2 weeks before....2 weeks after.... right? isn't that the rule? 2 weeks on either side of the due date is fair game. guess where we are? :)
for some reason, i'm super sleepy at 9:21pm...and i figure i better take full advantage of the few nights of "i get to choose when i go to sleep" that i have left...but i feel blog-back-logged, so i wanted to write a quick one. we'll keep it light :)
i've become one of those....one of those who reason has always told me not to become. one who has taken off all clothes tags, washed all clothes, and already put them into drawers. yeah yeah yeah...she'll probably never wear some of what's been washed and put away. but i couldn't resist.
and since my dear friend shasta thought it was so funny, i thought i'd share my dietary habits w/yall. lately, i have no sugar filter. i generally drink maybe one coke a day. max. lately? well, let's just say that the 12 packs of coke i recently bought on sale, thinkin they'd last me till the end of january, are almost gone. gummy bears...cookies...chocolate.... now safely residin in my food pyramid. who needs greens and grains and dairy when high fructose corn syrup, carbonation, and caffeine are available? yep. pretty sure i'll be a diabetic by the time i'm 31.
healthy coping mechanisms are overrated.
as is acne-free skin.
ah, stress....what would i do w/you?
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
breathe....just breathe...
our trip to the dr's office went well. the baby's doin great....birthmom's doin well. she's gettin pretty good and miserable at this point, as all of you who have been pregnant know happens at this stage in the game.
mama and i sat w/her and her mom in the waitin room about a good hr and a half...then she and i had about 4 1/2 min w/the dr. typical, i suppose. afterward, we all went and ate lunch together, along w/her older sister and my grandma. it was quite a mix of people. except for the birthmother and me, everyone else at the table was or had been a public school teacher, so they all had plenty to talk about. the birthmother ate a big, fat chicken fried steak, which we loved! hopefully this baby will have her appetite :) and then we all went to the boutique where the birthmom works. if you know me, you know i'm not a boutique kinda gal...so i was by far the most uncomfortable one. mama and grandma loved it, though, and the birthmother was totally in her element there. it was good to see her so relaxed and enjoyin herself. she introduced us to her boss, who seemed sweet. when went to shake hands w/her, she loudly proclaimed, "oh, no, honey. that won't do!" as she swarmed in for a hug. we looked around for a good while before sayin our goodbyes and thank yous and gettin back on the road.
it was a really good trip.
and it was a needed trip, i think. a couple weeks ago, the birthmother began talkin to us a little about the questions and looks she's gettin from other people - you know, the folks who don't agree w/her decision to place the baby for adoption. i told her there were very few people who understood her situation....and a whole lot of people who are just flat nosey! so in light of her strugglin some, we felt it was really important to go see her again....to keep us and this situation real and personable.
she hasn't talked about changin her mind....but she's strugglin w/the weight of the decision. now...before you start to panic :), let me explain how we see all of this. of course it makes us nervous to know she's strugglin and has people (however peripheral) questionin her decisions...BUT we'd MUCH rather she think about these things and wrestle through some of these things NOW as opposed to 24hrs after the birth...when she's exhausted and hormonally spinnin. afterall, she SHOULD be feelin the weight of what's comin up. it's normal and healthy and necessary. so as best we can, we try to give her the space to talk about as much as she needs to....we don't overreact or freak out....we just give her room. each time i've found myself in this type of conversation w/her and given her the space to feel whatever she's feelin , we eventually end up talkin about the baby and the adoption and all the cute stuff fillin our house in anticipation of that sweet baby's arrival. so it's good....scary, but good. and in light of such conversations, goin to see her was important.
it's a crazy thing we're in here, ya know? even to sit and tell yall about what's been goin on gets my heart pumpin a little faster. there's this part of us that can't seem to not think about the inherent risk....the fact that the birthmother can change her mind. knowin that so much of what our life is becomin could absolutely fall apart.... so i find myself sayin, "well, we're tryin not to put all our eggs in one basket." but...and it's a big but.... we're too far in at this point. we can't not hope and plan and talk and dream and laugh. and it's not so much the diapers and the wipes and the clothes...any baby will need those things....but our hearts are set.
i've read lots of things - articles, stories from adoptive parents, advice from professional counselors, suggestions from the agency - that you can't completely emotionally invest before it's final. it's not wise or healthy or fair. after all, the baby's not yours, so you can't start plannin your life (emotionally or physically) as if she is. but i just don't know how not to do that. not really. not way down deep. i can say it in casual conversation....but when i'm sittin in this rockin chair next to a box of diapers and a coupon for boudreaux's butt paste, just almost able to feel that sweet baby's breath against my cheek....or when i find myself wantin to make our home as warm and quiet as possible, w/o intentionally choosin to think about such things....i just don't know how to turn it off.
when women are pregnant, there are abundant risks involved....but most, especially after those first few weeks, don't look back. family and friends and doctors and magazines don't tell pregnant women to reign in their mothering hearts in case somethin unforeseen happens. they don't tell them to keep livin as if their entire worlds aren't fixin to be rocked. they encourage and exhort them to prepare their hearts and homes and lives. that's b/c it's natural and necessary. but adoption is different...it's a pretty unnatural situation that stirs up all sorts of natural longings. and the things necessary to know and get ready for when you're pregnant are the same things necessary to know and get ready for when you're adoptin. but the obvious differences don't come w/obvious answers. it's easy to say "don't become emotionally connected to the unborn baby you hope to adopt." it's seems reasonable and protective. but it's not a simple thing to do.
while in the boutique a few days ago, i whispered to mama, "i think i like that purse. but mama, i hate purses. what's happenin to me?" she smiled gently, knowingly and said, "you're becomin a mom."
purse or no purse (hopin for the latter!)...somethin's been growin and changin in me for years...and it's surfaced more since august....my heart's transformin to love a child...i don't think that's somethin i can put the brakes on.
mama and i sat w/her and her mom in the waitin room about a good hr and a half...then she and i had about 4 1/2 min w/the dr. typical, i suppose. afterward, we all went and ate lunch together, along w/her older sister and my grandma. it was quite a mix of people. except for the birthmother and me, everyone else at the table was or had been a public school teacher, so they all had plenty to talk about. the birthmother ate a big, fat chicken fried steak, which we loved! hopefully this baby will have her appetite :) and then we all went to the boutique where the birthmom works. if you know me, you know i'm not a boutique kinda gal...so i was by far the most uncomfortable one. mama and grandma loved it, though, and the birthmother was totally in her element there. it was good to see her so relaxed and enjoyin herself. she introduced us to her boss, who seemed sweet. when went to shake hands w/her, she loudly proclaimed, "oh, no, honey. that won't do!" as she swarmed in for a hug. we looked around for a good while before sayin our goodbyes and thank yous and gettin back on the road.
it was a really good trip.
and it was a needed trip, i think. a couple weeks ago, the birthmother began talkin to us a little about the questions and looks she's gettin from other people - you know, the folks who don't agree w/her decision to place the baby for adoption. i told her there were very few people who understood her situation....and a whole lot of people who are just flat nosey! so in light of her strugglin some, we felt it was really important to go see her again....to keep us and this situation real and personable.
she hasn't talked about changin her mind....but she's strugglin w/the weight of the decision. now...before you start to panic :), let me explain how we see all of this. of course it makes us nervous to know she's strugglin and has people (however peripheral) questionin her decisions...BUT we'd MUCH rather she think about these things and wrestle through some of these things NOW as opposed to 24hrs after the birth...when she's exhausted and hormonally spinnin. afterall, she SHOULD be feelin the weight of what's comin up. it's normal and healthy and necessary. so as best we can, we try to give her the space to talk about as much as she needs to....we don't overreact or freak out....we just give her room. each time i've found myself in this type of conversation w/her and given her the space to feel whatever she's feelin , we eventually end up talkin about the baby and the adoption and all the cute stuff fillin our house in anticipation of that sweet baby's arrival. so it's good....scary, but good. and in light of such conversations, goin to see her was important.
it's a crazy thing we're in here, ya know? even to sit and tell yall about what's been goin on gets my heart pumpin a little faster. there's this part of us that can't seem to not think about the inherent risk....the fact that the birthmother can change her mind. knowin that so much of what our life is becomin could absolutely fall apart.... so i find myself sayin, "well, we're tryin not to put all our eggs in one basket." but...and it's a big but.... we're too far in at this point. we can't not hope and plan and talk and dream and laugh. and it's not so much the diapers and the wipes and the clothes...any baby will need those things....but our hearts are set.
i've read lots of things - articles, stories from adoptive parents, advice from professional counselors, suggestions from the agency - that you can't completely emotionally invest before it's final. it's not wise or healthy or fair. after all, the baby's not yours, so you can't start plannin your life (emotionally or physically) as if she is. but i just don't know how not to do that. not really. not way down deep. i can say it in casual conversation....but when i'm sittin in this rockin chair next to a box of diapers and a coupon for boudreaux's butt paste, just almost able to feel that sweet baby's breath against my cheek....or when i find myself wantin to make our home as warm and quiet as possible, w/o intentionally choosin to think about such things....i just don't know how to turn it off.
when women are pregnant, there are abundant risks involved....but most, especially after those first few weeks, don't look back. family and friends and doctors and magazines don't tell pregnant women to reign in their mothering hearts in case somethin unforeseen happens. they don't tell them to keep livin as if their entire worlds aren't fixin to be rocked. they encourage and exhort them to prepare their hearts and homes and lives. that's b/c it's natural and necessary. but adoption is different...it's a pretty unnatural situation that stirs up all sorts of natural longings. and the things necessary to know and get ready for when you're pregnant are the same things necessary to know and get ready for when you're adoptin. but the obvious differences don't come w/obvious answers. it's easy to say "don't become emotionally connected to the unborn baby you hope to adopt." it's seems reasonable and protective. but it's not a simple thing to do.
while in the boutique a few days ago, i whispered to mama, "i think i like that purse. but mama, i hate purses. what's happenin to me?" she smiled gently, knowingly and said, "you're becomin a mom."
purse or no purse (hopin for the latter!)...somethin's been growin and changin in me for years...and it's surfaced more since august....my heart's transformin to love a child...i don't think that's somethin i can put the brakes on.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
doctors and more
november has held up it's end of the deal and been ridiculously busy! i can't believe thanksgivin's almost here. i'm turnin into one of those old folks who talks about how quickly time passes...
onto the baby stuff...since i know that's what you're all interested in anyway :)
first of all, the timeline: if the birthmother goes to term, we're 5wks and 3 days out. if they induce her before christmas like they're talkin about doin, we're around 4ish wks out. WHAT?!?!? i think it's safe to say we're nearin the freaki-out zone.
just about all of my household/rearrangin/make room for the baby projects are complete. can you believe it? those of you familiar w/my tendencies to procrastinate and not develop sound strategies should be proud of me!
we met w/the pediatrician here in town and really liked her. she was frank and candid and friendly...she had a few opinions about diapers and formula and bottles but wasn't hard-nosed about any of it. we thought we'd have a week or two before havin to take little-bit into see her, but the dr wants to see her w/in about 48hrs of us comin home. since we're not sure how much contact we'll have w/the baby in the hospital, we're not opposed to havin her in our arms and talkin to a dr ourselves within such a short period of time.
speakin of drs....i'm goin to a dr's appt this week w/the birthmother. josh can't make the trip, as the days surrounding thanksgivin are some of his busiest of the year. plus, he's workin while he can since he'll be home for a while after the baby's here. anyway...mama's gonna go w/me, which i'm excited about. when i finally got up the nerve to ask the birthmother about comin to an appt, i was relieved by her immediate reception to the idea. "oh yeah. that'd be great!" lots of good things about goin to a dr's appt at this stage in the game.... get to hear the heartbeat, meet her dr...see her (the birthmother) again...continue to work to solidify the reality of all of this - for both of us. there's just somethin about seein somebody face-to-face that helps keep you grounded, ya know?
so there we are....right in the middle of it. my stars . . .
onto the baby stuff...since i know that's what you're all interested in anyway :)
first of all, the timeline: if the birthmother goes to term, we're 5wks and 3 days out. if they induce her before christmas like they're talkin about doin, we're around 4ish wks out. WHAT?!?!? i think it's safe to say we're nearin the freaki-out zone.
just about all of my household/rearrangin/make room for the baby projects are complete. can you believe it? those of you familiar w/my tendencies to procrastinate and not develop sound strategies should be proud of me!
we met w/the pediatrician here in town and really liked her. she was frank and candid and friendly...she had a few opinions about diapers and formula and bottles but wasn't hard-nosed about any of it. we thought we'd have a week or two before havin to take little-bit into see her, but the dr wants to see her w/in about 48hrs of us comin home. since we're not sure how much contact we'll have w/the baby in the hospital, we're not opposed to havin her in our arms and talkin to a dr ourselves within such a short period of time.
speakin of drs....i'm goin to a dr's appt this week w/the birthmother. josh can't make the trip, as the days surrounding thanksgivin are some of his busiest of the year. plus, he's workin while he can since he'll be home for a while after the baby's here. anyway...mama's gonna go w/me, which i'm excited about. when i finally got up the nerve to ask the birthmother about comin to an appt, i was relieved by her immediate reception to the idea. "oh yeah. that'd be great!" lots of good things about goin to a dr's appt at this stage in the game.... get to hear the heartbeat, meet her dr...see her (the birthmother) again...continue to work to solidify the reality of all of this - for both of us. there's just somethin about seein somebody face-to-face that helps keep you grounded, ya know?
so there we are....right in the middle of it. my stars . . .
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
time's flyin
november promises to be a very busy month, especially w/several papers and projects due for class as the semester begins to wind down. deer season opens this comin weekend, so josh will be super busy pretty much until the baby comes. for a while now, i've been makin a mental (and tentative literal) list of the things to do before the baby comes.... rearranging things around the house, for example...or doin some research into formula and bottles and diapers... all the while, i've thought "oh, i can wait to do a lot of that for when i get out of school. i'll have almost a month before the baby comes."
well, i tend to be a rather literal person....so until VERY recently, i've considered the due date of december 30th as THE day. but really? how many babies are actually born ON their due dates? furthermore, a recent conversation w/the birthmom revealed her dr's intent to induce her before christmas, assumin all is goin well. so....i don't finish school until the first week of december...and doin some very simple math has startled me into realizin i won't, as i have been plannin, have a month of free-er time to prepare.
AAAHHH! :)
one of the things i've decided to jump on pretty quickly is talkin to the local pediatrician. who would've thought the little town of seymour would have had a resident little people's doctor?! anyway, i scheduled an appt today, and we'll go in and talk to her in about a week and a half. after a rather instructional conversation w/mama, i have a list of questions to ask.
so now it's your turn - any questions/concerns/issues you think we need to address w/the dr before the baby comes? we're flyin pretty blind here, so we welcome any suggestions!
well, i tend to be a rather literal person....so until VERY recently, i've considered the due date of december 30th as THE day. but really? how many babies are actually born ON their due dates? furthermore, a recent conversation w/the birthmom revealed her dr's intent to induce her before christmas, assumin all is goin well. so....i don't finish school until the first week of december...and doin some very simple math has startled me into realizin i won't, as i have been plannin, have a month of free-er time to prepare.
AAAHHH! :)
one of the things i've decided to jump on pretty quickly is talkin to the local pediatrician. who would've thought the little town of seymour would have had a resident little people's doctor?! anyway, i scheduled an appt today, and we'll go in and talk to her in about a week and a half. after a rather instructional conversation w/mama, i have a list of questions to ask.
so now it's your turn - any questions/concerns/issues you think we need to address w/the dr before the baby comes? we're flyin pretty blind here, so we welcome any suggestions!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
rearrangin...
...is the name of the game these days. as most of yall have probably experienced yourselves - we tend to fill the space we have. so needless to say, every closet and shelf and nook in this farm house are occupied by josh and lindsey stuff.
we've waited a long time to make room for a baby....so this current wave of sortin thru clothes and cleanin our drawers is such a joy! the usual burdens and frustrations and embarrassments of havin way too much stuff are bein overshadowed by the delight of the very reason we're doin all of this in the first place. how can i be annoyed by shufflin thru t-shirts we haven't worn in 3 years when onsies and and footsie-pajamas and diapers will soon take up residence in that drawer? let me assure you, it's quite impossible.
thus far, the livin room furniture has been moved around to fit a rockin chair near the stove....my shoes are now hangin out in one of those over-the-door organizers...work clothes are in the yaffa blocks my shoes used to be in (wanna give a quick shout-out to yaffa blocks! whoop!!)...and various not-worn-very-often-clothes are now in plastic tubs under the bed rather than a few necessary drawers.
i'm quite proud of myself....as i'm sure my organizationally-minded and more strategic friends will appreciate.
and that's the weekend update. next on the list: closets.
we've waited a long time to make room for a baby....so this current wave of sortin thru clothes and cleanin our drawers is such a joy! the usual burdens and frustrations and embarrassments of havin way too much stuff are bein overshadowed by the delight of the very reason we're doin all of this in the first place. how can i be annoyed by shufflin thru t-shirts we haven't worn in 3 years when onsies and and footsie-pajamas and diapers will soon take up residence in that drawer? let me assure you, it's quite impossible.
thus far, the livin room furniture has been moved around to fit a rockin chair near the stove....my shoes are now hangin out in one of those over-the-door organizers...work clothes are in the yaffa blocks my shoes used to be in (wanna give a quick shout-out to yaffa blocks! whoop!!)...and various not-worn-very-often-clothes are now in plastic tubs under the bed rather than a few necessary drawers.
i'm quite proud of myself....as i'm sure my organizationally-minded and more strategic friends will appreciate.
and that's the weekend update. next on the list: closets.
Friday, October 22, 2010
to the store...and beyond....
we went to the dreaded wal-mart the other day, needin to return a couple things...like the package of white t-shirts i had bought josh. i was so proud of my cheaper-than-usual price...until i got home and realized they were so cheap b/c they were boys shirts...not mens. so much for my frugality! anyway, we went to wal-mart and got our money back in cash and decided we'd go look at baby stuff w/the possibility of actually buyin somethin.
eek! our first trip to the baby section w/money in hand. glad it was only about $13.
we looked and oohed and awwed....touchin all the soft, cuddly stuffed animals...holdin up the tiny little shirts that hardly cover the palm of josh' hand... and then josh convinced me to try to squeeze my big noggin into a kid's baklava w/bunny ears on top. i acquiesced of course, and he took a picture and sent it to my mom. can't beat technology.
i must confess at this point - an almost constant dilemma in me these days... figurin out how to smart shop. i want to lessen my contribution to this world's environmentally downward spiral...so even bein IN wal-mart is a bit contradictory...but we also live in rural texas, so local-anything isn't prolific...and then you throw in there the whole cost of it all...the cheaper diapers are probably the most non-biodegradable item in the store, but who knows if the "green ones" are really any better? and again, i'm in wal-mart.
so even though the cute little beanies and two washrags we bought are probably synthetic and made in mass quantities overseas, we've officially made our first baby purchases. if i knew how to load a picture onto the blog, i would. maybe i'll get josh to help me :)
eek! our first trip to the baby section w/money in hand. glad it was only about $13.
we looked and oohed and awwed....touchin all the soft, cuddly stuffed animals...holdin up the tiny little shirts that hardly cover the palm of josh' hand... and then josh convinced me to try to squeeze my big noggin into a kid's baklava w/bunny ears on top. i acquiesced of course, and he took a picture and sent it to my mom. can't beat technology.
i must confess at this point - an almost constant dilemma in me these days... figurin out how to smart shop. i want to lessen my contribution to this world's environmentally downward spiral...so even bein IN wal-mart is a bit contradictory...but we also live in rural texas, so local-anything isn't prolific...and then you throw in there the whole cost of it all...the cheaper diapers are probably the most non-biodegradable item in the store, but who knows if the "green ones" are really any better? and again, i'm in wal-mart.
so even though the cute little beanies and two washrags we bought are probably synthetic and made in mass quantities overseas, we've officially made our first baby purchases. if i knew how to load a picture onto the blog, i would. maybe i'll get josh to help me :)
Monday, October 11, 2010
so...
we're gettin lots of questions these days....how the adoption's goin...if we're excited...what we've bought...what news do we have.... and really, i don't feel like we have very succinct answers.
the adoption is goin as well as can be hoped for at this point, but there's not a whole lot actually happenin. the baby is due december 30 (although josh is absolutely certain she's comin on the 22nd), and b/w now and then, there's not a whole lot to do but wait. we wait and hope and hold our breath and then keep goin.
i'm not sure if i've explained this yet or not...if i have, skip this paragraph and go onto the next... in the state of texas, birthmother's cannot sign their relinquishment of rights papers until at least 48hrs after the birth. it makes sense, really - it ensures that a pregnant woman isn't making decisions about her unborn child until that child is born. unfortunately in adoption, this is where so much of the risk lingers. until the baby's born, and until the mom signs the papers, it's simply not a done deal.
so....here we sit in october...w/a birthmother who verbalizes clearly her intentions and her wishes...but there's not a single final, legal thing in place until at least 2 days after the birth.
so we wait.
are we excited? of course we're excited... we talk about the baby girl we so hope will be ours...we laugh and get teary and talk about the color pink. josh can see himself carryin her around in one of those pack things while he's walkin thru academy....i can feel her against my chest...we're eager for the mornin we get to take her to church for the first time. and in the very same breath, we're hesitant...we're hesitant to talk too much...to plan too much...to buy too much...
as for stuff....my family's bought us a stroller and a pack-n-play and a few pink odds and ends... josh and i have actually not bought a single thing yet. there have been talks of showers and gifts, but we've opted to wait until after we're home w/her to have such celebrations.
so that's where we are....how we are....
and, as always, we are grateful for yall's prayers and words of encouragement and hope....
the adoption is goin as well as can be hoped for at this point, but there's not a whole lot actually happenin. the baby is due december 30 (although josh is absolutely certain she's comin on the 22nd), and b/w now and then, there's not a whole lot to do but wait. we wait and hope and hold our breath and then keep goin.
i'm not sure if i've explained this yet or not...if i have, skip this paragraph and go onto the next... in the state of texas, birthmother's cannot sign their relinquishment of rights papers until at least 48hrs after the birth. it makes sense, really - it ensures that a pregnant woman isn't making decisions about her unborn child until that child is born. unfortunately in adoption, this is where so much of the risk lingers. until the baby's born, and until the mom signs the papers, it's simply not a done deal.
so....here we sit in october...w/a birthmother who verbalizes clearly her intentions and her wishes...but there's not a single final, legal thing in place until at least 2 days after the birth.
so we wait.
are we excited? of course we're excited... we talk about the baby girl we so hope will be ours...we laugh and get teary and talk about the color pink. josh can see himself carryin her around in one of those pack things while he's walkin thru academy....i can feel her against my chest...we're eager for the mornin we get to take her to church for the first time. and in the very same breath, we're hesitant...we're hesitant to talk too much...to plan too much...to buy too much...
as for stuff....my family's bought us a stroller and a pack-n-play and a few pink odds and ends... josh and i have actually not bought a single thing yet. there have been talks of showers and gifts, but we've opted to wait until after we're home w/her to have such celebrations.
so that's where we are....how we are....
and, as always, we are grateful for yall's prayers and words of encouragement and hope....
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