reviews and reminders

a number of potentially blog-worthy happenings have occurred lately....josh's first openin huntin season...the unexpected challenges of grad school...mama, grandma, and my precious niece comin down to visit for a couple days...maybe even a couple projects to report on, such as findin new josh-acceptable-recipes or composting.... and maybe such topics will surface here sometime.

but today, we've found ourselves in the seemingly inescapable confusing sadness of longing for children....

shortly after josh graduated from the academy, we decided to try some hormone therapy suggested by the infertility specialist in lubbock. the bottom line: both of our bodies are okay but neither is workin well enough to make this happen on our own. so...josh's folks were more than generous in lettin us bunk w/them for several days as we went back and forth to the dr for ultrasounds and new orders. the regimen basically consisted of idealizing my insides in order to give us the best possible chance of conception: meds to ensure my hormones would work a little more quickly, meds to ensure my eggs responded in a healthy manner, meds to ensure i would ovulate in a timely fashion....pills, shots, ultrasounds...a few times over.

we waited. we tried not to let our hopes soar thru the clouds...and yet, the further along we went, the more encouraging the nurse became...there was a decreasing amt of evidence to suggest the treatment wouldn't work. we laughed and joked and let ourselves dream again...unlike we'd had the stomach for in several months.

and then the day came for the actual pregnancy test.....

somehow, it didn't work. no one knows why, of course. there's only so much monitoring that can be done.... they monitored and controlled as much as could be monitored and controlled....

we were so disappointed. not devastated. devastation implies surprise....an element of the unexpected. if for no other reason than the longevity of this journey, we couldn't simply ignore the idea of the treatment not workin...so we weren't devastated. but disappointed for sure. we cried. i sat in josh's lap a lot. we kept doin what we knew to do - wake up, do whatever it is we had planned for the day, eat a couple meals, have normal conversation w/family, go to sleep. there wasn't a thing to say.... to each other, to ourselves, to family and friends. not a thing.

for just a couple weeks (before the pregnancy test), we had a bit of reprieve. a break from the weight and the ache and frustration....from the awkwardness of conversation....from the inevitable shruggin of shoulders toward the end of such conversations....for just a little while, we breathed the fresh air of new hope....dared to stand on our wobbly legs....w/new earth beneath our feet....delight. it was a delightful time.

and then that soft earth crumbled beneath us....the air grew heavy once again...and we found ourselves in the familiar streams of longing unfulfilled.

and yet, the world doesn't stop. our friends keep havin babies....others findin out they're pregnant for the first time...or the third.... it seems awful when the first reaction to such news is a twisting of our hearts...a wrestlin match b/w rejoicing w/them, bein glad for them and runnin head long into confusion, all kinds of self-righteousness, even envy....

again, we find ourselves in a place of wordlessness....afterall, what's left to say?

we hesitate to write so honestly here....readin stuff on the computer can be so one-dimensional...neither the writer nor the reader's time allows for all the disclaimers and further explanations to ensure miscommunication doesn't occur...and we don't write to gain pity....

but we write. i think maybe we need to write.....b/c we're not as near to some of you as we would like to be...to those of you who want to know what's really goin on...to those of you who have remained loving and faithful.

so that’s where we are...on a practical note, i think we'll probably try the treatment again...but as my strong and tender hearted husband suggested, we need to give our hearts a chance to recover before strappin in again....