right around the corner

i'm a swirl of thoughts and emotions today. i keep thinkin about this time last year - the 24 hours of unexpected tumult before riley was born, the mornin of her birth, the conversations and decisions on christmas day, the hospital stay, the tears and floods of emotion....and then riley's homecoming.

i think about her birthmom, who texted this mornin and asked for a picture or a video. she said she's havin a hard time today. of course she is. i can't imagine what christmas must be like for her. despite my edgier days (as recorded in my previous post), i really do want to be gracious and kind and patient. i need to be those things. i need to grow into a better version of myself where riley's birthmom is concerned. so after lunch, we got the camera out and tried to catch a few of riley's tricks - walking with the walker thing she got for christmas a few days ago, clappin for herself, pointin to her hair and pj's, and her latest face - the furrowed brow. we had fun and laughed and laughed. i just emailed them. the caregiver/fixer in me wishes there was somethin we could do to help bring her closure. somethin we could do to convince her she made the best decision. but we can't really. only she and The Lord can work to find Peace together.

i think about the last year and how in so many ways, it's been the best year of my life. i look at riley - while she's layin on her back, and i'm changin her diaper....w/a gigglin mouth full of teeth, a soft and squishy tummy, and a head of crazy hair...and i can hardly believe it. a baby in our house, in our arms...the pitter patter of a little girl chasin after us...the squeals of delight...the laughter when we wrestle...the little bitty socks that have disappeared....the livin room that's a danger zone due to the toys strewn about...our first arguments over whether or not she can play w/the dvds...her enjoyment and peace in bein outside... i think about the mornins i "sleep in" and have the babbles of a baby serve as my alarm clock....i think about the near constant desire to creep into her room and watch her sleep and the urge to pick her up and rock her for hours... i love the way she sounds, the way she smells, the way she looks, the way she eats and laughs and plays...

i think about Christmas. i think about how Christmas will never ever be the same again. in lots of ways. i think about the anticipation of birth and the community of people waitin for the Good News. i think about how wonderful it will be for riley to have a birthday-eve her whole life. i think about celebration and what Joy really is. i think about gratitude - for Grace, for Prayer, for longings fulfilled.

i think about wakin up tomorrow mornin and hearing the sounds of a happy one year old baby chatterin herself awake. i think about walkin in to get her out of her crib. in some ways, she'll think it's a mornin like every other mornin. in other ways, it's like she fully wakes up to a brand new day every mornin. maybe we'll sing. maybe we'll dance. maybe we'll laugh and play. we'll definitely delight in our little girl.

Beauty is everywhere today.

the rest of the story

we had a fairly rocky 7-10 days over thanksgiving....lots of things seemed to land on miss riley all at once - travel, a cold and cough, teething of molars, family, a wedding, and daddy workin a lot (which meant very little riley-daddy time). it was an unexpected rough patch, and although we seem to be well over the worst of it, the tension has stayed w/me some (and the anticipatory stress i'm havin over the busy-ness of this month isn't helpin).

have you read eastman's "are you my mother?" surely. remember the last not-my-mother thing, the big thing that the baby bird finds? not the kitten or the hen or the dog or the cow. the snort. when the baby bird realizes his mistake, he exclaims, "oh no! you are not my mother! you are a scary snort!"

days like today, when my temper and patience are equally short....i feel like riley looks at me and has that very same thought: "oh no! you are not my mother! you are a scary snort!" you look like my mother....you sound like my mother...you feel like my mother....but you are most definitely a scary snort.

and i feel rather snort-ish toward the birthmother right now, too. sometimes, i'm gracious. i feel gracious, and i behave graciously. but not always. sometimes, my phone dings w/a new text message, and when i see it's from her, i pretend i didn't see it for a while. when she wished us a happy thanksgiving, i responded "thanks! you too." but what i wanted to say was 'mind your own business.' when she asks if there's anything we want her to get riley for christmas, i don't know what to say. or when she says she's havin a hard time w/riley's birthday comin up....well, i'm just not very nice about it today.

i know - someone readin this is probably thinkin "well cut off communication w/her. it's your right, and your call." i know. but i don't think we need to make a decision like that just b/c i'm tired and moody.

today, it's just one of those things i want to forget about. i look at, listen to, and hold our beautiful one, and i most certainly don't want to be a snort to her.... but today, i can't say the same about her birthmother.

so there it is. the ugly truth.