halfway

it's friday nite...josh is on his way home...and i'm tryin to will myself away from the addictiveness of facebook (my latest venture). so i thought i'd see if writin a blog would facilitate me removin myself from this chair...

we've been really fortunate the last few weeks, as josh has been able to come home every weekend since christmas. he's carpooled w/dalhart (there's a guy from dalhart, but i have no idea how to spell his name, so i just call him 'dalhart') a few times and brought his fried royce ilsie home. we've piddled and played and watched movies and just enjoyed bein near each other...i don't think either of us are gettin used to this separation, which is good, i think. we're a week away from the seemingly pivotal half-way mark.

ya know...there's somethin about gettin to that place...or rather, takin one step on the other side of half-way. momentum seems to pick up a little...and a vague sense of downhill motion eases the mind. it's not all easy breathin this side of it, though. - i'm reminded of the last time josh and i went backpackin.

we went to colorado and started in. after a long day's work, we settled for the evenin in this quiet valley. our plans were to wake up the next day, take a day trip up to 'the window' and come back. judgin by where we thought we were on the map, we thought the endeavor would be about 4ish miles roundtrip...so we took a little food, some water, and headed out leisurely. we climbed and clamored and clamored and climbed...to the point of nearly exhausting ourselves...and this was all before we even reached the summit of 'the window' itself. i distinctly remember reachin this place...past the trees and shadows of the timber...into a sort of clearing...the grass was short, and there were little sprigs of mountain flowers all over the place...stones, from the size of pebbles to boulders, were scattered around....and up ahead, i saw the formation known as 'the window.' it was remarkable...adventurously inviting...and daunting.

i was beginnin to feel physically ill from the exhaustion...nauseated, trembly, foggy-headed...i was spent. or so i thought....w/'the window' w/in shoutin distance, we couldn't stop. we couldn't turn around. we had to go on...we had to. have you ever felt this way before? and that last 150-200 yards was the hardest length of the trip. i'd put my head down, take a deep breath, steady my respirations, and take as many steps as i could before almost fallin down....then i'd pause, stand up straight, look at the peak, fill my lungs w/thrilling mountain air, then duck my head and go a little farther. over and over i did this....until i finally made it. i think josh had to physically help me up the last few steps.... and we stood there. together. arms around each other. feelin like we were on top of the world....hands tremblin, legs shakin, hearts poundin...and the pure joy of that moment seemed to halt the spinning of the earth.

and then we had to head back downhill.

the downhill trek was still work...my whole person was so tired...but it was a different kind of tired than comin up. it was a worthwhile tired...a fulfilled exhaustion.... this stillness inside that rested, "we went all the way. it was so hard, and we kept goin till there wasn't any place left to go."

and yet...the hardest part of that day was the 150-200 yards just before the peak....that last little bit before we were half-way finished. and that's kinda how we feel right now, i think. after next weekend, we can reasonably say "we're almost there." if we can just keep goin...just keep on keepin on (like some of my dear friends would say), we'll get to graduation and a new version of our life together. but now...the past couple weeks...i think we've both fought the urge to give up...to throw in the towel, feelin like the messiness of these 7 months isn't worth what we can't see. fortunately, we haven't both had days like that at the same time....

amazingly enough, though, we're really doin okay. this continues to be difficult and frustrating, and honestly, it just flat-out sucks. but we're okay. appreciation is ever-lengthening in us...gratitude growing for how far we've come together....and deep rivers of love are holding us strongly and tenderly.

sidenote: what we thought was gonna be 4ish miles roundtrip turned into 4-5 miles oneway....so after about 9 miles and several hours, we stumbled into camp and crashed.