we survived

monday mornin came and went and left us tired :)

as best we can tell, the home study went well. no red flags during the home/environmental inspection. it helps, i think, that we have an almost-3-year-old runnin around who has yet to seriously harm herself. as for the interview-y part (which comprised about 85% of the 3 hour visit), it was very similar to the home study we had to have done before riley came home. lots of questions about our pasts and present, both individually and as a couple. lots of questions that were the same or closely related to the application questions we had to answer on paper a few weeks ago. no big surprises, though it always seems different to talk through things like that rather than write a few words. 

for what it's worth, this application and home study process this time around has given me a little different perspective on the purpose of the process. on the surface, and for good reason, it seems to be a system established to ensure that the adults wanting to adopt a baby/child are reasonable, well-adjusted, responsible folks who have the potential to be really good parents. i'm also beginning to wonder if there isn't somethin really good, albeit difficult, about goin through the process... b/c it's like taking an inventory of our life/lives. whether that's taking a little bit to think and reflect on who we are in our different roles (mama, daddy, sister, brother, daughter, son)...or havin to sit down and hammer out some money stuff that we've been puttin off. it just seems like a good idea. 

and for me, it's been a process that has caused gratitude to stir from somewhere deep within. gratitude for the growth and the gifts of the last 32 years and the last 3 years. gratitude for people....and, dare i say, gratitude for circumstances, however unforseen and unwelcomed, that have worn me to patience and kindness and love. 

the road from here.... the social worker will take a couple weeks to work through and write up our home study. then our completed application will go before an approval committee. in the meantime, we will write a profile letter and create a scrapbook of our family. once we're approved and have submitted our little projects, we'll be "officially waiting." 

thanks for hangin on for the ride w/us :)

home study to come

i can't really remember the contents of the last post, but given that it was written in july, i know a lot has happened since then. several trips to see friends and family, the arrival of huntin' season, the start of my last semester of school, and the completion of our adoption application. not many days after the application was turned in, the social worker called to arrange a date for the homestudy. that date is november 4. yep - just a few days away. 

in case you're not familiar w/adoption lingo, the homestudy is the first in-home visit completed by the agency's social worker. she comes and spends at least 3 hours (our first one before riley was about 5 hours) in your home....she'll talk to josh and me together and then to each of us individually. a great deal of the discussions will be related to the answers we provided on the application - our backgrounds, our relationships, our expectations for our children, etc. then she'll eventually walk through the inside and around the outside of our home, inspecting the safety level of our home environment. 

this last thing is generally the part that leads those in the world of adoption to term the homestudy "the white glove test." the agency says, "we just have to make sure your home is safe for a child. that you're fit to be parents." what the adoptive couple hears is, "we have to be on our bestest best behavior. our house has to look its bestest best ever."

so last time, we cleaned and sorted and bought all the necessary baby-proofing instruments. we worried and sifted and paced. i tried to ward off the nervousness by justifying the deep cleaning that was goin on as a necessary mid-summer cleaning spell. hours and hours were spent tryin to make our little rent house and our lives seem a little more put together than they actually were.

i vacuumed under the couch cushions. 

that's a serious extension of normal cleaning around here. 

this time around, i can almost guarantee the vacuum cleaner will make one sweep over the carpets and go back to the closet.

b/c this thing happens when you have a kid....and then want another one. at least it did for me. lots of things shifted and turned upside down and inside out when riley came home almost three years ago. i don't quite have the energy to prop up the veneer of all-is-well-all-the-time. there's no pause button on life right now. josh is working off-duty night shifts, and i'm workin when i can...so we can afford this next adoption. huntin season is in full-swing, and i spend my early mornings and nap times workin on school. in the meantime, riley sings at the top of her lungs hours each day...when she isn't singing, she's normally playing w/her cats (either real or imaginary) and often eager for mama to engage in her world of play. it doesn't stop....life doesn't stop. don't get me wrong - i'm not complaining or wishin for a different pace. i'm sayin that life is better now. 

life as a mother is good.

it's fuller and messier. it forces patience and an ongoing realignment of heart and mind. 

we're having to sacrifice and work toward this adoption in ways we didn't have to the first time around. it's hard, but it's a bearable kinda hard. it's a worth-it-kinda-hard.

so our homestudy is monday morning, and b/c life is fuller and messier, harder in some ways, and better in lots of ways....i'll clean as i can this weekend and hope this social worker is okay w/couch cushions that have been flipped over to hide the toddler-wear. in the meantime, we'll work and play and dress our girl up as minnie mouse this evenin and let her eat more candy than she needs.

p.s. due to josh comin home from a night shift and riley waking up right at the same time, it's taken me 2 hours to write this. i don't have time to proof it for confusion. sorry!

the rest of the story...

a few days ago, i took to facebook and urged my panhandle friends to attend a fundraiser in amarillo featuring willie from 'duck dynasty.' my guess is that the connection b/w this event and my facebook status is not all that mysterious....

the fundraiser is a joint effort by and for the benefit of san jacinto christian academy and special delivery infant adoption agency. 

clearer now? 

i suppose in the world of adoption, this is similar to sending out a cute picture of riley in a t-shirt that says, "big sister." only here, the timeline is completely uncertain :)

so there's the news, the rest of the story....

we'll be working with special delivery this go-around. we've already attended their orientation and training. we're currently, albeit slowly, working on the application. we hope to get it turn in my the start of huntin' season (september 1). in the meantime, i'm workin more this summer in an effort to save money for the expenses soon to come. 

one of the things that sets special delivery apart from most other adoption agencies is their concerted effort to minister to birth mothers over an extended period of time (beyond the few months of pregnancy and immediate post-partum weeks) AND to minimize adoptive parent expenses as much as possible. one of the ways that they do this is by holding fundraisers every year. the contributions and donations gained through these events help sustain both their ministry to birth mothers and their desire to keep adoption costs as low as possible. 

so....if you're a 'duck dynasty' fan or an adoption fan or anyone who might in any way be affected by either, consider an evening out listenin to willie talk about his own experience with adoption :)

no monsters under the bed here

i think i'll forgo the urge to apologize and explain away the six month gap between posts.... anyone who's readin' this and anyone who tries to blog regularly knows life keeps happenin', despite our best intentions.

i don't have anything adoption-related to write about this mornin'. actually, in the last few months, some of the adoption-frenzy that whirled inside of me for so long has subsided some. we've found ourselves pulled headlong into the life of parenting a rather opinionated, expressive, personality bursting toddler. our latest battle? 

paralyzing fear of the vacuum cleaner. 

it's a ferocious fear our brave little girl has somewhat suddenly developed. when she was itty bitty and making more noise crying than a freight train, i'd wrap her up against me and vacuum until she slipped away into baby slumber. and then somethin happened. not exactly sure what it was, and i'm not exactly sure when it was....but sometime in the last few months, the rumble of the vacuum cleaner switched from being soothing to soul-gripping. up until about a week ago, it was a manageable anxiety. i'd vacuum while she napped, and if i just had to do it while she was awake, josh would help. we tried everything from keeping her in the other room, thinkin maybe she'd outgrow the fear....to josh holdin her and talkin to her while i vacuumed....to puttin her little feet on the same carpet i was trying to clean....but nothin worked. it was mere survival. and like i said, this was all manageable until very recently.

the vacuum has a home. it's a hall closet it shares w/the coats, a yoga mat, an air mattress, and josh's grad school graduation gown that he refuses to get rid of. the closet is right next to the living room, and now riley has realized the door is the only thing b/w her and the frightening machine. about 4 days ago, she began pointing at the door and in her "i'm a little nervous here" voice, sayin "oodooo. ooodooo." translation: "there's somethin in there. i think i know what it is. i don't like it. but i'm not sure what want you to do about it." so we tried openin the door and showin her that the vacuum was put away. openin the door almost seemed better to her....as if it was better to see the monster rather than just fear that he was hiding behind the door. except that the pointing and the "oodoo"ing didn't stop. so we tried shuttin the door again. but that didn't work either. so we just left the door open. nope. still not makin any progress.

so a couple days ago, josh was gone, and it was just me and the tot. this routine of pointin at the door and "oodoo"ing was becoming incessant... we couldn't read books or stack blocks or even walk through the house. really? yes, really. so i decided, in all my 18mo of parenting wisdom and forethoughtfulness, "i will embrace this as an opportunity to teach my daughter not to be irrationally afraid of things." great idea, right? yes, of course it was.

attempt one: riley, i know you're afraid of the vacuum cleaner. that's okay right now. but look - the scary thing has a home, and sometimes when you're really afraid of something, you can just close the door....shut the scary thing behind somethin bigger and safer. riley, help mama shut the door. good job, riley! see? no more scary vacuum. the door is shut. 

this seemed to satisfy her for about 17 seconds.

attempt two: ignore the vacuum and ignore the pointing and "oodoo"ing.

this seemed to satisfy me for about 7 seconds.

attempt three: face the fear head on. i pulled the vacuum out of the closet and laid it over on its side. i sat beside it and started to mess w/the various dials and doors and wheels....tryin to show her that it's just made up of a whole bunch of parts that if found on any other piece of plastic, she would thoroughly enjoy. she kept her distance for a while....and then she would eventually lean forward and point to a part until i told her what it was. slowly, she inched her squatty little body toward me...and w/great trepidation, eventually sat down in my lap. i continued to name and show and play with the moveable parts.....and over the course of 40+ min (i am not kidding), she began touching and playing with the parts, too. 

i thought maybe we had conquered the fear once and for all....though it seems like this will be more of a process than a one-time deal. for convenience sake, i tried to return the vacuum to it's closet home, but the toddler fixation returned until the monster was drug from its den. so in the middle of the space b/w the living room and the dining room sits an upright vacuum cleaner....which, by the way, in its upright position still grips her w/anxiety and nervous "oodoo"ing. but as soon as we lay it over and (and this is an important step) go sit by it, she seems to gain some confidence.

it makes so sense to me, really. of all the things to be afraid of out here - a tree house whose first platform is about 5ft off the ground, a 100lb shaggy dog, sharp-clawed kittens....of these things, she's undaunted. the other day, she even walked off the couch - yes, was standin on the couch and walked right off the edge of it as if she could walk on air. and the vacuum cleaner is the monster. 

oh to know the inner workings of an 18mo old little girl.

right around the corner

i'm a swirl of thoughts and emotions today. i keep thinkin about this time last year - the 24 hours of unexpected tumult before riley was born, the mornin of her birth, the conversations and decisions on christmas day, the hospital stay, the tears and floods of emotion....and then riley's homecoming.

i think about her birthmom, who texted this mornin and asked for a picture or a video. she said she's havin a hard time today. of course she is. i can't imagine what christmas must be like for her. despite my edgier days (as recorded in my previous post), i really do want to be gracious and kind and patient. i need to be those things. i need to grow into a better version of myself where riley's birthmom is concerned. so after lunch, we got the camera out and tried to catch a few of riley's tricks - walking with the walker thing she got for christmas a few days ago, clappin for herself, pointin to her hair and pj's, and her latest face - the furrowed brow. we had fun and laughed and laughed. i just emailed them. the caregiver/fixer in me wishes there was somethin we could do to help bring her closure. somethin we could do to convince her she made the best decision. but we can't really. only she and The Lord can work to find Peace together.

i think about the last year and how in so many ways, it's been the best year of my life. i look at riley - while she's layin on her back, and i'm changin her diaper....w/a gigglin mouth full of teeth, a soft and squishy tummy, and a head of crazy hair...and i can hardly believe it. a baby in our house, in our arms...the pitter patter of a little girl chasin after us...the squeals of delight...the laughter when we wrestle...the little bitty socks that have disappeared....the livin room that's a danger zone due to the toys strewn about...our first arguments over whether or not she can play w/the dvds...her enjoyment and peace in bein outside... i think about the mornins i "sleep in" and have the babbles of a baby serve as my alarm clock....i think about the near constant desire to creep into her room and watch her sleep and the urge to pick her up and rock her for hours... i love the way she sounds, the way she smells, the way she looks, the way she eats and laughs and plays...

i think about Christmas. i think about how Christmas will never ever be the same again. in lots of ways. i think about the anticipation of birth and the community of people waitin for the Good News. i think about how wonderful it will be for riley to have a birthday-eve her whole life. i think about celebration and what Joy really is. i think about gratitude - for Grace, for Prayer, for longings fulfilled.

i think about wakin up tomorrow mornin and hearing the sounds of a happy one year old baby chatterin herself awake. i think about walkin in to get her out of her crib. in some ways, she'll think it's a mornin like every other mornin. in other ways, it's like she fully wakes up to a brand new day every mornin. maybe we'll sing. maybe we'll dance. maybe we'll laugh and play. we'll definitely delight in our little girl.

Beauty is everywhere today.

the rest of the story

we had a fairly rocky 7-10 days over thanksgiving....lots of things seemed to land on miss riley all at once - travel, a cold and cough, teething of molars, family, a wedding, and daddy workin a lot (which meant very little riley-daddy time). it was an unexpected rough patch, and although we seem to be well over the worst of it, the tension has stayed w/me some (and the anticipatory stress i'm havin over the busy-ness of this month isn't helpin).

have you read eastman's "are you my mother?" surely. remember the last not-my-mother thing, the big thing that the baby bird finds? not the kitten or the hen or the dog or the cow. the snort. when the baby bird realizes his mistake, he exclaims, "oh no! you are not my mother! you are a scary snort!"

days like today, when my temper and patience are equally short....i feel like riley looks at me and has that very same thought: "oh no! you are not my mother! you are a scary snort!" you look like my mother....you sound like my mother...you feel like my mother....but you are most definitely a scary snort.

and i feel rather snort-ish toward the birthmother right now, too. sometimes, i'm gracious. i feel gracious, and i behave graciously. but not always. sometimes, my phone dings w/a new text message, and when i see it's from her, i pretend i didn't see it for a while. when she wished us a happy thanksgiving, i responded "thanks! you too." but what i wanted to say was 'mind your own business.' when she asks if there's anything we want her to get riley for christmas, i don't know what to say. or when she says she's havin a hard time w/riley's birthday comin up....well, i'm just not very nice about it today.

i know - someone readin this is probably thinkin "well cut off communication w/her. it's your right, and your call." i know. but i don't think we need to make a decision like that just b/c i'm tired and moody.

today, it's just one of those things i want to forget about. i look at, listen to, and hold our beautiful one, and i most certainly don't want to be a snort to her.... but today, i can't say the same about her birthmother.

so there it is. the ugly truth.

exploring oceans

an ocean to explore....

in our western culture, we think everything's linear - life is a series of sequential events, people grow in developmental stages, and we conquer things w/in measurable parameters. sometimes this is true. sometimes things are linear. but not everything. and maybe not even most things. my current delving into the recesses of my heart and riley's adoption isn't linear. i think i try to make it linear, formulaic. it seems easier to me when struggles are perceived as equations....when i treat life like a marathon, tallyin mile markers along the way. 'seems' is the operative word here....

over and over again, i'm reminded that learnin to be a follower of Christ, a wife, a mother, a friend aren't one-dimensional objectives....they're experiences full of color and mess, beauty and sorrow, struggle and redemption. life and Life in The Lord are oceans to be explored....

one of the driving forces behind my current pursuit into adoptive mothering is a....what?...a sense? a wondering? a beckoning, even? i don't have the right word....but it's like there's a part of me that knows there's somethin else about this adoption thing that i'm not gettin. that the frustration and grief and confusion i'm carryin can't only be evidence of what i don't have, of what i can't do, of who i can't be....but evidence of what is offered. it's like....it's like bein hungry. when you're hungry, your hunger pangs and thoughts of food aren't only evidence of your lack of food....not only evidence of your desire for food....but also evidence that there is somethin out there that promises to satisfy.

these questions i'm wrestlin w/about adoption and riley and bein the kind of mother i dream of bein....i don't think they're just about the next 50 years of my life....i think they're drawin me to The Lord...maybe in ways i wouldn't know if i was able to conceive and carry our "natural" children.

i think there's somethin more to this than meets the eye.