the following is an excerpt from an email i sent my dear friend shasta. after readin it, josh thought this would be a good way to start the blog. so here it is...
"josh has been really thinkin about it for a while...probably longer than even i know. i've...thought about it off and on but not very seriously. a few days ago, i was goin thru the routine i've had for 3 years now: wake up, go to the bathroom, take my temperature. the monotony of my mornins has grown so blah...."droning" is the word that comes to mind (if that's even a real word). on this particular mornin, i took my temperature, read the result, realized i was startin to get moody....and just decided i was tired of doin all of this. not simply annoyed....nor thrown into the depths of impending despair....just deeply, drainingly tired. and done. when i took that breath, feelin so heavily how tired i was/am, the words "i'm done" streamed through me like cool water runnin over your hands. i can't say it felt like glorious surrender....but it didn't feel like suffocating resignation. just this place reached....i took a breath, looked around, and realized/decided i couldn't keep walkin down this dusty road. .... i was pretty w/drawn for a couple days. and then on sunday, i hardly spoke at all. the tears were fillin up every pore of my person. i resisted sayin anything to josh all day....b/c it wasn't news. ya know? our unsatisfied longings were what they have been for 3 years. but finally, i grew weary of even this. so i finally leaned into josh's chest and told him....and cried. so we sat down....me in my grief...and josh (strangely) w/such a look of relief and .... even...anticipation, of joy.... i think he's been ready for some time, ready to look at adoption - not as a way of giving up, but as a way of finding our children in different places other than our bodies. i think he's been very patient and kind and tender w/me.....while his heart maybe reached this place months ago. but it wasn't a place he could pull me into. i think he knew this. so he waited. and here we are....openin the door into this sacred place b/w us, a place we've only invited a couple people....openin it to our families, our friends...to the world. it's frightening. and feels weird. but it also feels good and true and relieving. freeing maybe.
and it's hard. deciding we'll pursue adoption feels like we're conceding...like we're givin up... for 3 years, the waves of longing have been small and huge and deep and wide...but always w/these crests of expectancy. it's only been this week that a sort of grief has set in. maybe not a permanent grief, but a sorrow for now...for our inadequacy today....for the hopes deferred for this time . . . so i write w/a new smile, a new vision forming....and a new depth of sadness and longing.......over and under it all, though, is the Anchor of Hope Who holds w/in the veil."
we hope this blog allows folks to journey w/us...and to encourage those who may be travelling similiar roads.
5 comments:
Beautiful, just beautiful. So proud to be walking this road with you guys.
What a great decision. I know Josh knows me, but you may not--I'm Marcy, one of Mendi's good friends. I am really excited for you as you journey through this. It took us 2 years to get prego with Hudson, and it seems maybe even longer this time around. We right behind you wondering what steps to take next. It's a very hard decision, but I am so excited for you guys. I look forward to keeping up with this journey you're on.
I'm a grandma that Mendi sent over with her blog. I just want to pray for you.
Father, please bless Josh & Lindsey as they step into their unknown. Bring them peace and confidence in understanding it's not unknown to You. You've planned this out for a long time. Guide each step they take. Bless them with new life---in whichever way You choose. Put that baby in their arms that You've chosen for them. Let it be a sweet road...full of discovery, expectancy, friendship and fun! Pour out Your love on this family. In Jesus' name, Amen.
This is such a sincere, honest post! I really appreciate you're openness and the fact that you're willing to share this with others. I truly believe you have a ministry through this experience and that God will bless you guys over and above with the children He brings into your life. They will be "bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh" one way or another because God is so powerful... and that's what my prayer is for you two.
I also know several people who are going through this same thing. Is it okay if I share your blog with them?
Oh, sweet Lindsey. Thank you so much for sharing this with us! I will love praying with you through this journey. This must be difficult at times but yet so exciting to see the vision God is giving you both. What a beautiful picture we see in adoption! The picture of our own adoptions into a new life through Christ. How blessed will your children be to have been brought into a home that lives and breathes Christ.
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