adoption talk

so we haven't said anything about adoption in a while....mostly, that's due to josh goin to the academy. life has so drastically changed since mid-october, and it's only been in the last couple weeks that we've managed to talk about anything else. really, there's not a lot to be said right now...but i'll say what i can.

we still haven't made any sort of definitive choice b/w an agency adoption and a private adoption. we haven't learned anything more significant about either direction....and for the most part, we still feel the same way (see jr's blog "popsicles and oil changes"). however, i think we have a few more words for why we feel the way we do.... well, at least i do.

i'm a do-er. i like organizing and problem solving and list-making and tangibly, practically working toward an end. all the time. it can be a weakness sometimes, as i can border on some ocd tendancies :) ... these tendancies lean me toward agency adoption. oddly enough, it's not b/c i think we'd have more control...but b/c it's a littler cleaner process...there are more fixed steps in the system: decide which agency, apply (which entails filling out extensive paperwork, signing contracts, etc), attend classes, pay the fees, schedule the home visit, and keep in contact w/the agency....and that's all BEFORE a baby is found for us. we do our part; they do theirs. there are tasks to be completed (some big, some small...varying in depth and complexity...but all clearly defined tasks), and the process is set in motion. can you see why i lean toward an agency? it's full of things for me to DO...even though finding a birth mother is not ultimately up to us, there are things to do. and that would at least help me feel better.

goin the private route is....well....exactly the opposite. we wait. we share our story w/people we know (and at times, some we don't). and we wait. sure, there will be plenty to do legally once an adoptive mother decides she wants josh and me to be her baby's adoptive parents....but those things will have to be done through an agency just the same. i'm talkin about today...now...tomorrow and next week....the private route doesn't come w/a marked map to follow.

and some days, it's almost like there's a moral opposition in us to payin someone thousands of dollars to find a baby who simply needs to be loved and tended to and provided for.

so that's where we sit....for now....

we have realized somethin new -- our decision to pursue adoption hasn't lessened the difficult pain of not bein able to get pregnant....that's been kinda surprising at times....i think we've been a little caught off-guard. but that's okay. josh would say "that's part of it." and i guess it is...and maybe always will be? i don't know.... all i'm certain of is our shared longing to become parents.