one of my earliest grandma memories is sittin on her floral couch, learnin how to read a book about a little sailboat. literary affection was planted early and planted deep. not surprisingly, reading material has been a frequently visited companion through these years of infertility and adoption. subscribing to an adoption magazine felt so monumental at the time....it was one of the first tangible expressions of our pursuit. the magazine has proven to be one of the most helpful guides around...and its accompanying website and online community have provided relief during those "we're the only ones goin thru this" days.
naturally, i've been lookin for a few specific adoption books....especially those that would help our kids (and any of our friends' kids or nieces and nephews) understand this crazy way of becoming a family. fortunately, the adoptive families magazine offers a yearly reading guide for us, so those reviews served as great starting blocks. i finally had time today to sit and read through those reviews, do some online shopping, and purchased a few:
a memoir written by an adoptive mother
an official parenting guide....eek!
a cute book about a spider lookin for her mama
one of the more popular children's book on adoption
and finally, a surprisingly sweet find about a mama fox and her baby fox
so...slowly but surely, we're truckin along...still guarding our hearts in light of the innate risk...but havin a hard time persuading ourselves to be patient...
Friday, August 27, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
i wore a pink shirt
yes, you read the title correctly - a pink shirt was on my torso intentionally...and stayed there for several hours.... what's more, the unfamiliar color was worn during our visit w/the birthmom. yep - i ventured into two foreign lands in one day....the land of pink shirts...and the land of meeting birthparents. admittedly almost too much for one day.
i have a closet full of shirts that are green and brown w/splashes of orange and an occasional drop of red...but somehow, they were all dirty....nearly a literal "all"...which i did not discover until the mornin of our visit....at which time it was too late to wash anything. don't think less (or more) of me yet - the new pink shirt was not my first choice. i tried a comfortably familiar shirt w/stripes of brown and green and hidden strips of pink...but w/the pants i wanted to wear, i just wasn't feelin it, ya know? w/all the swirly weight blowin this way and that, i wanted to wear somethin i was really comfortable in...not just ride-in-the-car-comfortable, but have-big-conversations comfortable...somethin that i wouldn't think about all day, wonderin if it looked ok....oh! and have i mentioned that the birthmom is really into fashion? yep. she wants to be a buyer...maybe some of yall know what that is w/o explanation....i didn't....but i've since been educated. so even though i'm not much of a change-17-times-kinda girl, it seemed unavoidable on that thursday mornin. different pants and different shirts and different shoes....so after havin 'pink shirt' float around in the back of my mind for a while, i finally pulled it out and put it on. for whatever reason, that was it.... it was hard to accept....but it did have some green and brown in the argyle pattern....plus, it's super soft....so the decision was made. i was wearin a pink shirt.
we left on time...which we were quite proud of...we're both at-home in the clothes adorning our bodies...and off we go...it wasn't until about 12 minutes later, when i was sheepishly baskin in i-can't-believe-i'm-wearin-pink thoughts that i looked over and realized josh was wearin a very red, very plaid starched shirt. WHAT?!?! after all my changin and worryin and bein proud of tryin somethin new, i completely forgot to think about what he was wearin. so we clashed. pretty bad actually.
fortunately, the birthmom didn't gag when she saw our pink and red shirts...she didn't even stare awkwardly....so maybe she was as unconcerned about our attire as we were about hers.
so that's all for this evenin. it just somehow seemed blog worthy....and i think this is a great place to stop....before i find another superfluous use for hyphens :)
i have a closet full of shirts that are green and brown w/splashes of orange and an occasional drop of red...but somehow, they were all dirty....nearly a literal "all"...which i did not discover until the mornin of our visit....at which time it was too late to wash anything. don't think less (or more) of me yet - the new pink shirt was not my first choice. i tried a comfortably familiar shirt w/stripes of brown and green and hidden strips of pink...but w/the pants i wanted to wear, i just wasn't feelin it, ya know? w/all the swirly weight blowin this way and that, i wanted to wear somethin i was really comfortable in...not just ride-in-the-car-comfortable, but have-big-conversations comfortable...somethin that i wouldn't think about all day, wonderin if it looked ok....oh! and have i mentioned that the birthmom is really into fashion? yep. she wants to be a buyer...maybe some of yall know what that is w/o explanation....i didn't....but i've since been educated. so even though i'm not much of a change-17-times-kinda girl, it seemed unavoidable on that thursday mornin. different pants and different shirts and different shoes....so after havin 'pink shirt' float around in the back of my mind for a while, i finally pulled it out and put it on. for whatever reason, that was it.... it was hard to accept....but it did have some green and brown in the argyle pattern....plus, it's super soft....so the decision was made. i was wearin a pink shirt.
we left on time...which we were quite proud of...we're both at-home in the clothes adorning our bodies...and off we go...it wasn't until about 12 minutes later, when i was sheepishly baskin in i-can't-believe-i'm-wearin-pink thoughts that i looked over and realized josh was wearin a very red, very plaid starched shirt. WHAT?!?! after all my changin and worryin and bein proud of tryin somethin new, i completely forgot to think about what he was wearin. so we clashed. pretty bad actually.
fortunately, the birthmom didn't gag when she saw our pink and red shirts...she didn't even stare awkwardly....so maybe she was as unconcerned about our attire as we were about hers.
so that's all for this evenin. it just somehow seemed blog worthy....and i think this is a great place to stop....before i find another superfluous use for hyphens :)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
an important timeline
friday, july 30th
- josh gets a call, tellin him to check his email
- josh checks his email, then returns the call
- josh then calls me...while i'm sittin on a broken down train at six flags
- we got "the Call"...a birthmother had selected us and wanted to meet
thursday, august 5
- 0800 - we left (on time!) for a most significant, most unnatural meeting
- 1200 - we meet her and her mother over lunch
- 1530 - we meet the birthfather
- after dark - finally get home....wiped out...
saturday, august 7 - thru - thursday, august 12
- enjoyin the kool mountain weather, mid-afternoon showers of mountain rain
friday, august 13
- received the written agreement from the agency....agreein to the real-life expenses of this whole thing, agreein to pay the figures on the paper, agreein that....if everything goes well....we'll be adopting a baby in december
tuesday, august 17
- finally deciding to just bite the bullet and find a way to blog about this
- so much as happened in the last two weeks....it seems as if every moment could have been an entire post....
and yes, of course we're excited....but we're also holdin our breath....it's not over until the t's are crossed, the i's are dotted, and a sweet baby is in our arms. i'll have some more time to write tomorrow...i just couldn't wait another day.
- josh gets a call, tellin him to check his email
- josh checks his email, then returns the call
- josh then calls me...while i'm sittin on a broken down train at six flags
- we got "the Call"...a birthmother had selected us and wanted to meet
thursday, august 5
- 0800 - we left (on time!) for a most significant, most unnatural meeting
- 1200 - we meet her and her mother over lunch
- 1530 - we meet the birthfather
- after dark - finally get home....wiped out...
saturday, august 7 - thru - thursday, august 12
- enjoyin the kool mountain weather, mid-afternoon showers of mountain rain
friday, august 13
- received the written agreement from the agency....agreein to the real-life expenses of this whole thing, agreein to pay the figures on the paper, agreein that....if everything goes well....we'll be adopting a baby in december
tuesday, august 17
- finally deciding to just bite the bullet and find a way to blog about this
- so much as happened in the last two weeks....it seems as if every moment could have been an entire post....
and yes, of course we're excited....but we're also holdin our breath....it's not over until the t's are crossed, the i's are dotted, and a sweet baby is in our arms. i'll have some more time to write tomorrow...i just couldn't wait another day.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
cashola
there are various organizations around the country that offer grants to help folks like us off-set the costs of adoption. we looked into these a couple months ago, but a completed homestudy is required for the application and subsequent consideration. the paperwork from our completed homestudy has officially been filed w/the agency, and we've received a copy as well. now that we've reached this point, we can begin applying for grants.
as with all grant money, the "granting" organization sets all sorts of criteria....for some, it's very specific to religious beliefs, financial income, and even the adoptive family's ethnic heritage. some differentiate b/w domestic and international adoption. some focus on older children or foster care kids or special needs situations. so the first round of grant applications is to find those that we'll qualify for...which is a little overwhelming for me. i'm not a natural researcher like my husband...or like some of yall readin this. the seemingly endless lists of links and numbers and details threatens my mind to explode and make a mess all over this computer. however, i don't really have the luxury of avoidance right now - josh is pretty busy, huntin season's right around the corner, and school's fixin to start up again...so we're sharin this responsibility as best we can...josh will do most of the research, findin grants we would qualify for, and i'll mostly work on fillin 'em out.
that's about it for now. just felt the need to "AAAAHHHH" on the blog in an effort to keep goin :)
other things have been happenin, too...hope to write more about that soon.
as with all grant money, the "granting" organization sets all sorts of criteria....for some, it's very specific to religious beliefs, financial income, and even the adoptive family's ethnic heritage. some differentiate b/w domestic and international adoption. some focus on older children or foster care kids or special needs situations. so the first round of grant applications is to find those that we'll qualify for...which is a little overwhelming for me. i'm not a natural researcher like my husband...or like some of yall readin this. the seemingly endless lists of links and numbers and details threatens my mind to explode and make a mess all over this computer. however, i don't really have the luxury of avoidance right now - josh is pretty busy, huntin season's right around the corner, and school's fixin to start up again...so we're sharin this responsibility as best we can...josh will do most of the research, findin grants we would qualify for, and i'll mostly work on fillin 'em out.
that's about it for now. just felt the need to "AAAAHHHH" on the blog in an effort to keep goin :)
other things have been happenin, too...hope to write more about that soon.
Monday, August 2, 2010
dreamin
i think most everyone dreams....in light of this and my own experience, i'm startin to think that there's a sort of dream-continuum. one end of the continuum is made of statements like "my dream car would be..." or "if i could have my dream house...." the other end is weightier - things that have eternal purpose, legacy-kinda impact...dreams of global proportion.
some could argue that the former end of the continuum consists of those that aren't really dreams....they're more like wishes and wants, and 99% of the time, i'd agree. afterall, wantin a slick car isn't quite equivalent to all nations worshipping The Lord. however, for the sake of this post, i'm groupin them all together in a general pile of "things that are not yet so."
from the time we're little, we're asked to answer all sorts of dream questions - if you could have a pet, what would you have? what do you want to be when you grow up? if you could live anywhere in the world, where you live? if you could sit down w/one person in all of history, who would that be? if you could do one adventurous thing, what would it be? if you could be good at one thing/have one superhero ability/speak any language/be in any movie/dream vacation spot.....ad nauseum? and how many times do these things actually come to fruition? not often. sometimes it's b/c we change...sometimes it's b/c The Lord changes us...it can be things we've done or things done to us... etc etc etc.... there are lots of people and lots of books out there discussing the need for big dreams and chasin after them w/all you've got - folks much more qualified and articulate than i....which is why that's not the trail i'm takin here.
the reason for these ramblings this mornin is this -- whether we want to admit it or not, i think most of us have lists of things we'd rather have....things that comprise our own dream continuums...and then we live w/o them. we just learn to live w/what we've got and keep goin. sometimes this is good, i think...even best. we learn to appreciate Grace and Life in ways we previously couldn't even recognize. other times, it's b/c we've sold ourselves short...settled...given into normalcy. still other times, i don't know if it's good or bad or neither...but it's kinda the way it is. you want somethin for so long and then learn to live w/o it for so long that it eventually gets shelved on the things-i'll-want-but-never-have.
and that's how havin children feels to me right now.
we keep pluggin along....talkin about it from time to time...readin our adoption magazine...answerin questions from folks who know about it...plannin things financially in light of adoption costs....but when it comes right down to it, it's hard for me to fully believe it will actually happen. as best i can tell, i'm not angry or hopeless or full of despair.....i simply don't have any real-life, tangible experience to tell me anything different will happen than what's happened thus far. talkin about kids and envisioning a house full of little feet and little clothes and big messes feels as realistically possible as...well...anything else on my dream continuum.
some could argue that the former end of the continuum consists of those that aren't really dreams....they're more like wishes and wants, and 99% of the time, i'd agree. afterall, wantin a slick car isn't quite equivalent to all nations worshipping The Lord. however, for the sake of this post, i'm groupin them all together in a general pile of "things that are not yet so."
from the time we're little, we're asked to answer all sorts of dream questions - if you could have a pet, what would you have? what do you want to be when you grow up? if you could live anywhere in the world, where you live? if you could sit down w/one person in all of history, who would that be? if you could do one adventurous thing, what would it be? if you could be good at one thing/have one superhero ability/speak any language/be in any movie/dream vacation spot.....ad nauseum? and how many times do these things actually come to fruition? not often. sometimes it's b/c we change...sometimes it's b/c The Lord changes us...it can be things we've done or things done to us... etc etc etc.... there are lots of people and lots of books out there discussing the need for big dreams and chasin after them w/all you've got - folks much more qualified and articulate than i....which is why that's not the trail i'm takin here.
the reason for these ramblings this mornin is this -- whether we want to admit it or not, i think most of us have lists of things we'd rather have....things that comprise our own dream continuums...and then we live w/o them. we just learn to live w/what we've got and keep goin. sometimes this is good, i think...even best. we learn to appreciate Grace and Life in ways we previously couldn't even recognize. other times, it's b/c we've sold ourselves short...settled...given into normalcy. still other times, i don't know if it's good or bad or neither...but it's kinda the way it is. you want somethin for so long and then learn to live w/o it for so long that it eventually gets shelved on the things-i'll-want-but-never-have.
and that's how havin children feels to me right now.
we keep pluggin along....talkin about it from time to time...readin our adoption magazine...answerin questions from folks who know about it...plannin things financially in light of adoption costs....but when it comes right down to it, it's hard for me to fully believe it will actually happen. as best i can tell, i'm not angry or hopeless or full of despair.....i simply don't have any real-life, tangible experience to tell me anything different will happen than what's happened thus far. talkin about kids and envisioning a house full of little feet and little clothes and big messes feels as realistically possible as...well...anything else on my dream continuum.
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