breathe....just breathe...

our trip to the dr's office went well. the baby's doin great....birthmom's doin well. she's gettin pretty good and miserable at this point, as all of you who have been pregnant know happens at this stage in the game.

mama and i sat w/her and her mom in the waitin room about a good hr and a half...then she and i had about 4 1/2 min w/the dr. typical, i suppose. afterward, we all went and ate lunch together, along w/her older sister and my grandma. it was quite a mix of people. except for the birthmother and me, everyone else at the table was or had been a public school teacher, so they all had plenty to talk about. the birthmother ate a big, fat chicken fried steak, which we loved! hopefully this baby will have her appetite :) and then we all went to the boutique where the birthmom works. if you know me, you know i'm not a boutique kinda gal...so i was by far the most uncomfortable one. mama and grandma loved it, though, and the birthmother was totally in her element there. it was good to see her so relaxed and enjoyin herself. she introduced us to her boss, who seemed sweet. when went to shake hands w/her, she loudly proclaimed, "oh, no, honey. that won't do!" as she swarmed in for a hug. we looked around for a good while before sayin our goodbyes and thank yous and gettin back on the road.

it was a really good trip.

and it was a needed trip, i think. a couple weeks ago, the birthmother began talkin to us a little about the questions and looks she's gettin from other people - you know, the folks who don't agree w/her decision to place the baby for adoption. i told her there were very few people who understood her situation....and a whole lot of people who are just flat nosey! so in light of her strugglin some, we felt it was really important to go see her again....to keep us and this situation real and personable.

she hasn't talked about changin her mind....but she's strugglin w/the weight of the decision. now...before you start to panic :), let me explain how we see all of this. of course it makes us nervous to know she's strugglin and has people (however peripheral) questionin her decisions...BUT we'd MUCH rather she think about these things and wrestle through some of these things NOW as opposed to 24hrs after the birth...when she's exhausted and hormonally spinnin. afterall, she SHOULD be feelin the weight of what's comin up. it's normal and healthy and necessary. so as best we can, we try to give her the space to talk about as much as she needs to....we don't overreact or freak out....we just give her room. each time i've found myself in this type of conversation w/her and given her the space to feel whatever she's feelin , we eventually end up talkin about the baby and the adoption and all the cute stuff fillin our house in anticipation of that sweet baby's arrival. so it's good....scary, but good. and in light of such conversations, goin to see her was important.

it's a crazy thing we're in here, ya know? even to sit and tell yall about what's been goin on gets my heart pumpin a little faster. there's this part of us that can't seem to not think about the inherent risk....the fact that the birthmother can change her mind. knowin that so much of what our life is becomin could absolutely fall apart.... so i find myself sayin, "well, we're tryin not to put all our eggs in one basket." but...and it's a big but.... we're too far in at this point. we can't not hope and plan and talk and dream and laugh. and it's not so much the diapers and the wipes and the clothes...any baby will need those things....but our hearts are set.

i've read lots of things - articles, stories from adoptive parents, advice from professional counselors, suggestions from the agency - that you can't completely emotionally invest before it's final. it's not wise or healthy or fair. after all, the baby's not yours, so you can't start plannin your life (emotionally or physically) as if she is. but i just don't know how not to do that. not really. not way down deep. i can say it in casual conversation....but when i'm sittin in this rockin chair next to a box of diapers and a coupon for boudreaux's butt paste, just almost able to feel that sweet baby's breath against my cheek....or when i find myself wantin to make our home as warm and quiet as possible, w/o intentionally choosin to think about such things....i just don't know how to turn it off.

when women are pregnant, there are abundant risks involved....but most, especially after those first few weeks, don't look back. family and friends and doctors and magazines don't tell pregnant women to reign in their mothering hearts in case somethin unforeseen happens. they don't tell them to keep livin as if their entire worlds aren't fixin to be rocked. they encourage and exhort them to prepare their hearts and homes and lives. that's b/c it's natural and necessary. but adoption is different...it's a pretty unnatural situation that stirs up all sorts of natural longings. and the things necessary to know and get ready for when you're pregnant are the same things necessary to know and get ready for when you're adoptin. but the obvious differences don't come w/obvious answers. it's easy to say "don't become emotionally connected to the unborn baby you hope to adopt." it's seems reasonable and protective. but it's not a simple thing to do.

while in the boutique a few days ago, i whispered to mama, "i think i like that purse. but mama, i hate purses. what's happenin to me?" she smiled gently, knowingly and said, "you're becomin a mom."

purse or no purse (hopin for the latter!)...somethin's been growin and changin in me for years...and it's surfaced more since august....my heart's transformin to love a child...i don't think that's somethin i can put the brakes on.