deep breath

it's the second day of the new year...and i'm feelin a bit pressured to post some sort of "new year's resolution" thing. though if you were to ask me, i couldn't tell you the direction from which this ambiguous pressure is comin. par for the course, i suppose.

honestly, i'm not big on such resolutions. seriously - who do you know that's stuck to one? yeah, me neither. i've been thinkin a little differently the past few days...not so much about resolutions but anticipations (if that word can be used as a noun). when the thought first occurred to me, my rxn was "oh this will be great! how creative of me. i'll have a top 10 things i'm lookin forward to in 2009." now that january 2nd is almost over, my list is far from meeting the number ten. over and over, there have only been a couple of anticipations that have resounded in me...
- june 11
- becoming a little person's mama and daddy

josh graduates from the academy on june 10...so the very next day might be my most anticipated calendar date. as the academy continues to unfold, and as josh and i venture out into a new life come june, there will be countless adjustments and changes and newness-es...but i don't know what any of that will look like, so i can't include any of that in my list. though i'm not pregnant...and though there hasn't been much rubber-meets-the-adoption-road happenings....we're so hoping 2009 will be the year we become parents.

i have a dear friend who talks about the value of 'delayed gratification'...how it teaches us the importance of patience and perspective...and helps us to more honestly appreciate that which we have waited for. -- there was a time in our marriage when gettin pregnant and havin a baby would have wrought turmoil for us....when all that came w/a baby was scary and messy and inconvenient. one of the most deterring things we heard was "you won't ever get to sleep in." when we heard those words and felt the shockwaves of recognition, we knew we weren't willing to be parents at that point. now, i'm not entirely naive :). i know even havin a baby now will be messy and inconvenient, both in ways i cannot imagine. and it's still very frightening to think of the permanency and risk innate in children. but as our currently sought after gratification is bein delayed, i can tell you most assuredly - it will be worth it. we want the sleepless nites....the chaos...the missing shoes...the financial adjustments...the endless loads of laundry...we ache for the frustrations of scheduling and meals and whose turn it will be to change the diaper...we joyfully look forward to those moments that still time itself....all the expected firsts, the laughin and playin and sweet sleepin and games and picures....and those times that seem too sacred to even type tonite. all of it...we're longing for all of it.

i hope (dare i say anticipate????) 2009 to be a year of new dreams . . .