no good title

i've been thinkin about this blog for over a month....at various times over the last few weeks, i've had the perfect layout for the story....but i always hesitated to write...then the story would change, so my idea for writin about it would change accordingly...

the design was roughly somethin like this....

part I: no-man's land...and i'd write a little about how josh and i were hardly even talkin about the baby thing anymore....not b/c anything had happened....actually, that's precisely why there wasn't anything to say - nothin had happened. the further we got from the failed fertility treatment of the summer, the more futile another attempt felt. when we thought of adoption, we still had so many reservations...the inherent risk in it all, can we love a baby that doesn't come from us, moral opposition to the cost of bringing a family together thru an adoption agency, etc...

part II: the phone call....this happened on the afternoon of new year's eve...i was at work when i got a call...a call that stopped my heart and brought tears to my eyes...a call that changed everything.... one of those friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend things...there was a young woman, pregnant, able to see ahead and determine she would be unable to care for her child after the birth, and wanted josh and i to adopt her baby come june... it was one of those fall-in-your-lap kinda deals. the kind you just can't quite call a coincidence.

part III: the meeting....the first time we met this brave woman was at the dr's office...just a few minutes prior to the sonogram she invited us into...we ended up spendin the better part of the day w/her and her family...the sonogram revealed the baby would be born a sweet little boy...the dr's appt assured us that everything was healthy and normal...lunch afterward should have been incredibly awkward, but as we all sat around chatting, it was remarkably comfortable... we left to come back home and knew in our hearts (though our mouths were hesitant to give voice to them immediately) that this is what we wanted... all along, we've said that if adoption was what we needed to do, there was an ideal situation...and so many of those hopes were met in this woman, her family, and their intentions....

...then all remaining blogs would be about the Glory of it all...the tears and the peace we shared...the anxiety that seemed to be comforted over and over again..... everything from the gift it would be to become parents w/in just a couple weeks of our dear friends becoming parents as well (our little boy and the merrills' little boy growin up together....)...and havin to re-arrange our house to fit a baby (after nearly 7 yrs of marriage, we've accumulated an embarrassing amt of stuff)...and walkin thru wal-mart one afternoon and realizin that passin by the baby stuff didn't hurt anymore.... and the nuts and bolts of the legal side of things, conversations w/the lawyer and such...our blog would finally be fulfilling its purpose...

but given the tone of the blog thus far, i'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that this week has brought a significant change of events....

long story short, the baby's birthfather has been notified, and he's stated that he has no intentions of relinquishing his rights. in the state of texas, both biological parents have rights to the child...

as i sit here this evenin, there seem to be a hundred more things to say.... like how our next step is to talk to the lawyer to see what his counsel is....or the foolishness i feel for becoming so quickly invested in this obviously unpredictable situation...the questions we have, which are endless it seems...the storm of emotion that has accompanied this potential ending to the fairytale...my cynicism is stirred, thinkin of the things people say around times like this, things about "meant to be" and usually when we say things like that, it's b/c we don't have answers for really crappy things, really hard questions...but i know folks mean well, and i know i'm just hurting...

when my tears seemed to have run out, i find myself almost chucklin, thinkin "you have got to be kiddin me. really? 5 1/2 yrs of tryin when so many others have unintentional and unwanted pregnancies...doctors who say 'we don't know what's wrong. for all practical purposes, this should work' only to be followed by a failed treatment...and now a seemingly ideal adoption situation on the brink of failure? really?" sometimes i can't believe this is our life...

sometimes i find the difference b/w surrender and numb a little foggy....and it's times like this when i want to say w/red "hope is a dangerous thing"