remnant

though it requires constant effort, i prefer tidiness. i prefer clothes and dishes and decorations and bills to be in their place. towels folded neatly, cleanin supplies organized. since josh has been gone, i've cleaned up and organized 2 closets and the garage...both of which were josh's domain prior to the academy. it's...therapeutic for me to engage in such activities.

opposites most surely attract.

my preference for tidiness and josh's personal indifference have been a source of tension b/w us, as you can well imagine. however, after bein married almost 6 years, we are slowly learnin how to adjust such tendancies for the sake of the other's sanity (mine) or liberty (his). bottom line - stray shoes and strewn clothes only annoy me now (rather than enrage me)...and josh's tidiness effort has increased significantly.

now that we have such physical distance b/w us, my compulsion to keep the house picked up goes out the window when we comes home. w/what little time we have together, i've realized i need and want to spend time w/him rather than expeding my time and energy keepin stuff in its place.

josh came home this weekend.....kind of a kamakazi trip, really...he didn't get home until midnight friday and had to be back on the road by noon today (sunday). but our time was relaxed and sweet. we had no plans to fulfill or hard conversations to have...we just slept and laughed and watched a movie and caught up a little.

he's gone again...and this time apart continues to realign and restructure my perspective...

when josh came home, there was a huge pile of green wrappin paper on the coach. he asked me, "what was in that?" it did indeed look like a huge present had been unwrapped. but my answer? "morgan." our sweet, beautiful little 4 year old friend was at the house the other nite...and as green is her most favorite color, i couldn't help but let her unroll what was left of some christmas wrappin paper and play w/it. that was 4 days ago. and the paper's still on the couch.

now that i have all the time in the world, i find myself not wantin to get the house in tip-top shape....b/c that would mean i'd have to put josh's boots in his closet and his hat on the hat rack. the small pile of clothes he left behind would have to be put away, and the pillow he slept on would have to be moved. and the green wrappin paper would find its way to the trash.

havin this remnant around helps comfort me a little. that may be weird...but oh well. the house doesn't feel quite so empty w/josh's towel hangin up in the bathroom. -- probably when all is said and done and we're back to livin under the same roof again, the stray shoes and dirty socks will once again annoy me....but maybe not. b/c now i can see that such things are evidence of josh bein here, feelin comfortable and at home...and havin a tidy house is definitely not worth the cost of him bein gone.