...for a good title. maybe "wreck"...and i'd talk about how i'm a wreck right now. or "interview and such"...and i'd tell you about the wonderful meeting we had monday....or "it just keeps comin"...and i'd try to explain the continued effort of gettin the right information to the right people....
hmmm....i always have a hard time decidin to write what i'm feelin/where we are in the moment vs. the events that are unfolding. the two are never mutually exclusive...but for the sake of time and blog space, it's better that i choose. i guess i'll start w/the reporting of events...
the interview monday went really well. i was anxious and stressed....josh was wound up and excited...and when we pulled into the parkin lot, we both got really quiet...and i think a little nauseated...kinda like we did the day we went to the dr's office for the fertility tx last summer...and like we did the moment before gettin out of the car to meet the birthmom back in january. fortunately, the waves of sickness passed quickly when we walked in and sat down.
there's really so much to tell from the hour and a half we were there....i could write individual blogs about all of it....the atmosphere and informality of it all....the wealth of information we obtained...the woman we talked to...how we felt....the two year-old russion adoptee tryin to eat pizza...
as far as information goes, we didn't learn a whole lot that we didn't already know, really....we just learned about the particulars of this agency...how they do things, how they handle the money, how they meet the birthmoms, their history, etc.
mingled throughout all of the information, we learned about adoption...and we felt understood...maybe for the first time. the woman who is the executive director of the agency is also the lawyer...and she's also an adoptive mother of two. both of her little girls are from russia....the youngest was havin lunch when we showed up, so we sat at the table w/the mother/director/lawyer and the cutest 2 yr old little girl w/pizza sauce from head to toe. she told us a little about her experiences....about her beliefs about adoption....her philosophy in runnin an adoption agency. it was nice to be w/someone who understood, who has been here...someone w/whom we could converse unedited....
there are so many things we think and feel that seem....mean and rude and ungrateful to the outside world....and so many things that others say that are unintentionally awful.... so it was relieving to sit w/someone who was honest and unoffended and not at all confused by our conflicting emotions.
we both felt really good about it....in the moment, sittin across the table from them...and afterward. so we handed over our manilla folder, bulging w/paper work and a check...a check that josh joked we should have put "arm and leg" in the memo line :)
so the process from there....
she goes thru the application....gives it to their social worker. the social worker contacts us to set up the homestudy...he comes to seymour and completes his part (another explanation for another blog)...then it's just a matter of time.
most of their birthmoms come in several months pregnant and eventually meet w/the adoptive couple. however, they sometimes get phone calls from hospitals sayin "we have a baby here available for adoption"....so really, we have no idea what our situation will look like.
so....yeah.... we've signed up w/an adoption agency. officially.
here we go....
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
what?
two blogs in one day? definitely a first....probably a last.
but at the moment, i'm sittin here, wonderin if i answered my questions "correctly." how do you answer adoption application questions "correctly" anyway? it's not a job application...but it's not a counseling session either....
questions like...."how did your parents influence your life?" WHAT? they're my parents, for cryin out loud! the question's probably not directed toward their genetic influence....but seriously....i doubt there are many places (if any at all) that haven't been in some way influenced by mama and daddy....for better or worse....so i talked very generally about mama's honesty and daddy's work ethic and how laughter sailed us all thru many a storm. but hours later, now i'm wonderin...would it have been more parental-sounding to talk about their determination to not live in debt, how they taught me financial responsibility? would it be better to sound explicitly grateful and talk about how they bent over backwards to send me to countless camps, traveled to all my games and tournaments, and how they scraped by for years so that my college would be paid for? what about the smaller things...like how i sit on a couch just like mama and grandma do...how i tend to use somethin until it's completely worn out like daddy... or maybe how i hope our family shares regular meals at a table rather than in the livin room like we did growin up? i think a better question would be "how have your parents NOT influenced your life?"
how about this one: "what are three of your strengths and why?" again....seriously? when i apply for a nursing job, this is easy....organization, attention to detail, treating patients as people... but....this isn't really a job application. so what kinds of strengths are we talkin about here? office-oriented? career-focused? emotional strengths? spiritual gifts? my strengths as a wife? friend? daughter? sister? aaaahhhh.... of course, bein a parent (i think) will be all of this together and none of it at all... so....that still leaves me w/three blank lines.....
as a mother, i hope to let my kids be who they are...to be gracious and wise....playful and safe...hopeful and enduring and tender.... to give them beautiful love and wild laughter....
but not everyone appreciates that kind of language....sometimes folks just want the nuts-and-bolts answers....those tend to be safer answers somehow....
so i don't know...my questions are answered...and probably, i shouldn't worry about them...i could go back 12 times and change my answers and still wonder if my answers are "correct."
how do you apply for adoption? how do you apply to become a parent? such a strange place....
but at the moment, i'm sittin here, wonderin if i answered my questions "correctly." how do you answer adoption application questions "correctly" anyway? it's not a job application...but it's not a counseling session either....
questions like...."how did your parents influence your life?" WHAT? they're my parents, for cryin out loud! the question's probably not directed toward their genetic influence....but seriously....i doubt there are many places (if any at all) that haven't been in some way influenced by mama and daddy....for better or worse....so i talked very generally about mama's honesty and daddy's work ethic and how laughter sailed us all thru many a storm. but hours later, now i'm wonderin...would it have been more parental-sounding to talk about their determination to not live in debt, how they taught me financial responsibility? would it be better to sound explicitly grateful and talk about how they bent over backwards to send me to countless camps, traveled to all my games and tournaments, and how they scraped by for years so that my college would be paid for? what about the smaller things...like how i sit on a couch just like mama and grandma do...how i tend to use somethin until it's completely worn out like daddy... or maybe how i hope our family shares regular meals at a table rather than in the livin room like we did growin up? i think a better question would be "how have your parents NOT influenced your life?"
how about this one: "what are three of your strengths and why?" again....seriously? when i apply for a nursing job, this is easy....organization, attention to detail, treating patients as people... but....this isn't really a job application. so what kinds of strengths are we talkin about here? office-oriented? career-focused? emotional strengths? spiritual gifts? my strengths as a wife? friend? daughter? sister? aaaahhhh.... of course, bein a parent (i think) will be all of this together and none of it at all... so....that still leaves me w/three blank lines.....
as a mother, i hope to let my kids be who they are...to be gracious and wise....playful and safe...hopeful and enduring and tender.... to give them beautiful love and wild laughter....
but not everyone appreciates that kind of language....sometimes folks just want the nuts-and-bolts answers....those tend to be safer answers somehow....
so i don't know...my questions are answered...and probably, i shouldn't worry about them...i could go back 12 times and change my answers and still wonder if my answers are "correct."
how do you apply for adoption? how do you apply to become a parent? such a strange place....
decisions decisions
the time that's passed since the last blog has passed quickly and busily. i had a test and a final...marsha's fiance' graduated from ac...i finally had time to clean the house (eek!)...josh has been busy busy workin the lake...and we've even squeezed in a fishin trip or two ourselves. oh - and we made a decision about an agency...just by the way :)
we've decided to go through the agency in lubbock -- www.adoptioncovenant.org
so much has happened in light of our decision....lots of tangible stuff...and unexpected waves of emotion.
the tangible stuff is a lot of what has been so overwhelming to look at from a distance...the application itself is over 40 pages. what is it that they want to know that requires 40 pages? everything! financial stuff....health history...marriage history...and a slew of personal questions...most of which many of us never intentionally think about. each of us has to individually answer several pages of questions about our lives up to now -- our childhoods, pleasant memories, unpleasant memories, discipline philosophies, our perspective re: adoption, conflict growin up, our relationships w/parents and sisters, dating ideas, etc etc etc... so it's a pretty intense evaluation of who we are now in light of where we've been.
then there's the list of things to do/documents to gather -- copies of everything under the sun...birth certificates, marriage certificates, transcripts, bills, bank statements, tax returns, proof of every kind of insurance you can think of, fingerprints, and a sketch of the floor plan of our house. we both had to get physicals, which we wrapped up monday. the doctor was great and really encouraging...which is always a nice surprise.
we also had to choose three references and get them the paperwork to fill out. each of them was wonderful when asked....and said things you hope real "references" would be able to say....encouraging and hopeful and honest and grateful to be able to help.
a funny story....one of the things we're supposed to turn in is a rent receipt. josh and i laughed when we saw this. a rent receipt? oh yeah - folks who live in apt complexes or live in cities probably get these.... not here :). i generally give our rent check to betty when i meet w/this group of older women for lunch every month...and then the next time i see robert, he goes on and on about how he wants to take us out to dinner b/c he just got another rent check...and then he gives me a hug. but we talked to them about it anyway....so robert - who has multiple rent houses in seymour and has been a landlord for 30 years - goes down to the newspaper office and asks for a receipt book. he then makes a special trip all the way out here...pulls out this brand new receipt book and tries to fill it out correctly. our names are on the line where the money amt is supposed to go, and you can barely read our names b/c his 80 year old hand doesn't write too well anymore...but he was pleased as punch to help us out. i thanked him...over and over again...and then a few hours later, realized we needed 2 months' worth of rent receipts. oh well...we'll just explain the situation in the interview :)
so our plan....the rushin around and various phone calls the last couple weeks have paid off...all we have left to do is copy a few more bills, organize all our stuff, and i need to answer my part of the questions...then the application will be complete. we'll go to lubbock sunday evenin sometime...and we have an appt w/the agency at 2:00 monday afternoon.
generally, adoptive parents complete the application and deliver it to the agency one day, and then several days later have an interview. however, since a single trip to lubbock would be so much easier, they're lettin us turn in the application and interview the same day. we're grateful for that.
so that's where we are....a trip to lubbock, a completed adoption application, a fat check for the application fee and homestudy, and an interview.... here we go . . .
oh - i mentioned the unexpected waves of emotion earlier...i'll have to write about those later.
we've decided to go through the agency in lubbock -- www.adoptioncovenant.org
so much has happened in light of our decision....lots of tangible stuff...and unexpected waves of emotion.
the tangible stuff is a lot of what has been so overwhelming to look at from a distance...the application itself is over 40 pages. what is it that they want to know that requires 40 pages? everything! financial stuff....health history...marriage history...and a slew of personal questions...most of which many of us never intentionally think about. each of us has to individually answer several pages of questions about our lives up to now -- our childhoods, pleasant memories, unpleasant memories, discipline philosophies, our perspective re: adoption, conflict growin up, our relationships w/parents and sisters, dating ideas, etc etc etc... so it's a pretty intense evaluation of who we are now in light of where we've been.
then there's the list of things to do/documents to gather -- copies of everything under the sun...birth certificates, marriage certificates, transcripts, bills, bank statements, tax returns, proof of every kind of insurance you can think of, fingerprints, and a sketch of the floor plan of our house. we both had to get physicals, which we wrapped up monday. the doctor was great and really encouraging...which is always a nice surprise.
we also had to choose three references and get them the paperwork to fill out. each of them was wonderful when asked....and said things you hope real "references" would be able to say....encouraging and hopeful and honest and grateful to be able to help.
a funny story....one of the things we're supposed to turn in is a rent receipt. josh and i laughed when we saw this. a rent receipt? oh yeah - folks who live in apt complexes or live in cities probably get these.... not here :). i generally give our rent check to betty when i meet w/this group of older women for lunch every month...and then the next time i see robert, he goes on and on about how he wants to take us out to dinner b/c he just got another rent check...and then he gives me a hug. but we talked to them about it anyway....so robert - who has multiple rent houses in seymour and has been a landlord for 30 years - goes down to the newspaper office and asks for a receipt book. he then makes a special trip all the way out here...pulls out this brand new receipt book and tries to fill it out correctly. our names are on the line where the money amt is supposed to go, and you can barely read our names b/c his 80 year old hand doesn't write too well anymore...but he was pleased as punch to help us out. i thanked him...over and over again...and then a few hours later, realized we needed 2 months' worth of rent receipts. oh well...we'll just explain the situation in the interview :)
so our plan....the rushin around and various phone calls the last couple weeks have paid off...all we have left to do is copy a few more bills, organize all our stuff, and i need to answer my part of the questions...then the application will be complete. we'll go to lubbock sunday evenin sometime...and we have an appt w/the agency at 2:00 monday afternoon.
generally, adoptive parents complete the application and deliver it to the agency one day, and then several days later have an interview. however, since a single trip to lubbock would be so much easier, they're lettin us turn in the application and interview the same day. we're grateful for that.
so that's where we are....a trip to lubbock, a completed adoption application, a fat check for the application fee and homestudy, and an interview.... here we go . . .
oh - i mentioned the unexpected waves of emotion earlier...i'll have to write about those later.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
details details
computers and the internet, among other purposes, serve as constantly and easily available distractions from legitimately necessary tasks.....for instance, studyin...
i really don't have much of an idea as to who reads this blog or how often....but in case there's anyone out there reading this, who i don't talk to on a regular basis or who i don't frequently exchange emails with, i thought a quick 'detail blog' might be appreciated.
the intricacies of adoption and the process of deciding on an agency are pretty foreign details to most folks....so there may be someone who's wondering what it is exactly that we're sifting through, what kinds of questions we're asking of these agencies. so....
(in no particular order....)
state law requires (at least) two things before a family can adopt: at least 8hrs of adoption education and a home study. most agencies require the adoptive couple to attend an 8hr orientation class that they present. a few agencies allow the couple to complete 8hrs of approved education/training elsewhere - thru other agencies or thru online opportunities.
the home study is a pretty involved process. it entails a licensed social worker coming into your home and checkin things out. this involves an evaluation of the safety and suitability of the house itself. it also involves an extensive interview. all the agencies we've looked into require at least 2 visits -- either both visits prior to the adoption or a visit before the adoption and then a post-placement visit a few weeks after the adoption....to make sure everything's goin okay.
our biggest concern in this facet of the process is proximity. if a particular educational class is required, we have to factor in the money and time necessary for us to attend. it should also be noted that these required classes are not offered terribly often. some agencies offer the class once a year....others it's once a quarter...and still others it's more on an as-needed basis. the home study isn't as difficult to consider in terms of scheduling, but there are some considerations....since we live in the middle of nowhere, we will incur additional expense for the social worker having to travel. some agencies also charge an "out of area fee" in addition to the traveling expenses.
this has led quite nicely into the money part of this decision :). adoption isn't cheap, needless to say. gosh...i could write an entire blog or more just on the details of fees and such....let me see if i can be brief....
every agency charges for their services -- these services are often broken down into the cost of the home study, legal fees, and placement fees (basically the leg work of connecting the birthmom to the adoptive parents). these costs are set and for the most part, don't seem to differ substantially among agencies....at least not the ones we're lookin' at.
there is some variability, though. that variability lies within each birthmom's situation. if she's a teenager from a middle-class home and is still on her parents' insurance, then she doesn't need a lot of help from the agency. if, however, she isn't that fortunate, she may need some help through the pregnancy - everything from help w/the doctor's bills to utilities and food and rent. the way an agency decides to handle this variability seems to be what dictates the cost to the adoptive parent.
we've found agencies handle this in two ways:
1. take an average of the total cost of their adoptions and charge every adoptive couple the same amount, regardless of how much help your particular birthmom needs.
2. charge a minimum fee (their service fee) and then any additional fees the agency assumes responsibility for in helping the birthmom through the pregnancy. often times, the agency will have a maximum possible fee.
obviously, there are advantages and disadvantages to both ways.... for us, though, it's a question of risk. what was it daddy used to say? he wasn't made out of money? money didn't grow on trees? well that's for dang sure! with the minimum-maximum fee, for instance, i found an agency the other day that charged $15,000 min to....are you ready?...$37,000 maximum. yes - i meant to type all three zeroes. so figurin' out exactly how an agency handles the cost of their services is a big part of this sifting process for us. we simply cannot commit to an agency, hoping for $15,000 but risking $37,000. like daddy, neither we nor our plants are made out of money.
then there are all sorts of agency policies to consider and wade thru....do they require open adoptions? only closed adoptions? what about the dad factor? how do they manage those situations? do we get to meet the birthmom beforehand? how do they handle the birth itself - do we take the baby home from the hospital? or is the baby given to an agency representative until all the papers are signed? -- there are so many logistical angles to consider...
and finally....the part that's much more difficult to articulate...siftin thru how our hearts and spirits and minds respond to the information, the options, and the possibilities. we don't want this decision to be determined by mere convenience of location and cost...and we also realize there won't be a perfect agency w/which we agree on every detail... so we wait, as patiently as possible, and let the whirlwind of emails and questions and applications slow....and hopefully in a few days, the dust will settle, and we'll choose.
i really don't have much of an idea as to who reads this blog or how often....but in case there's anyone out there reading this, who i don't talk to on a regular basis or who i don't frequently exchange emails with, i thought a quick 'detail blog' might be appreciated.
the intricacies of adoption and the process of deciding on an agency are pretty foreign details to most folks....so there may be someone who's wondering what it is exactly that we're sifting through, what kinds of questions we're asking of these agencies. so....
(in no particular order....)
state law requires (at least) two things before a family can adopt: at least 8hrs of adoption education and a home study. most agencies require the adoptive couple to attend an 8hr orientation class that they present. a few agencies allow the couple to complete 8hrs of approved education/training elsewhere - thru other agencies or thru online opportunities.
the home study is a pretty involved process. it entails a licensed social worker coming into your home and checkin things out. this involves an evaluation of the safety and suitability of the house itself. it also involves an extensive interview. all the agencies we've looked into require at least 2 visits -- either both visits prior to the adoption or a visit before the adoption and then a post-placement visit a few weeks after the adoption....to make sure everything's goin okay.
our biggest concern in this facet of the process is proximity. if a particular educational class is required, we have to factor in the money and time necessary for us to attend. it should also be noted that these required classes are not offered terribly often. some agencies offer the class once a year....others it's once a quarter...and still others it's more on an as-needed basis. the home study isn't as difficult to consider in terms of scheduling, but there are some considerations....since we live in the middle of nowhere, we will incur additional expense for the social worker having to travel. some agencies also charge an "out of area fee" in addition to the traveling expenses.
this has led quite nicely into the money part of this decision :). adoption isn't cheap, needless to say. gosh...i could write an entire blog or more just on the details of fees and such....let me see if i can be brief....
every agency charges for their services -- these services are often broken down into the cost of the home study, legal fees, and placement fees (basically the leg work of connecting the birthmom to the adoptive parents). these costs are set and for the most part, don't seem to differ substantially among agencies....at least not the ones we're lookin' at.
there is some variability, though. that variability lies within each birthmom's situation. if she's a teenager from a middle-class home and is still on her parents' insurance, then she doesn't need a lot of help from the agency. if, however, she isn't that fortunate, she may need some help through the pregnancy - everything from help w/the doctor's bills to utilities and food and rent. the way an agency decides to handle this variability seems to be what dictates the cost to the adoptive parent.
we've found agencies handle this in two ways:
1. take an average of the total cost of their adoptions and charge every adoptive couple the same amount, regardless of how much help your particular birthmom needs.
2. charge a minimum fee (their service fee) and then any additional fees the agency assumes responsibility for in helping the birthmom through the pregnancy. often times, the agency will have a maximum possible fee.
obviously, there are advantages and disadvantages to both ways.... for us, though, it's a question of risk. what was it daddy used to say? he wasn't made out of money? money didn't grow on trees? well that's for dang sure! with the minimum-maximum fee, for instance, i found an agency the other day that charged $15,000 min to....are you ready?...$37,000 maximum. yes - i meant to type all three zeroes. so figurin' out exactly how an agency handles the cost of their services is a big part of this sifting process for us. we simply cannot commit to an agency, hoping for $15,000 but risking $37,000. like daddy, neither we nor our plants are made out of money.
then there are all sorts of agency policies to consider and wade thru....do they require open adoptions? only closed adoptions? what about the dad factor? how do they manage those situations? do we get to meet the birthmom beforehand? how do they handle the birth itself - do we take the baby home from the hospital? or is the baby given to an agency representative until all the papers are signed? -- there are so many logistical angles to consider...
and finally....the part that's much more difficult to articulate...siftin thru how our hearts and spirits and minds respond to the information, the options, and the possibilities. we don't want this decision to be determined by mere convenience of location and cost...and we also realize there won't be a perfect agency w/which we agree on every detail... so we wait, as patiently as possible, and let the whirlwind of emails and questions and applications slow....and hopefully in a few days, the dust will settle, and we'll choose.
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