Popsicles and Oil Changes...

Before I start, this is Josh.  I tend to write a little different than my wife.  I am not articulate, or grammatically correct.  I tend to place commas at random, and all the while it reads perfect to me.  So please be patient, and realize my gifts are with my hands not my words (as is lens' gift.)

So onto the excitement. I have been really sick the last couple of days so I haven't gone to work.  Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I am a slacker.  So I was feeling a little better yesterday so we decided we would start this whole process of talking to some people to get the ball rolling on the whole adoption thing.  So lens called a lawyer and an agency and scheduled times for us to go and meet with them.  Sounded like a great idea, hear both options in one afternoon......so we thought.

I can't even begin to tell you the difference in feelings that were produced during these two meetings.  We were at the agency for about one and a half hours, and at the lawyers for about an hour.  Neither one felt horribly wrong, or distinctly better than the other, just different.  To me it was the difference between popsicles and oil changes.  In other words, two opposite ends of a very good spectrum.  Neither end being worse or better than the other.  Both ends provided options for great situations.  Situations that could allow me to be a.......daddy.

Unfortunately it would have made us feel better if we could have walked into one situation and felt creepy or horrible.  That would help us along with a decision.  But this is a process after all.  I was wanting it to be like choosing a tool, or a gun....do your research and go feel them out and just do it.  Well.....not quite that easy.  Lens compared the two meeting to buying a car, and going to the lot and one salesman showing you a car, and the other one showing you a truck.  Both are good, just so very different.

For lack of space and time, I won't go into very specific details.  The agency we met with is called Special Delivery Adoptions.  Some of the things we liked:  They have a fixed preset price (no matter what happens), they were really nice and sweet, they really care to look after the birthmother.  Some of the things we didn't like:  Expensive (or at least in our terms), this agency didn't have a lot of experience (only 11 placements so far), and they require that you go to church and sign a statement of faith (for those of you that know me, this was a negative for me).

The lawyer we met with was really nice and didn't come across as a lawyer (no offense minnie, i love you).  He was reassuring and straight forward.  Some of the things we liked:  It is more affordable, allows more contact with the birth mother, and just less confusing trails of "who meets who" and "who tells who", it would allow us to choose the birth mother.  Some of the things we didn't like:  It requires us to find that mother (with me being gone, that scares me), it could put us at risk to fraud from someone who wants to take advantage of us.

Well, my wrists are about to fall off, I am so glad that you all are reading along with us.  I will get on later and write some about being a Warden.  Till then....

intro II: adoption

the following is an excerpt from an email i sent my dear friend shasta. after readin it, josh thought this would be a good way to start the blog. so here it is...

"josh has been really thinkin about it for a while...probably longer than even i know. i've...thought about it off and on but not very seriously. a few days ago, i was goin thru the routine i've had for 3 years now: wake up, go to the bathroom, take my temperature. the monotony of my mornins has grown so blah...."droning" is the word that comes to mind (if that's even a real word). on this particular mornin, i took my temperature, read the result, realized i was startin to get moody....and just decided i was tired of doin all of this. not simply annoyed....nor thrown into the depths of impending despair....just deeply, drainingly tired. and done. when i took that breath, feelin so heavily how tired i was/am, the words "i'm done" streamed through me like cool water runnin over your hands. i can't say it felt like glorious surrender....but it didn't feel like suffocating resignation. just this place reached....i took a breath, looked around, and realized/decided i couldn't keep walkin down this dusty road. .... i was pretty w/drawn for a couple days. and then on sunday, i hardly spoke at all. the tears were fillin up every pore of my person. i resisted sayin anything to josh all day....b/c it wasn't news. ya know? our unsatisfied longings were what they have been for 3 years. but finally, i grew weary of even this. so i finally leaned into josh's chest and told him....and cried. so we sat down....me in my grief...and josh (strangely) w/such a look of relief and .... even...anticipation, of joy.... i think he's been ready for some time, ready to look at adoption - not as a way of giving up, but as a way of finding our children in different places other than our bodies. i think he's been very patient and kind and tender w/me.....while his heart maybe reached this place months ago. but it wasn't a place he could pull me into. i think he knew this. so he waited. and here we are....openin the door into this sacred place b/w us, a place we've only invited a couple people....openin it to our families, our friends...to the world. it's frightening. and feels weird. but it also feels good and true and relieving. freeing maybe.

and it's hard. deciding we'll pursue adoption feels like we're conceding...like we're givin up... for 3 years, the waves of longing have been small and huge and deep and wide...but always w/these crests of expectancy. it's only been this week that a sort of grief has set in. maybe not a permanent grief, but a sorrow for now...for our inadequacy today....for the hopes deferred for this time . . . so i write w/a new smile, a new vision forming....and a new depth of sadness and longing.......over and under it all, though, is the Anchor of Hope Who holds w/in the veil."

we hope this blog allows folks to journey w/us...and to encourage those who may be travelling similiar roads.

introduction

josh has a facebook. i have myspace. we've decided that together, we'll have a blogspot. this way, everyone is satisfied, right? neither of us has to cross over to the other side...AND...a blogspot is a more easily accessible avenue for non-cyberspace commuters. so here we are.

our choice to join this ever-increasing gathering has been two-fold: in three weeks, josh will be movin south for the texas game warden academy, and we thought this would be an efficient way to keep lots of people updated during his 8 months away; and we've decided to walk the road of adoption.

let's tackle the first.... the academy is about 8ish months long. josh will be livin near hamilton, tx, which is about 6ish hours away from here. he'll be livin w/50+ other people and havin a blast. he gets to learn all sorts of stuff about wildlife law...play w/guns...ride in boats...and know, experientially, what it's like to have pepper spray in one's sinus cavities. seriously, who wouldn't want to know that? when he can, josh will post updates and pictures from his adventures...and i'll try to keep regular updates comin on his stories.

for those of you who don't care for terribly long blogs, i warn you now: i'm wordy. but w/that in mind, i'll close this post for now...and tell yall about adoption next time. (what a cliff-hanger, huh?!!)