can't believe it's been over six weeks since that last blog... i can't go on w/o thankin everyone for your prayers, your encouragement, and your sincerity...so thank you...we're grateful for you and appreciate you hopin for us...
not a whole lot has happened, actually. josh was the last one to speak w/the birthmother. he was very calm and wise and encouraged her (and me) to just take a few weeks to breathe...to give the dad time to think about it...and reminded her that takin care of herself for the baby's sake was the most important thing to do. she was agreeable to the waiting and to the breathing....
and then he called the lawyer. the lawyer was very honest, which we appreciated. long story short, his counsel was "i tell anyone in this situation to cut their losses and run." not exactly what we were hopin for, but again, we appreciated his honesty. then he went on to explain -- the fight may not be worth it if the worst case scenario is possible....that being the mom relinquishes her rights to us, and we're given custody of the baby...but then the dad contests, and the judge gives him a period of time to "prove himself" via child support and health insurance coverage, etc...and if the dad lives up to it, regardless of his past or of his future, the court system will have no legal grounds to deny him his parental rights to the baby. so in the end, the mom has signed over her rights and doesn't get the baby...josh and i don't get the baby...and the baby ends up w/only the dad...
he went on to advise josh -- "at the end of two years of battlin in court, you've spent way more than you would have goin to an adoption agency in the first place...but ya know, the money wouldn't be the worst part...the worst part would be hearin that judge give the dad the rights to the baby and havin to give up the baby you've loved and fought for for two years. and i don't think you want to do that do your wife." i think about all josh was able to muster at that point was a solemn "no, sir, i don't."
but he also encouraged josh....told him he's seen cases like this where the dad contests b/c of a dysfunctional relationship w/the mom...and not necessarily b/c he has any vested interest in the baby...so he said if he were in our situation, he would write the dad a letter...tell him a little bit about ourselves...and maybe that would turn the tide....after all, we don't have anything to lose...
so minimized on this computer screen tonite is a letter...
a letter to a man we've never met. a man we don't know much about. a man who has fathered a baby we anticipated to be ours. a man who may or may not like nurses or law enforcement guys. a man who may or may not even read it. a man we're hopin will make a decision in the best interest of an unborn baby boy. a man whose change of heart could change our lives, and the lives of a lot of other people...for always....
i'm not real sure how this will all play out...if we'll hear anything back at all...so writin the letter and mailin it doesn't really change anything...it doesn't change the unknown or the uncertainty of the wait....doesn't change this strange place of bein afraid to hope and bein afraid not to...
but if there's at all a chance that it will change anything....that it will turn the tide...then we can't not do it....
in the meantime.... we just keep on keepin on...one day at a time....
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
no good title
i've been thinkin about this blog for over a month....at various times over the last few weeks, i've had the perfect layout for the story....but i always hesitated to write...then the story would change, so my idea for writin about it would change accordingly...
the design was roughly somethin like this....
part I: no-man's land...and i'd write a little about how josh and i were hardly even talkin about the baby thing anymore....not b/c anything had happened....actually, that's precisely why there wasn't anything to say - nothin had happened. the further we got from the failed fertility treatment of the summer, the more futile another attempt felt. when we thought of adoption, we still had so many reservations...the inherent risk in it all, can we love a baby that doesn't come from us, moral opposition to the cost of bringing a family together thru an adoption agency, etc...
part II: the phone call....this happened on the afternoon of new year's eve...i was at work when i got a call...a call that stopped my heart and brought tears to my eyes...a call that changed everything.... one of those friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend things...there was a young woman, pregnant, able to see ahead and determine she would be unable to care for her child after the birth, and wanted josh and i to adopt her baby come june... it was one of those fall-in-your-lap kinda deals. the kind you just can't quite call a coincidence.
part III: the meeting....the first time we met this brave woman was at the dr's office...just a few minutes prior to the sonogram she invited us into...we ended up spendin the better part of the day w/her and her family...the sonogram revealed the baby would be born a sweet little boy...the dr's appt assured us that everything was healthy and normal...lunch afterward should have been incredibly awkward, but as we all sat around chatting, it was remarkably comfortable... we left to come back home and knew in our hearts (though our mouths were hesitant to give voice to them immediately) that this is what we wanted... all along, we've said that if adoption was what we needed to do, there was an ideal situation...and so many of those hopes were met in this woman, her family, and their intentions....
...then all remaining blogs would be about the Glory of it all...the tears and the peace we shared...the anxiety that seemed to be comforted over and over again..... everything from the gift it would be to become parents w/in just a couple weeks of our dear friends becoming parents as well (our little boy and the merrills' little boy growin up together....)...and havin to re-arrange our house to fit a baby (after nearly 7 yrs of marriage, we've accumulated an embarrassing amt of stuff)...and walkin thru wal-mart one afternoon and realizin that passin by the baby stuff didn't hurt anymore.... and the nuts and bolts of the legal side of things, conversations w/the lawyer and such...our blog would finally be fulfilling its purpose...
but given the tone of the blog thus far, i'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that this week has brought a significant change of events....
long story short, the baby's birthfather has been notified, and he's stated that he has no intentions of relinquishing his rights. in the state of texas, both biological parents have rights to the child...
as i sit here this evenin, there seem to be a hundred more things to say.... like how our next step is to talk to the lawyer to see what his counsel is....or the foolishness i feel for becoming so quickly invested in this obviously unpredictable situation...the questions we have, which are endless it seems...the storm of emotion that has accompanied this potential ending to the fairytale...my cynicism is stirred, thinkin of the things people say around times like this, things about "meant to be" and usually when we say things like that, it's b/c we don't have answers for really crappy things, really hard questions...but i know folks mean well, and i know i'm just hurting...
when my tears seemed to have run out, i find myself almost chucklin, thinkin "you have got to be kiddin me. really? 5 1/2 yrs of tryin when so many others have unintentional and unwanted pregnancies...doctors who say 'we don't know what's wrong. for all practical purposes, this should work' only to be followed by a failed treatment...and now a seemingly ideal adoption situation on the brink of failure? really?" sometimes i can't believe this is our life...
sometimes i find the difference b/w surrender and numb a little foggy....and it's times like this when i want to say w/red "hope is a dangerous thing"
the design was roughly somethin like this....
part I: no-man's land...and i'd write a little about how josh and i were hardly even talkin about the baby thing anymore....not b/c anything had happened....actually, that's precisely why there wasn't anything to say - nothin had happened. the further we got from the failed fertility treatment of the summer, the more futile another attempt felt. when we thought of adoption, we still had so many reservations...the inherent risk in it all, can we love a baby that doesn't come from us, moral opposition to the cost of bringing a family together thru an adoption agency, etc...
part II: the phone call....this happened on the afternoon of new year's eve...i was at work when i got a call...a call that stopped my heart and brought tears to my eyes...a call that changed everything.... one of those friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend things...there was a young woman, pregnant, able to see ahead and determine she would be unable to care for her child after the birth, and wanted josh and i to adopt her baby come june... it was one of those fall-in-your-lap kinda deals. the kind you just can't quite call a coincidence.
part III: the meeting....the first time we met this brave woman was at the dr's office...just a few minutes prior to the sonogram she invited us into...we ended up spendin the better part of the day w/her and her family...the sonogram revealed the baby would be born a sweet little boy...the dr's appt assured us that everything was healthy and normal...lunch afterward should have been incredibly awkward, but as we all sat around chatting, it was remarkably comfortable... we left to come back home and knew in our hearts (though our mouths were hesitant to give voice to them immediately) that this is what we wanted... all along, we've said that if adoption was what we needed to do, there was an ideal situation...and so many of those hopes were met in this woman, her family, and their intentions....
...then all remaining blogs would be about the Glory of it all...the tears and the peace we shared...the anxiety that seemed to be comforted over and over again..... everything from the gift it would be to become parents w/in just a couple weeks of our dear friends becoming parents as well (our little boy and the merrills' little boy growin up together....)...and havin to re-arrange our house to fit a baby (after nearly 7 yrs of marriage, we've accumulated an embarrassing amt of stuff)...and walkin thru wal-mart one afternoon and realizin that passin by the baby stuff didn't hurt anymore.... and the nuts and bolts of the legal side of things, conversations w/the lawyer and such...our blog would finally be fulfilling its purpose...
but given the tone of the blog thus far, i'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that this week has brought a significant change of events....
long story short, the baby's birthfather has been notified, and he's stated that he has no intentions of relinquishing his rights. in the state of texas, both biological parents have rights to the child...
as i sit here this evenin, there seem to be a hundred more things to say.... like how our next step is to talk to the lawyer to see what his counsel is....or the foolishness i feel for becoming so quickly invested in this obviously unpredictable situation...the questions we have, which are endless it seems...the storm of emotion that has accompanied this potential ending to the fairytale...my cynicism is stirred, thinkin of the things people say around times like this, things about "meant to be" and usually when we say things like that, it's b/c we don't have answers for really crappy things, really hard questions...but i know folks mean well, and i know i'm just hurting...
when my tears seemed to have run out, i find myself almost chucklin, thinkin "you have got to be kiddin me. really? 5 1/2 yrs of tryin when so many others have unintentional and unwanted pregnancies...doctors who say 'we don't know what's wrong. for all practical purposes, this should work' only to be followed by a failed treatment...and now a seemingly ideal adoption situation on the brink of failure? really?" sometimes i can't believe this is our life...
sometimes i find the difference b/w surrender and numb a little foggy....and it's times like this when i want to say w/red "hope is a dangerous thing"
Sunday, November 22, 2009
revelation
about four things have been happenin the last while here....wasps attempting to take up residence inside the house, lots of school for me, lots of work for josh, and an extended visit from grandma. a combination of cooler weather and several cans of wasp spray have about taken care of the insect attack...two smaller assignments for me before i'm finished for the semester...no signs of slowin down b/w now and january for josh...and grandma, who is recovering exceptionally well after her knee replacement had to be replaced, will be goin home this week. whew!
one of josh's responsibilities is to take care of deer that have been hit on the highways. just b/c i have the time, i'll share the whole story.... a few days ago, josh got a call that a monster deer had been hit, so he went to investigate. the buck was dead, but b/c of his size, josh took his horns so he can use them in presentations and such....last sunday, a lady came up to me after church, tellin me how josh had found her deer. i thought maybe she and her husband had some land and had been watchin this deer, thus the endearing "my" when she spoke of the deceased. nope. "i'm the one who hit him!" was her clarification. anyway....the local taxidermist did a european mount with the skull and horns. (this means the mount is just the horns and bleached skull...no glassy brown deer eyes following you, no dead deer hair, etc). he finished this up pretty quickly, and josh picked it up on his way home from work. the deer's new home was to be josh's office at the courthouse....but he was temporarily placed next to the couch in the livin room.
two important events came about after this placement.... one, he started to smell...so i politely asked josh to please take him to his office as soon as possible. secondly...well, a revelation occurred.
along w/the deer horns, josh also needed to take this really big atlas back out to his pickup...so using reason and logic, i placed this huge atlas right next to the deer mount....i rationally believed josh would remember the deer horns, go to retrieve them from the livin room, see the atlas, and take both items w/him to work. well, the next mornin, i reminded him about the horns....he proceeded to walk across the room, STEP OVER the atlas, pick up the horns, and turn to leave.
WHAT?
"josh, what about the atlas? don't you need to take it, too?" "what atlas?" oh my gosh...i about fell over. "oh, yeah, thanks...i didn't see it." WHAT?!?!
i asked him to wait a minute while i tried to process what had just happened....i had this feelin that if i took a moment to fully comprehend what had just happened, my life and our marriage might be changed.
after a few questions, reality was revealed. he honestly did not see the atlas. i don't understand it...i don't know how he couldn't see it....but i believed him...his face wasn't lyin (and if you know josh, you know his face is a dead give away for the truth).... so somehow, it is in fact true that he simply does not notice things sometimes....the very things that i pick up on immediately when i walk through our house (dirty socks, stacks of clean clothes, dishes, trash, blankets, stuff....)...i'm not completely lettin him off the hook! he's confessed to a few occasions of intentionally not pickin somethin up just to irritate me....but in general, he simply does not notice the same things i do...and he's not at all concerned w/stuff lyin around....
realizing all of this widened my eyes and made me laugh out loud! when i tried to explain it to him...how obvious the atlas was...how i had deliberately placed it next to the deer so he would see it....he eventually saw the situation from my point of view, chuckled, and left as if nothin had happened. of course.
one of josh's responsibilities is to take care of deer that have been hit on the highways. just b/c i have the time, i'll share the whole story.... a few days ago, josh got a call that a monster deer had been hit, so he went to investigate. the buck was dead, but b/c of his size, josh took his horns so he can use them in presentations and such....last sunday, a lady came up to me after church, tellin me how josh had found her deer. i thought maybe she and her husband had some land and had been watchin this deer, thus the endearing "my" when she spoke of the deceased. nope. "i'm the one who hit him!" was her clarification. anyway....the local taxidermist did a european mount with the skull and horns. (this means the mount is just the horns and bleached skull...no glassy brown deer eyes following you, no dead deer hair, etc). he finished this up pretty quickly, and josh picked it up on his way home from work. the deer's new home was to be josh's office at the courthouse....but he was temporarily placed next to the couch in the livin room.
two important events came about after this placement.... one, he started to smell...so i politely asked josh to please take him to his office as soon as possible. secondly...well, a revelation occurred.
along w/the deer horns, josh also needed to take this really big atlas back out to his pickup...so using reason and logic, i placed this huge atlas right next to the deer mount....i rationally believed josh would remember the deer horns, go to retrieve them from the livin room, see the atlas, and take both items w/him to work. well, the next mornin, i reminded him about the horns....he proceeded to walk across the room, STEP OVER the atlas, pick up the horns, and turn to leave.
WHAT?
"josh, what about the atlas? don't you need to take it, too?" "what atlas?" oh my gosh...i about fell over. "oh, yeah, thanks...i didn't see it." WHAT?!?!
i asked him to wait a minute while i tried to process what had just happened....i had this feelin that if i took a moment to fully comprehend what had just happened, my life and our marriage might be changed.
after a few questions, reality was revealed. he honestly did not see the atlas. i don't understand it...i don't know how he couldn't see it....but i believed him...his face wasn't lyin (and if you know josh, you know his face is a dead give away for the truth).... so somehow, it is in fact true that he simply does not notice things sometimes....the very things that i pick up on immediately when i walk through our house (dirty socks, stacks of clean clothes, dishes, trash, blankets, stuff....)...i'm not completely lettin him off the hook! he's confessed to a few occasions of intentionally not pickin somethin up just to irritate me....but in general, he simply does not notice the same things i do...and he's not at all concerned w/stuff lyin around....
realizing all of this widened my eyes and made me laugh out loud! when i tried to explain it to him...how obvious the atlas was...how i had deliberately placed it next to the deer so he would see it....he eventually saw the situation from my point of view, chuckled, and left as if nothin had happened. of course.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
hydrogen peroxide and funnies
well...it hasn't been quite a month since the last post...i've about decided i'm not gonna be able to swing the whole regular bloggin bit.
had a couple worthy game warden stories to share...
josh has officially experienced his first game warden-related injury, though it wasn't too bad. he and a few other wardens worked from dawn to dusk earlier this week tryin to catch enough fish for a big fish fry. (so...the game warden-related is a bit of a stretch...since he wasn't actually on duty). they jug-lined for over 130 catfish! if you don't know what jug-linin' is...well...it's a little more involved than a rod and reel. anyway, while josh was pullin one of the lines up, the fishin line sliced thru his finger. he was in a boat, on the middle of a lake, joined only by other very masculine men...so he figured wrappin a dirty rag around it secured w/a little duct tape would be sufficient.
side note: there's this thing that happens when you become a nurse...a thing that nurses joke about...and if you're close to one, you'll know what i'm talkin about.... one would think nurses would at all times display the utmost of sympathy and concern. well...that's not always how it happens. actually, most nurses tend to be pretty matter-of-fact and have tanks less than 1/4 full of pity.... that's not to say we don't get concerned about legitimate things, especially w/kiddos...but for full-grown adults? it takes a lot to invoke our sympathies.
so josh finally gets home around 8 or 8:30...we eat...we chit chat about our days...and then i ask him what's on his finger. he proceeds to tell me the story. probably a more naturally sympathetic wife would have insisted on a trip to the er and would have driven him herself. but that didn't happen here. we took off the nastiness referred to as the bandage and cleaned it as best we could. had he been home when this happened, a trip to the dr would have probably been justified...and stitches would probably have been in order. but at 9 at nite, the cut definitely did not warrant a trip to the er.....so we cleaned it and wrapped it up and repeated this a few times the first 24 hrs...then i found some steri-strips and plastered them on there. i think he'll be fine :)
also this week (it's been an eventful one!), josh went over to a neighboring county to help another warden w/an elementary school program. they had the 'operation game thief' trailer w/them, which houses a variety of antlers and stuffed animals and skins from confiscated game that were hunted illegally. the kids were all 4th graders, and josh came back w/some of the funniest stories!!
josh: can anyone tell me what kinds of birds these are?
kids: chickens! turkeys! peacocks! eagles!.....quail!
josh: that's right. they're quail. now can anyone tell me what kind of quail?
kids: boy quail!
josh: (smilin...not quite expectin a gender-specific answer) that's right, too. now can you tell me what kind of boy quail they are?
kids:.... ..... ..... (prolonged silence as they all squinted their little eyes and cocked their heads to the side).... ..... ........ ............ (then finally....) mohawk quail?!
josh: laughin
note: quail have fuzzy feathers on top of their heads that, indeed, look like mohawks :)
josh: can anyone tell me what kid of bird this is?
kids: turkey!
josh: that's right! can you tell me if it's a boy turkey or a girl turkey?
kid: that's a boy turkey!
josh: that's right. how do you know it's a boy turkey?
kid: 'cuz he's got chest hair (pointin to the turkey's beard)
josh: laughin....again
there were several stations at this program, and the game warden station was just one of them. inside this trailer were all the animals....and beneath or beside each animal/skin was a plaque explaining the story behind the animal. thus far, not one kid had seemed to pick up on this readily available information.
there were several stations at this program, and the game warden station was just one of them. also, at each station, the teachers would give the kids monopoly money for questions they answered correctly. one group came thru, and there was this little girl w/pig-tails, holdin a whole wad of monopoly cash.... so josh asked question after question, and each time, this little girl knew the right answer. over and over again....and her stack of money kept growin..... after it was all said and done, she came up to josh and confessed:
"you really shouldn't have given me all this money. all those questions you asked? i just read the information on the wall to get the right answer."
i think she deserved all that money for bein the only one smart enough to read the plaques!
they had a lot of fun....just laughed and laughed tellin me the stories :)
he's at a meeting the next couple days, so i'm gonna clean house and try to crank out some homework.
had a couple worthy game warden stories to share...
josh has officially experienced his first game warden-related injury, though it wasn't too bad. he and a few other wardens worked from dawn to dusk earlier this week tryin to catch enough fish for a big fish fry. (so...the game warden-related is a bit of a stretch...since he wasn't actually on duty). they jug-lined for over 130 catfish! if you don't know what jug-linin' is...well...it's a little more involved than a rod and reel. anyway, while josh was pullin one of the lines up, the fishin line sliced thru his finger. he was in a boat, on the middle of a lake, joined only by other very masculine men...so he figured wrappin a dirty rag around it secured w/a little duct tape would be sufficient.
side note: there's this thing that happens when you become a nurse...a thing that nurses joke about...and if you're close to one, you'll know what i'm talkin about.... one would think nurses would at all times display the utmost of sympathy and concern. well...that's not always how it happens. actually, most nurses tend to be pretty matter-of-fact and have tanks less than 1/4 full of pity.... that's not to say we don't get concerned about legitimate things, especially w/kiddos...but for full-grown adults? it takes a lot to invoke our sympathies.
so josh finally gets home around 8 or 8:30...we eat...we chit chat about our days...and then i ask him what's on his finger. he proceeds to tell me the story. probably a more naturally sympathetic wife would have insisted on a trip to the er and would have driven him herself. but that didn't happen here. we took off the nastiness referred to as the bandage and cleaned it as best we could. had he been home when this happened, a trip to the dr would have probably been justified...and stitches would probably have been in order. but at 9 at nite, the cut definitely did not warrant a trip to the er.....so we cleaned it and wrapped it up and repeated this a few times the first 24 hrs...then i found some steri-strips and plastered them on there. i think he'll be fine :)
also this week (it's been an eventful one!), josh went over to a neighboring county to help another warden w/an elementary school program. they had the 'operation game thief' trailer w/them, which houses a variety of antlers and stuffed animals and skins from confiscated game that were hunted illegally. the kids were all 4th graders, and josh came back w/some of the funniest stories!!
josh: can anyone tell me what kinds of birds these are?
kids: chickens! turkeys! peacocks! eagles!.....quail!
josh: that's right. they're quail. now can anyone tell me what kind of quail?
kids: boy quail!
josh: (smilin...not quite expectin a gender-specific answer) that's right, too. now can you tell me what kind of boy quail they are?
kids:.... ..... ..... (prolonged silence as they all squinted their little eyes and cocked their heads to the side).... ..... ........ ............ (then finally....) mohawk quail?!
josh: laughin
note: quail have fuzzy feathers on top of their heads that, indeed, look like mohawks :)
josh: can anyone tell me what kid of bird this is?
kids: turkey!
josh: that's right! can you tell me if it's a boy turkey or a girl turkey?
kid: that's a boy turkey!
josh: that's right. how do you know it's a boy turkey?
kid: 'cuz he's got chest hair (pointin to the turkey's beard)
josh: laughin....again
there were several stations at this program, and the game warden station was just one of them. inside this trailer were all the animals....and beneath or beside each animal/skin was a plaque explaining the story behind the animal. thus far, not one kid had seemed to pick up on this readily available information.
there were several stations at this program, and the game warden station was just one of them. also, at each station, the teachers would give the kids monopoly money for questions they answered correctly. one group came thru, and there was this little girl w/pig-tails, holdin a whole wad of monopoly cash.... so josh asked question after question, and each time, this little girl knew the right answer. over and over again....and her stack of money kept growin..... after it was all said and done, she came up to josh and confessed:
"you really shouldn't have given me all this money. all those questions you asked? i just read the information on the wall to get the right answer."
i think she deserved all that money for bein the only one smart enough to read the plaques!
they had a lot of fun....just laughed and laughed tellin me the stories :)
he's at a meeting the next couple days, so i'm gonna clean house and try to crank out some homework.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
tid-bits
this is my attempt to blog more often....
pippin caught us a lizard the other day. great cat. he caught it in the house. better great cat. also, yuck!
josh is workin hard....and lovin it. game wardenin' is a pretty non-scheduled job. just in these first few months, he seems to be either super busy or not busy at all. it's so unlike any other job i've experienced....the first 2ish weeks of this month, he was hardly home for more than a nap....things have slowed down....but this comin weekend is openin bow season for deer....so he'll work like crazy, and i'll hardly see him for probably 3-4 days.
i function better when i'm on a set schedule. predictability, to-do lists, productivity. needless to say, bein a game warden is not that :) but it's very josh, and that's the best part.
i'm still pluggin away at school. lots of readin, lots of research, lots of writin....and i'm learnin so much. learnin a lot of things i didn't even know needed to be learned!
hmmm....what else? attemptin to join the ranks of those who use coupons to save some serious money on groceries....but that's been a slow and rather feeble effort thus far. .... also tryin to learn how to compost....again, slow and feeble....and also kinda buggy. i should probably stop there, as this list is quickly regressing....
thank you for readin....for those of you who faithfully comment, thank you...for your attention and your prayers....for those of you who don't comment, thank you for stickin w/us....
pippin caught us a lizard the other day. great cat. he caught it in the house. better great cat. also, yuck!
josh is workin hard....and lovin it. game wardenin' is a pretty non-scheduled job. just in these first few months, he seems to be either super busy or not busy at all. it's so unlike any other job i've experienced....the first 2ish weeks of this month, he was hardly home for more than a nap....things have slowed down....but this comin weekend is openin bow season for deer....so he'll work like crazy, and i'll hardly see him for probably 3-4 days.
i function better when i'm on a set schedule. predictability, to-do lists, productivity. needless to say, bein a game warden is not that :) but it's very josh, and that's the best part.
i'm still pluggin away at school. lots of readin, lots of research, lots of writin....and i'm learnin so much. learnin a lot of things i didn't even know needed to be learned!
hmmm....what else? attemptin to join the ranks of those who use coupons to save some serious money on groceries....but that's been a slow and rather feeble effort thus far. .... also tryin to learn how to compost....again, slow and feeble....and also kinda buggy. i should probably stop there, as this list is quickly regressing....
thank you for readin....for those of you who faithfully comment, thank you...for your attention and your prayers....for those of you who don't comment, thank you for stickin w/us....
Sunday, September 13, 2009
reviews and reminders
a number of potentially blog-worthy happenings have occurred lately....josh's first openin huntin season...the unexpected challenges of grad school...mama, grandma, and my precious niece comin down to visit for a couple days...maybe even a couple projects to report on, such as findin new josh-acceptable-recipes or composting.... and maybe such topics will surface here sometime.
but today, we've found ourselves in the seemingly inescapable confusing sadness of longing for children....
shortly after josh graduated from the academy, we decided to try some hormone therapy suggested by the infertility specialist in lubbock. the bottom line: both of our bodies are okay but neither is workin well enough to make this happen on our own. so...josh's folks were more than generous in lettin us bunk w/them for several days as we went back and forth to the dr for ultrasounds and new orders. the regimen basically consisted of idealizing my insides in order to give us the best possible chance of conception: meds to ensure my hormones would work a little more quickly, meds to ensure my eggs responded in a healthy manner, meds to ensure i would ovulate in a timely fashion....pills, shots, ultrasounds...a few times over.
we waited. we tried not to let our hopes soar thru the clouds...and yet, the further along we went, the more encouraging the nurse became...there was a decreasing amt of evidence to suggest the treatment wouldn't work. we laughed and joked and let ourselves dream again...unlike we'd had the stomach for in several months.
and then the day came for the actual pregnancy test.....
somehow, it didn't work. no one knows why, of course. there's only so much monitoring that can be done.... they monitored and controlled as much as could be monitored and controlled....
we were so disappointed. not devastated. devastation implies surprise....an element of the unexpected. if for no other reason than the longevity of this journey, we couldn't simply ignore the idea of the treatment not workin...so we weren't devastated. but disappointed for sure. we cried. i sat in josh's lap a lot. we kept doin what we knew to do - wake up, do whatever it is we had planned for the day, eat a couple meals, have normal conversation w/family, go to sleep. there wasn't a thing to say.... to each other, to ourselves, to family and friends. not a thing.
for just a couple weeks (before the pregnancy test), we had a bit of reprieve. a break from the weight and the ache and frustration....from the awkwardness of conversation....from the inevitable shruggin of shoulders toward the end of such conversations....for just a little while, we breathed the fresh air of new hope....dared to stand on our wobbly legs....w/new earth beneath our feet....delight. it was a delightful time.
and then that soft earth crumbled beneath us....the air grew heavy once again...and we found ourselves in the familiar streams of longing unfulfilled.
and yet, the world doesn't stop. our friends keep havin babies....others findin out they're pregnant for the first time...or the third.... it seems awful when the first reaction to such news is a twisting of our hearts...a wrestlin match b/w rejoicing w/them, bein glad for them and runnin head long into confusion, all kinds of self-righteousness, even envy....
again, we find ourselves in a place of wordlessness....afterall, what's left to say?
we hesitate to write so honestly here....readin stuff on the computer can be so one-dimensional...neither the writer nor the reader's time allows for all the disclaimers and further explanations to ensure miscommunication doesn't occur...and we don't write to gain pity....
but we write. i think maybe we need to write.....b/c we're not as near to some of you as we would like to be...to those of you who want to know what's really goin on...to those of you who have remained loving and faithful.
so that’s where we are...on a practical note, i think we'll probably try the treatment again...but as my strong and tender hearted husband suggested, we need to give our hearts a chance to recover before strappin in again....
but today, we've found ourselves in the seemingly inescapable confusing sadness of longing for children....
shortly after josh graduated from the academy, we decided to try some hormone therapy suggested by the infertility specialist in lubbock. the bottom line: both of our bodies are okay but neither is workin well enough to make this happen on our own. so...josh's folks were more than generous in lettin us bunk w/them for several days as we went back and forth to the dr for ultrasounds and new orders. the regimen basically consisted of idealizing my insides in order to give us the best possible chance of conception: meds to ensure my hormones would work a little more quickly, meds to ensure my eggs responded in a healthy manner, meds to ensure i would ovulate in a timely fashion....pills, shots, ultrasounds...a few times over.
we waited. we tried not to let our hopes soar thru the clouds...and yet, the further along we went, the more encouraging the nurse became...there was a decreasing amt of evidence to suggest the treatment wouldn't work. we laughed and joked and let ourselves dream again...unlike we'd had the stomach for in several months.
and then the day came for the actual pregnancy test.....
somehow, it didn't work. no one knows why, of course. there's only so much monitoring that can be done.... they monitored and controlled as much as could be monitored and controlled....
we were so disappointed. not devastated. devastation implies surprise....an element of the unexpected. if for no other reason than the longevity of this journey, we couldn't simply ignore the idea of the treatment not workin...so we weren't devastated. but disappointed for sure. we cried. i sat in josh's lap a lot. we kept doin what we knew to do - wake up, do whatever it is we had planned for the day, eat a couple meals, have normal conversation w/family, go to sleep. there wasn't a thing to say.... to each other, to ourselves, to family and friends. not a thing.
for just a couple weeks (before the pregnancy test), we had a bit of reprieve. a break from the weight and the ache and frustration....from the awkwardness of conversation....from the inevitable shruggin of shoulders toward the end of such conversations....for just a little while, we breathed the fresh air of new hope....dared to stand on our wobbly legs....w/new earth beneath our feet....delight. it was a delightful time.
and then that soft earth crumbled beneath us....the air grew heavy once again...and we found ourselves in the familiar streams of longing unfulfilled.
and yet, the world doesn't stop. our friends keep havin babies....others findin out they're pregnant for the first time...or the third.... it seems awful when the first reaction to such news is a twisting of our hearts...a wrestlin match b/w rejoicing w/them, bein glad for them and runnin head long into confusion, all kinds of self-righteousness, even envy....
again, we find ourselves in a place of wordlessness....afterall, what's left to say?
we hesitate to write so honestly here....readin stuff on the computer can be so one-dimensional...neither the writer nor the reader's time allows for all the disclaimers and further explanations to ensure miscommunication doesn't occur...and we don't write to gain pity....
but we write. i think maybe we need to write.....b/c we're not as near to some of you as we would like to be...to those of you who want to know what's really goin on...to those of you who have remained loving and faithful.
so that’s where we are...on a practical note, i think we'll probably try the treatment again...but as my strong and tender hearted husband suggested, we need to give our hearts a chance to recover before strappin in again....
Sunday, August 23, 2009
summer begins to wind down
though neither of us is in school, we somehow managed to pull off a pretty nice summer break. josh had shoulder surgery the first week in july and continues to recover pretty well. we have an appt w/the dr this week, and we're hopin he'll release josh to go back to work! in light of his surgery, month-long inability to drive, and follow-up appointments, i delayed startin a new job...i'm plannin on turnin in an application at the hospital here in seymour this week... but all in all, we've had several weeks here of no work for either of us. we've rested and played and laughed and had a chance to reconnect after seven months apart. we're grateful...
the past couple months, we've spent an unusual amt of time on the road....almost entirely b/w seymour and lubbock or seymour and amarillo....though it's been tiring, we've been able to spend quite a bit of time w/our families, which has been good. lots of laughs, a couple projects, and plenty of piddlin around.... we also took a quick vacation to....drum roll, please...las vegas. yep...we ventured west for a couple days to be overwhelmed w/the sheer amt of over-stimulation....people, noise, lights...as josh said, everything's for sale in vegas. we had fun, though....saw some neat things and laughed a whole lot.
i also just found out i've been accepted into grad school at midwestern state university over in wichita falls. i'll be studyin to become a nurse practitioner. it was really late notice, so i'm scramblin to get things together in order to start in a couple days.... after adjustin a bit to the news, i told josh, w/some eagerness in my voice, "i love school!"
we're gettin to know seymour...little by little. as i recently wrote to some friends - the weather's hot, the pace is slow, and the people are wonderful. it's been dreadfully hot and dry here this summer, as we take our place among the many in texas suffering from drought. the pace is refreshingly slow....livin in a small town, you lose a lot of convenience...but i'm pretty sure convenience isn't all it's cracked up to be. and the people really are wonderful. they've been warm and sincere and friendly....folks in small towns innately take care of each other, and josh and i have been fortunate to be on the receiving end of that.
we've decided to go the methodist church here in town...the first chance we had to go was just a couple weeks after josh's surgery, so we were movin a little more slowly than normal. well, we ended up bein pretty late...really late, actually....we tried to sneak in and sit toward the back w/o drawin much attention to ourselves. then suddenly, right in the middle of the service, our sweet landlord stands up in the choir loft and announces, "i have a joy! i think i just saw josh and lindsey walk in. they're our new game wardens!" all of our sneaky efforts blasted out of the water..... the next week, we still couldn't manage to get to church on time....but we were only about 5 minutes late, so we thought we were safe....nope...this time, our landlord was the lay leader...so again, though not as far into the service, he announces (and in doin so, interrupts himself) our arrival. needless to say, we have not been late since then.... this mornin, when he stood up in the choir loft and began, "i have a joy," we both stared straight ahead thinkin, "but we were here on time!" and then breathed a sigh of relief when the folks he mentioned were not us....
so there you have it....w/the best of intentions, i'm hopin we can blog more regularly...now that we're livin together again and have internet access...now that we're not livin on the road or w/our parents....now that we're finally settlin into life in seymour....
the past couple months, we've spent an unusual amt of time on the road....almost entirely b/w seymour and lubbock or seymour and amarillo....though it's been tiring, we've been able to spend quite a bit of time w/our families, which has been good. lots of laughs, a couple projects, and plenty of piddlin around.... we also took a quick vacation to....drum roll, please...las vegas. yep...we ventured west for a couple days to be overwhelmed w/the sheer amt of over-stimulation....people, noise, lights...as josh said, everything's for sale in vegas. we had fun, though....saw some neat things and laughed a whole lot.
i also just found out i've been accepted into grad school at midwestern state university over in wichita falls. i'll be studyin to become a nurse practitioner. it was really late notice, so i'm scramblin to get things together in order to start in a couple days.... after adjustin a bit to the news, i told josh, w/some eagerness in my voice, "i love school!"
we're gettin to know seymour...little by little. as i recently wrote to some friends - the weather's hot, the pace is slow, and the people are wonderful. it's been dreadfully hot and dry here this summer, as we take our place among the many in texas suffering from drought. the pace is refreshingly slow....livin in a small town, you lose a lot of convenience...but i'm pretty sure convenience isn't all it's cracked up to be. and the people really are wonderful. they've been warm and sincere and friendly....folks in small towns innately take care of each other, and josh and i have been fortunate to be on the receiving end of that.
we've decided to go the methodist church here in town...the first chance we had to go was just a couple weeks after josh's surgery, so we were movin a little more slowly than normal. well, we ended up bein pretty late...really late, actually....we tried to sneak in and sit toward the back w/o drawin much attention to ourselves. then suddenly, right in the middle of the service, our sweet landlord stands up in the choir loft and announces, "i have a joy! i think i just saw josh and lindsey walk in. they're our new game wardens!" all of our sneaky efforts blasted out of the water..... the next week, we still couldn't manage to get to church on time....but we were only about 5 minutes late, so we thought we were safe....nope...this time, our landlord was the lay leader...so again, though not as far into the service, he announces (and in doin so, interrupts himself) our arrival. needless to say, we have not been late since then.... this mornin, when he stood up in the choir loft and began, "i have a joy," we both stared straight ahead thinkin, "but we were here on time!" and then breathed a sigh of relief when the folks he mentioned were not us....
so there you have it....w/the best of intentions, i'm hopin we can blog more regularly...now that we're livin together again and have internet access...now that we're not livin on the road or w/our parents....now that we're finally settlin into life in seymour....
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