the day has come

about 10 this mornin, our hearts stopped and stomachs fell. we got the text: "hey - i'm in the hospital."

a few days ago, the plan was for us to be there for the birth....according to the agency, "you'll have the baby as if you had given birth." a dream come true. all those things you hear and read about bonding and the importance of those first few minutes and hours...some of the things that seem too good to be true in adoption were actually gonna happen!

but last nite, the birthmother and i were textin back and forth, and she changed her mind - not about the whole thing, but about those first 48 hrs. (48 is the new magic number around here...she can't sign her relinquishment papers until at least 48hrs after the birth). she told me she wants to be alone with the baby those first 2 days.

yes - all those things you're wonderin....do we feel _______, or are we afraid of __________. yes. probably to anything you can fill into those blanks. i cried. we went to bed. while josh was snorin, i was readin "calvin and hobbs" so that i wouldn't sob myself to sleep.

the house somehow turned into a wreck the past few days, so i figured i'd busy myself w/pickin up and cleanin today. i was just gettin started when we heard the phone and read the text. but in light of last nite's texted conversation, we didn't know what to do. do we grab the bag and head to the hospital? do we wait for the birthmother to tell us what she wants? do we ask her? do we risk goin and makin the whole thing worse? do we stay here, riskin her interpreting our physical distance as emotional distance...as if we're not invested, concerned.... turned inside out?

josh called the agency. they told him no one from the agency would be at the hospital until the 48hrs arrived. very politely, josh responded, "i'm not goin down there and gettin in the middle of this by myself. it's yall's job to work this out." so they contacted the social worker who said she'd be at the hospital first thing tomorrow mornin.

so here we are....swingin from tears to disbelief....brushin past hope and trembling as we go.

the plan at the moment is to go to the hospital tomorrow.

oh - we just got another text. she's dilated to a 5