difficult rights

i think we've been fortunate to adopt in the 21st century. the amount of information available to adoptive parents (or anyone interested in adoption) covers a wide range of subjects - everything from the logistics of the adoption process to literature discussing open adoption to bonding w/your adopted baby. technology helps, too. the access to all of this information is convenient and readily available, day or night. and there are online support groups....and while they don't offer the same degree of connection that an actual, 'we all meet in the same room and drink coffee' group would, they do help lessen the sense of isolation somewhat.

and yet....even in a world w/unprecedented information available...and in a time when candor is appreciated....there are some things that are just flat-out hard to talk about. hard to face. hard to wrestle with.

in adoption, and in most other aspects of life as best i can tell, we have a tendency to gloss over the more difficult places. if somethin's confusing, frustrating, sorrowful, or maddening, we're not sure what to do about it, what to do with it. we sure don't know what to say to someone who's in the middle of one of those places. so we tell others and ourselves - it'll work out. it'll be worth it. God has a plan.

and all those things are true. so very, very true. but 2 years ago, someone tellin me "it'll work out" didn't do me a hill of beans of good. this time last year, i was hangin on by a thread as we were tossed about on the seas of the birthmother's turmoil. i'd be so mad some days i couldn't see straight. all i could say was "i know this will be worth it in a few months, but that doesn't help me today." and yes, God's Goodness surpasses our understanding....but that doesn't answer all of my questions.

more specific to adoption, there are certain things that are uncomfortable to talk about. the money, for instance. the final cost of bringin home a baby through adoption, and the twists and turns just down the financial road were almost too much. or things like.....well, things like i've written about before - gettin to know the birthmother, the awkwardness and un-natural-ness of that relationship, and the inexpressible compassion we have for her...and how that compassion isn't always steady. or things like race and gender and special needs. these issues are so personal, so potentially controversial, so uncomfortable.... but in adoption, they have to be addressed. they can't be glossed over. you can't pretend they're not there. you can't hope they'll just work themselves out.

and i'm beginnin to wonder, too, if other questions don't need to be addressed as frankly, as straight-forwardly, as gently and courageously. such as....

(deep breath.....and bear w/me....these are things i haven't written or really talked about before, so the words may be rambly)

the idea of rights.

in this country, individual rights are a big damn deal. as they should be, maybe. i don't know - i'm not a philosopher or politician. but as americans, we are raised to believe we have rights - the right to vote, the right to be treated w/respect, the right to education, etc. i think this concept is deeply ingrained in us....even in terms of relationships and family. we have the right to have as many children as we want - unlike parts of the eastern world. women have the right to choose whether or not they want to give birth to their unborn baby. but what if you can't have children?

when i was in nursing school, i was fascinated by the body....how every aspect of a human being is intricately connected (mind, body, emotions, relationships, etc). one of the most fascinating facets was/is the life-giving power we have...from conception to birth to raising our children. the way we're designed to reproduce and nurture life, especially for women, is utterly amazing. down to the smallest detail - like a newborn can't see more than about 12" at first, and this is generally the distance from a woman's breast to her face, so that the first thing that newborn sees and focuses on and begins to recognize is his mother's face, even as he's receiving physical nourishment... or how unborn children can hear what's goin on in the outside world so that they recognize their parents' voices at birth...and how unborn children can feel the sway of their mother's gait and often times, after birth, go to sleep in their mother's arms when she's walkin b/c that's the rhythm their used to. i mean seriously! it's unbelievable!!!!!

but again...what if you can't carry a child? what about all of those built-in mechanisms to bond w/your mother and father....the ones who have cared for you the first 9 months of your tiny life? what happens to all of that if a baby and mother are matched after birth?

what about the birthmother's built-in, innate, natural "rights" to her child? just b/c a judge bangs a gavel and a piece of paper says "adoption finalization" doesn't dissolve the connection b/w a woman and the baby she conceived and gave birth to.

all of that to get here - one of the questions that lingers around the corners of my heart is this - do i have a right to riley? legally, there's no question. that was taken care of march 11. but i'm not talkin about legality. i'm talkin down deep....she's not our flesh and blood. her genetic makeup belongs to someone else. she's forever ours, i know that.....but is she thoroughly ours? can she be? how does that work? if we're made of genes and flesh and blood, and we're made to reproduce and pass those things on to the next generation, what happens when your family no longer shares them?

we're so proud when we look back at pictures and notice family resemblance - especially physically. sons who look like their fathers or uncles or great grandfathers. daughters who look like their grandmothers, cousins, and sisters. where did you get your eyes? your hair? your weird pinkie toe? and what about your quirks - like on forest gump when he meets his son for the first time after 6 or so years, and they sit down together in front of the tv and both cock their heads to the side. didn't that scene just melt your heart? does your heart not swell w/pride and a sense of deep belonging when someone says, "gosh, you look like your daddy." these connections run more deeply in us than we know, i think. we put a lot more stock in them than we realize. and adoption splinters that bedrock.

even when you're white, and you adopt a white baby. even though her hair color could pass as combination of yours and your husband's. she did not come from our bodies. she will not look like any of our pictures from when we were little. maybe a little, but not really. not year after year after year. and i can't help but wonder at times - do i feel differently b/c of that?

someone might be readin this and thinkin - what awful things to think about. you shouldn't dwell on negative thoughts. you have her. be grateful and move on.

maybe that approach works for some people. but it doesn't work for me. riley will be 10 months old in 4 days, and the lingering questions haven't disappeared. i'm not particularly proud of my uncertainty....but ignorin it or hopin time will take care of it hasn't worked. at all. so the only thing i know to do is drag it out into the light and see if it's as big and scary as it feels sometimes.

b/c i love her. deeply, adoringly, i love her. and i want my love for her to be good, true, high, and long. i want my love for her to be refined and redeemed if needed. i want to be a good, honest, devoted mother....not one who hides from hard things or hard questions. and b/c i want to be able to have an honest conversation w/her when/if she talks about not lookin like anyone in our families' photo albums.

adoption

i've been in a funk lately. in the last few weeks, we've moved into a new house, huntin season has started (which means josh is gone a lot more), and school started back up. i've been a little overwhelmed. i've never been a fan of movin and am notorious for never completely unpackin all the boxes. i'm also a procrastinator, so put all of that together, and you get a "i'd rather ignore everything and watch tv" funk. plrbgh.

as i've reflected on how i got here, into this funk, i've realized writin is often such a breath of fresh air for me...it can help me find a way out. writin helps me reflect. helps me become more aware of what's goin on inside and out. helps me see the light at the end of lots of proverbial tunnels. it's just flat-out good for me.

bein a parent of a 9-month old easily opens avenues for words and descriptions and stories....avenues that most other parents can relate to, sympathize with, or laugh at. and i enjoy this time of life, immensely. i love that riley gets cereal boogers from stickin her finger, knuckle deep, up her nose while eatin, smilin and gigglin all the while. in the midst of gettin frustrated w/her squirmy little body during a diaper change, i can't help but laugh when her bare-bottomed little body escapes and crawls like crazy across the floor. she's somehow learned to flash a smile when a camera is held up and delights in chewin on whatever she can find. she's quite vocal and regularly competes with the pastor for the congregation's attention on sunday mornins. we're just truckin right along....and she's growin like crazy (in the 90% for wt now!)...all three of us are havin a ball.

and i'm not only a parent of a 9-month old....i'm an adoptive parent of a precious baby girl to whom i did not give birth. some days, this is just a simple fact. others, it's a hard pill to swallow. i don't think i can say that it's a realization that ever brings warm and fuzzy feelings. and to say that i don't ever think about it, or that it's a non-issue now that riley is here would...well, frankly....be a lie.

it's this part of my life... no, wait.... it's more like a new color that sometimes shades and sometimes adds new beauty.... it's this color that i think i need to explore w/some degree of intentionality. it's the kinda color that can shade and shadow things as easily as it can invite and illuminate other things.... and i think exploring it more deliberately will bring healing to me....and hopefully one day, a grace-filled refuge for riley to explore for herself.

i'm thinkin this blog will serve as my means of wordy exploration....so reader, beware :)

i hope to write a bit more consistently and a bit more candidly regarding the life of an adoptive parent....and i hope to do so w/o apology. in a few days' time, i guess we'll see how determined i really am...

so.....

...two rather monumental things have occurred in the last few days.

1. josh and i finally found a house to buy here in seymour. super excited! hopefully movin in by the end of the month. we'll miss the character of our little white farm house and the most wonderful landlords in the whole world (really- the WHOLE world. i'm not jokin)...but it'll be nice to have a place we can call our own.

2. yesterday, we met w/riley's birthfamily.

yep. we did.

i intended to write a blog beforehand. but that didn't happen. so now there isn't a before and after sort of comparison to read and interpret. oh well.

ya know, there are a lot of days when i don't even think about riley bein adopted. it's not quite like i've forgotten necessarily....it's just the dailiness of life sorta washes over the rocks of our journey....eroding the jagged edges a little. and then there will be moments in which the edges, even those that are eroded and smooth, stick up outta the water a little. sometimes it's while i'm filin stuff away in the desk and come across the adoption folder - bulging and semi-organized. sometimes it's when i'm checkin out at united and the friendly cashier asks how old my baby is and if i'm still nursin her. sometimes it's when people (friends and strangers alike) comment on how riley's appearance favors josh's or mine. sometimes, it's when i get a text from her birthmother.

we've texted w/her off and on since bringin riley home. we rarely, if ever, initiate the textin or emailin....but we answer her questions, tell her stories, email pictures. contact w/her has slowly diminished in frequency over the last 7+ months. she's kind and considerate... and still immature.

all of the books and articles and experts advise adoptive parents to make all sorts of decisions, short- and long-term, prior to meeting the birthfamily....and definitely prior to the hospital experience. and they're advice makes sense. they argue that the emotional gravity of the relationship and the weight of all that happens at the hospital can lead folks (generally on the adoptive side) to agree to things they don't feel comfortable with, things that they'll regret later on. so, we tried to be good students and had what felt like a hundred conversations about how much contact we were willing to have w/riley's birthmother...we talked about this before we were even matched, then we talked just before we met her, then we talked several times b/w meetin her and goin to the hospital.....and we communicated our expectations w/her. we were all on the same page - talk and text and email before the baby's birth....only pictures and occasional emails afterwards.

then we arrived at the hospital. it was like walkin thru a drought-stricken desert for six years, and in a matter of moments, walkin into a monsoon. so many things we thought we had so firmly decided, so many opinions we held...they were washed away. the birthmother wanted to see us in the hospital. so we walked next door. her mother wanted to be the carrier of the baby - carryin riley back and forth b/w our room and the birthmother's room. and we welcomed the gesture. the birthmother wanted us to come to her room to get riley that last time...and we did. we took a great big deep breath and walked into the room w/empty arms....and came out carryin our baby girl. the birthmother wanted to see us again....in the future....6-9 months down the road. josh and i looked at each other, our hearts melted again, and we agreed.

a person. a human being. that's who the birthmother is. not an idea. not a statistic. not a vehicle for our fulfillment. not a long string of adjectives like irresponsible and immature, etc.... a person. a young woman who got into a tight spot. a woman who loved her unborn baby so deeply that she was willing to place her into our arms, hearts, and lives. a woman who carried a baby for 9 months, kissed her, and said goodbye. josh and i will never understand the road she's taken, the grief she's experienced, or the questions she may always have.

we decided that we wanted to do what we could to help her.... help her grieve, help her heal. we can't do much, but we can assure her of the redemption of her decision. we can assure her riley is well and healthy. we can assure her that we absolutely adore the baby she carried and birthed.

so yesterday, we ate chinese food w/riley's birthfamily - mother, grandmother, aunt, and nephew. they held her, took pictures, asked questions. we laughed at riley's funny games and faces and habits. we told stories. we ate. then we left.

that was it. it was....anticlimactic. it was nice and not threatening and relatively brief. and then over.

before, i was anxious. edgy. a little fidgety. all sorts of jagged edges scrapin thru the waters w/in....and maybe i'll write about those some days.

all kinds of other questions will undoubtedly arise....it'll be messier than we'd prefer, i'm sure. we'll eventually have to decide about future visits....there will come a time when bein in contact w/riley's birthmother will be more about what's best for riley than what's helpful for her birthmother. i'd kinda rather decide today and not look back rather than wrestle w/it as we all grow and change and age....but i kinda don't think that's best.

we get funny looks from most folks when we tell them we're still in contact w/the birthmother. but that's okay. for now, it's worth it.

oh summer

the past 2 months have brought about lots of laughs. like this one - riley's first jaunt in the sprinkler.

while eatin, riley's showin more and more interest in the spoon...and i'm not real sure what to do about it. when she gets her little hand around the handle, and i try to reclaim in, food flies. when i let her hands flap about, they often hit the spoon, and food flies. when i give her her own spoon, she chews and chews, and when tryin to get it out of her squash-filled mouth, food flies in a catapulted fashion. and we laugh.

she's almost crawlin... she currently pulls herself w/her forearms on the ground, pushes w/her right leg, and drags her left leg. her poor little left knee stays red most of the time. she'll occasionally get up on all fours, rock back and forth, and seriously consider a different form of mobility....but as soon as she sets her sights on a rattle, her brush, my toes, or the stack of books we don't let her chew on, she flops down to her belly and army crawls at a pretty good pace...huffin and puffin like she's climbin uphill. and we laugh.

she plays a game....she tucks her chin down towards her chest and looks up at you w/a most serious look...and won't move until you make the same face. as soon as you return the favor, she lifts her sweet little face up and grins from ear to ear. and we laugh.

i could go on and on....the hundreds of things she does that melt us, capture us, still us...the few things she does that make us cringe (like this really high-pitched squeal thing)... she brings such joy and delight and peace to our lives. not only is it a joyful thing to watch her, love her, play w/her....it's also a joyful thing to become parents...to realize we're growin into these people we've talked about bein for so long.

even though it's a little late, a happy first father's day to joshua....a joy to have such a beautiful baby girl, a joy to parent w/him, a joy to watch him become a wonderfully strong, tender daddy.

thrilled

more often than not....well, actually, almost every moment of my days are filled with what i'd imagine most other new moms' days and thoughts are filled with. becomin a parent for the first time is unlike anything else in all the world. it's beautifully messy, awkward, mysterious, and surprisingly frustrating - and that's just the short list.

like probably every other parent out there, we think our baby girl rocks. she's just awesome. it's that simple.

one of the most recent new-parent discoveries is havin my heart swell w/pride. i've experienced what feels like a sea of emotion for our little one - gratitude, awe, adoration, joy, uncertainty, helplessness, overwhelmed-ness, stranger-ness and familiarity, celebration.... but until quite recently, i don't know that i would have included pride in that list. the trigger for this pride seems silly when i say it out loud or type it for all the world to see...but chances are, i'm not the only new mama who's felt this way.

as i wrote earlier, we tried the rice cereal thing a couple days ago. the first time went exceedingly well. tomorrow, it may be a disaster. a day might come when pureed peas don't go as smoothly. but the rice cereal, for about the last 60hrs, has been a huge success. each time we've set her in the high chair, strapped on the bib, and soaked up the sweetest moments of sharing our first meals together, a new but undefined wave has come over me....w/each feeding, the wave seemed stronger...and it was just a few hours ago that i realized the wave's name is pride. i'm so proud of her!! and bein proud of her for these seemingly tiny accomplishments far outweighs any pride i've had for my own feats. how marvelous is that?!

it's days like this.....sundays, when i deliberately slow down and attempt to rest and learn what sabbath is intended to be....that life is most beautiful. days when i put the to-do lists aside...let the dirty clothes stay scattered here and there...leave the tv off....and instead spend hour upon hour tellin riley all sorts of stories and listenin intently as she tells me her own....when i lay in the floor w/her and read books...walk outside w/her snug against my chest...and laugh and play and tickle and sing until i force myself to put her down for a nap.... days like this are what i've dreamed of for so long. i don't know that i've ever been more grateful.

all the fun things

all sorts of fun things are happenin around here lately...

riley tried and loved rice cereal! she's been eyein' us pretty closely as we shovel food into our mouths the last few weeks and seemed all too eager to have some shoveled into her own. it's so fun! she opens her mouth about as wide as the door of an airplane hanger. sometimes she smiles and laughs in the middle of tryin to get it off the spoon, so it goes anywhere but in her mouth. yesterday evenin, i was tryin to coax her a little (it was her windin down time). when i opened my mouth so she'd mimic me, she just smiled and laughed. now why she thinks it's hilarious for her mama to open her mouth like that is beyond me....and the years of 'my mom's weird looks' have already begun.

her skin's been understandably dry the last few weeks (similar to most of texas lands these days), so we've been givin her a bath every 2-3 days. well, needless to say, i haven't figured out how to keep the cereal out of various crevices... last nite, for instance, she got it b/w her toes, in her left ear, both nostrils, and right thigh fold. how that happened is beyond me... i mean, she hasn't even really found her toes yet, so they were never close to her mouth. i don't know. but we had a blast!

she's also diggin her wonderbug. she especially likes the parts she can grab, pull her way, and cram into her mouth. makes sense, i suppose, since her first 2 teeth are already in!! she's rollin and wigglin all over the place. the blanket that we lay her on used to be so big...and now? we can hardly keep her on it for more than a couple minutes w/o havin to reposition her.

we were SO happy to meet riley's newest cousins - silas and lydia sims. they were en route from kentucky to levelland, and we were glad to offer a rest stop. it's funny seein babies that are younger and smaller than your own - it made riley seem like a beast!

well, it's sunday mornin, and i was just tryin to get in a quick catch up blog before church. better get goin...

snapshot

it's saturday nite. i should be packin for our trip home tomorrow. it takes exponentially longer to pack when a baby is involved. riley's sound asleep in her room. josh is out workin. and i'm sittin here in our rockin chair.

a couple hours ago, i was sittin here rockin our sweet baby girl. she was takin her last little nap of the day. one of the sweetest time of the day for us right now - we hold her during that last nap, and it's one of the only times she'll fall asleep in our arms these days. i looked around the room...my ever-present need to pick up and clean and attempt to keep things tidy gnawin at me, as usual. shoes, thanks you cards, throw pillows, baby books, a kleenex box, blankets, and baby clothes all strewn about. and then, i looked right across the room at the couch. the far end of it had this random and somehow acutely expressive assortment of items.

a foam dart that josh shot out of a nerf gun. (a gun, by the way, that i bought for myself a few months ago at the urging of a dear friend.) a journal i'm keepin for riley. teething gel. a rattle. a teething ring. and a wooden stackable ring set...that's not stacked evenly b/c josh and riley were playin w/it last. when i'm the last one to play w/it, it's obvious - the colors and sizes are all stacked exactly as they should be :)

and when i saw the cushion's display, a wave of sweet gratitude swept thru me and settled the gnawin w/in. then i looked around the room, and rather than seein a list of odds and ends that needed to be put away, i saw a dozen other snapshots of our lives... the blanket, singing lamb, green outfit, and baby books in the middle of the floor...cap, car magazine, sunflower seeds, and tennis shoes...baby monitor, pledge, journal, glass of water...

tonite, it's good. i'm glad that it's obvious that we live here. in high school, a good friend of mine and the family's (and also a frequent guest) said "your house isn't messy, it's just well lived in." :) kinda funny....kinda euphemism-ish...but also kinda endearing.

i'm so deeply thankful that there's a snapshot of our lives sittin on the couch...and that it's a snapshot of the squishable beauty that's overtaken us in the last 4 1/2 months.