first.... the academy is about 8ish months long. josh will be livin near hamilton, tx, which is about 6ish hours away from here. he'll be livin w/50+ other people and havin a blast. he gets to learn all sorts of stuff about wildlife w/guns...ride in boats...and know, experientially, what it's like to have pepper spray in one's sinus cavities. seriously, who wouldn't want to know that? when he can, josh will post updates and pictures from his adventures...and i'll try to keep regular updates comin on his stories.

for those of you who don't care for terribly long blogs, i warn you now: i'm wordy. but w/that in mind, i'll close this post for now...and tell yall about adoption next time. (what a cliff-hanger, huh?!!)