i just realized it's been more than a month since our last post...and what a month it has been! we've packed our house and moved 98% of our personal belongings into a storage building. the house is officially sold. i can now be counted among those twenty-somethings that move back in w/their folks. and josh is trudgin thru the last few weeks of the academy.
honestly, i could write an entire blog about any one of the above happenings...but for this evenin, i just wanted to touch base...to see if i can get back in the swing of things. kinda like my new-found efforts to get a little more excercise.... had grand intentions of runnin and gettin a full-blown work out this afternoon...well, after wakin up from my post-work nap, i managed a 22 minute, moderately-paced, inclined walk on the treadmill. not exactly what i was shootin for, but at least i did a little.... so this blog, rather than bein a good couple mile run will most likely be a 20 minute inclined walk :)
academy briefing - just a hair over 2 months until that blessed day of june 9th! josh has completed his evoc training (not sure if that's how you spell it)...that's the training they go thru to teach them how to manuever their pickups at pretty high speeds. also, for any of you in the bigger cities, particularly around austin, there's a chance you might see him on the news this week...i think they're havin a big ground-breaking ceremony for all the work they're fixin to do at the academy to turn it into a top of the line facility. too bad josh was one of the scrubs stuck there before any of that :).
adoption briefing - really the only thing to report is that i finally made an appt w/the dr in lubbock. shortly after our last post, i realized the month of march would be full of packing and house stuff....so rather than stress about crammin in an important dr's appt, we opted to wait until house stuff was in the rear-view mirror. anyway...i go see this dr at the end of april. guess we'll go from there.
and that's really about it....unless, of course, it's worth mentioning amarillo has experienced a blizzard and a short-lived dust storm in the last 10 days...and i'm a bit anxious about what this weekend will bring :)
oh! this weekend! this comin sunday is our 6th anniversary....for those of you who wondered w/us whether we'd make it this far....here we are....and more in love than we've ever been.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
catch up
there seem to be two somewhat distinct fronts in our life right now: the academy and adoption. about every other day, i think of somethin i would consider blog-worthy...but i have difficulty deciding b/w the fronts....why a decision has to be made, i don't know. it's entirely arbitrary.
today is no different.
various happenings have occurred on both fronts the past few weeks...so here's a brief run-down:
just a few days more than 3 months, and the academy will be over! it's beginning to grind in both of us.... the first few weeks of this were so traumatic...then we had christmas break...then january was the "this sucks, but we can do it" month...februrary turned into a month of frustration and hundreds of decisions to keep on keepin on... it's just flat out hard. we're beginnin to catch glimpses of some of the struggle that will be waitin for us come june - right now, josh is livin in hamilton, and in his free time, does what he wants to do....i'm livin at home and more or less doin what i want to do....neither of us has to consult the other for any kind of shared decision w/daily stuff.....that's pretty much a recipe for tension when we are actually livin together again. completely do-able...just startin to stir up the dust a little when we get together on the weekends.
josh brought his friend royce home again this weekend....he came home w/josh a few weeks ago. in light of the paragraph above, it should go w/o sayin that josh and i butted heads a little the past couple days.... i told royce he's now an official friend since he's been around for some josh and lindsey tension! (there are a few of yall readin this that are probably laughin out loud...and i appreciate that.)
more academy-related news.... we've sold our house. such a relief! we don't know where we'll be goin come june, but there's almost no chance we'll get to stay in this house...my folks were a huge help in the informal advertising...and we have a contract on the table now. woo-hoo! -- and that also means that i'm startin to pack a little. boo-hoo :(
on the adoption end of things.... we've been readin up on a few more adoption agencies....we're hopin to get together w/a couple agencies in lubbock in the new few weeks... we recently learned more about the tax credit that's available to adoptive parents...the credit is substantial, so it could make goin thru an agency much more financially feasible. -- i'm also gonna go see an infertility specialist in lubbock (date pending).... so far, all the tests done and blood drawn basically say "more or less normal"....but still no pregnancy....so all we've gone thru has been inconclusive at best. my ob/gyn suggested i go see this guy in lubbock for just one or two more tests that should be more definitive.
i don't deal well w/loose ends....unresolved anything is difficult for me to manage/handle/know what to do with. so although we've decided to pursue adoption, there's been a hitch in the back of my mind (or heart?)....a hitch that slows me down when it comes to diving into the world of adoption...a hitch that's holdin out for the chance to surprise josh one weekend w/the most wonderful news of our lives..... if i go to this infertility guy, and he gives me conclusive information, a definitive diagnosis explaining that i won't be able to conceive and carry a baby....i'll be crushed. the tears fillin my eyes now won't compare to those that will stream at such news.... but at least i'll know. at least we'll be able to stop holdin out...at least the hitch will finally let loose, and we can give ourselves fully to adoption.
that's our world right now....the grind of the academy and separation...the weight of our longings for a baby.... and around and around we go . . .
pretty good chance march/april will be eventful months, so i'll try to get a little better at postin and keepin yall up to date....
today is no different.
various happenings have occurred on both fronts the past few weeks...so here's a brief run-down:
just a few days more than 3 months, and the academy will be over! it's beginning to grind in both of us.... the first few weeks of this were so traumatic...then we had christmas break...then january was the "this sucks, but we can do it" month...februrary turned into a month of frustration and hundreds of decisions to keep on keepin on... it's just flat out hard. we're beginnin to catch glimpses of some of the struggle that will be waitin for us come june - right now, josh is livin in hamilton, and in his free time, does what he wants to do....i'm livin at home and more or less doin what i want to do....neither of us has to consult the other for any kind of shared decision w/daily stuff.....that's pretty much a recipe for tension when we are actually livin together again. completely do-able...just startin to stir up the dust a little when we get together on the weekends.
josh brought his friend royce home again this weekend....he came home w/josh a few weeks ago. in light of the paragraph above, it should go w/o sayin that josh and i butted heads a little the past couple days.... i told royce he's now an official friend since he's been around for some josh and lindsey tension! (there are a few of yall readin this that are probably laughin out loud...and i appreciate that.)
more academy-related news.... we've sold our house. such a relief! we don't know where we'll be goin come june, but there's almost no chance we'll get to stay in this house...my folks were a huge help in the informal advertising...and we have a contract on the table now. woo-hoo! -- and that also means that i'm startin to pack a little. boo-hoo :(
on the adoption end of things.... we've been readin up on a few more adoption agencies....we're hopin to get together w/a couple agencies in lubbock in the new few weeks... we recently learned more about the tax credit that's available to adoptive parents...the credit is substantial, so it could make goin thru an agency much more financially feasible. -- i'm also gonna go see an infertility specialist in lubbock (date pending).... so far, all the tests done and blood drawn basically say "more or less normal"....but still no pregnancy....so all we've gone thru has been inconclusive at best. my ob/gyn suggested i go see this guy in lubbock for just one or two more tests that should be more definitive.
i don't deal well w/loose ends....unresolved anything is difficult for me to manage/handle/know what to do with. so although we've decided to pursue adoption, there's been a hitch in the back of my mind (or heart?)....a hitch that slows me down when it comes to diving into the world of adoption...a hitch that's holdin out for the chance to surprise josh one weekend w/the most wonderful news of our lives..... if i go to this infertility guy, and he gives me conclusive information, a definitive diagnosis explaining that i won't be able to conceive and carry a baby....i'll be crushed. the tears fillin my eyes now won't compare to those that will stream at such news.... but at least i'll know. at least we'll be able to stop holdin out...at least the hitch will finally let loose, and we can give ourselves fully to adoption.
that's our world right now....the grind of the academy and separation...the weight of our longings for a baby.... and around and around we go . . .
pretty good chance march/april will be eventful months, so i'll try to get a little better at postin and keepin yall up to date....
Monday, February 9, 2009
Liquid Hell
This is Josh, if you don't alread know. If you keep reading my grammatical mistakes will probably give me away. I should warn you I can't promise to keep my up coming story free of creative words.
This last week has been the one of the hardest weeks of my life. I am learning so much and just as much mental stuff as emotional stuff. Just how to control my emotions and my thoughts, and my "brain power" (what little there is). Me and lens are not enjoying being apart, it is much harder than I thought. But here we are about half way.
My week: Monday we got to shoot all day, very good day. Tuesday was incedibly hard, we had to get certified to handcuff people....tremedously tedious. Wednesday......OH WENDNESDAY...
Wednesday we got shot with OC spray. Oleoresin Capsicum as it is scientifically known, liquid hell to anyone who has ever been sprayed with it. It in an all natural spray that is made from the juices of peppers that are grown in hell. So they make this stuff and put in a pressurized container and spray it in peoples eyes to obtain compliance through pain. So being a peace officer that will have to carry OC we have to get sprayed with it to determine the effects for ourselves and also to know how long we can react if it gets in our eyes. So one at a time they take us into a field (while everyone else gets to watch) and we have to stand there and take a shot of this orange liquid in the forehead and eyes. Then we have to run over to a punching bag and hit it for a couple of seconds, then run and pick up a gun and follow a man that is running side to side while hollaring directions at him. Doesn't sound that hard, or at least that is what I thought.
So I see a couple of other guys taking shots in the face and I start to get worried. I decide I better go next or I might not go at all. So I step up and stick out my chest and suck in my gut. Close my eyes and shut my mouth then this cold liquid hits me in the face. I open my eyes and go run to the bag, hit it a couple of times, then run to the gun and pick it up and follow the LT around yelling at him. Not too bad so far. Then my partner escorts me to the water. Still not that bad (about 30 seconds after impact). I then stick my head in a bucket of water and when it comes out.....pain beyond reason. You are physically incapable of opening your eyes, and it feels like someone cut the top of your face and is activley peeling you skin from your skull while pouring battery acid on it at the same time.
I had thought this whole thing was going to be bad, but never anything to this extent. So I utter a few choice words, the commence to try to keep washing while trying to keep breathing. It is so bad that there were several times when i really thought that I might not make it through all of this. I wanted to lay down and die. I was like f*ck this....game wardens can keep it and I just want my eye balls back. Mean while your nose just lets go. I had snot from my nose all the way to the ground in one continous stream (yuck I know you should have been there).
Not only is my eyes burning but my whole face and ears and hands. 20 mins go by and I can finally open my eyes to see the world. I can tell you I have never been so excited to have my sight back. I really didn't think it was possible for a human to be able to see after something like that. The SHU was 2,000,000. Next time you are on the net looking up SHU you will see how damn hot this stuff was.
Thats all. I am sorry I don't have a really cool anology like my wife, which was pretty impressive. But OC day is behind me and I couldn't be happier. Feels like a huge step in our journey to game wardeness.
Oh yeah, everything subsides in about 50 mins. Then you go take a shower that night and the water and steam reactivate it all over again. Like I have heard before, I wish I could find the guy that decided to put something like that in a bottle and spray it in someones eyes and when I found him I would kick him in the...... shin
This last week has been the one of the hardest weeks of my life. I am learning so much and just as much mental stuff as emotional stuff. Just how to control my emotions and my thoughts, and my "brain power" (what little there is). Me and lens are not enjoying being apart, it is much harder than I thought. But here we are about half way.
My week: Monday we got to shoot all day, very good day. Tuesday was incedibly hard, we had to get certified to handcuff people....tremedously tedious. Wednesday......OH WENDNESDAY...
Wednesday we got shot with OC spray. Oleoresin Capsicum as it is scientifically known, liquid hell to anyone who has ever been sprayed with it. It in an all natural spray that is made from the juices of peppers that are grown in hell. So they make this stuff and put in a pressurized container and spray it in peoples eyes to obtain compliance through pain. So being a peace officer that will have to carry OC we have to get sprayed with it to determine the effects for ourselves and also to know how long we can react if it gets in our eyes. So one at a time they take us into a field (while everyone else gets to watch) and we have to stand there and take a shot of this orange liquid in the forehead and eyes. Then we have to run over to a punching bag and hit it for a couple of seconds, then run and pick up a gun and follow a man that is running side to side while hollaring directions at him. Doesn't sound that hard, or at least that is what I thought.
So I see a couple of other guys taking shots in the face and I start to get worried. I decide I better go next or I might not go at all. So I step up and stick out my chest and suck in my gut. Close my eyes and shut my mouth then this cold liquid hits me in the face. I open my eyes and go run to the bag, hit it a couple of times, then run to the gun and pick it up and follow the LT around yelling at him. Not too bad so far. Then my partner escorts me to the water. Still not that bad (about 30 seconds after impact). I then stick my head in a bucket of water and when it comes out.....pain beyond reason. You are physically incapable of opening your eyes, and it feels like someone cut the top of your face and is activley peeling you skin from your skull while pouring battery acid on it at the same time.
I had thought this whole thing was going to be bad, but never anything to this extent. So I utter a few choice words, the commence to try to keep washing while trying to keep breathing. It is so bad that there were several times when i really thought that I might not make it through all of this. I wanted to lay down and die. I was like f*ck this....game wardens can keep it and I just want my eye balls back. Mean while your nose just lets go. I had snot from my nose all the way to the ground in one continous stream (yuck I know you should have been there).
Not only is my eyes burning but my whole face and ears and hands. 20 mins go by and I can finally open my eyes to see the world. I can tell you I have never been so excited to have my sight back. I really didn't think it was possible for a human to be able to see after something like that. The SHU was 2,000,000. Next time you are on the net looking up SHU you will see how damn hot this stuff was.
Thats all. I am sorry I don't have a really cool anology like my wife, which was pretty impressive. But OC day is behind me and I couldn't be happier. Feels like a huge step in our journey to game wardeness.
Oh yeah, everything subsides in about 50 mins. Then you go take a shower that night and the water and steam reactivate it all over again. Like I have heard before, I wish I could find the guy that decided to put something like that in a bottle and spray it in someones eyes and when I found him I would kick him in the...... shin
Friday, February 6, 2009
halfway
it's friday nite...josh is on his way home...and i'm tryin to will myself away from the addictiveness of facebook (my latest venture). so i thought i'd see if writin a blog would facilitate me removin myself from this chair...
we've been really fortunate the last few weeks, as josh has been able to come home every weekend since christmas. he's carpooled w/dalhart (there's a guy from dalhart, but i have no idea how to spell his name, so i just call him 'dalhart') a few times and brought his fried royce ilsie home. we've piddled and played and watched movies and just enjoyed bein near each other...i don't think either of us are gettin used to this separation, which is good, i think. we're a week away from the seemingly pivotal half-way mark.
ya know...there's somethin about gettin to that place...or rather, takin one step on the other side of half-way. momentum seems to pick up a little...and a vague sense of downhill motion eases the mind. it's not all easy breathin this side of it, though. - i'm reminded of the last time josh and i went backpackin.
we went to colorado and started in. after a long day's work, we settled for the evenin in this quiet valley. our plans were to wake up the next day, take a day trip up to 'the window' and come back. judgin by where we thought we were on the map, we thought the endeavor would be about 4ish miles roundtrip...so we took a little food, some water, and headed out leisurely. we climbed and clamored and clamored and climbed...to the point of nearly exhausting ourselves...and this was all before we even reached the summit of 'the window' itself. i distinctly remember reachin this place...past the trees and shadows of the timber...into a sort of clearing...the grass was short, and there were little sprigs of mountain flowers all over the place...stones, from the size of pebbles to boulders, were scattered around....and up ahead, i saw the formation known as 'the window.' it was remarkable...adventurously inviting...and daunting.
i was beginnin to feel physically ill from the exhaustion...nauseated, trembly, foggy-headed...i was spent. or so i thought....w/'the window' w/in shoutin distance, we couldn't stop. we couldn't turn around. we had to go on...we had to. have you ever felt this way before? and that last 150-200 yards was the hardest length of the trip. i'd put my head down, take a deep breath, steady my respirations, and take as many steps as i could before almost fallin down....then i'd pause, stand up straight, look at the peak, fill my lungs w/thrilling mountain air, then duck my head and go a little farther. over and over i did this....until i finally made it. i think josh had to physically help me up the last few steps.... and we stood there. together. arms around each other. feelin like we were on top of the world....hands tremblin, legs shakin, hearts poundin...and the pure joy of that moment seemed to halt the spinning of the earth.
and then we had to head back downhill.
the downhill trek was still work...my whole person was so tired...but it was a different kind of tired than comin up. it was a worthwhile tired...a fulfilled exhaustion.... this stillness inside that rested, "we went all the way. it was so hard, and we kept goin till there wasn't any place left to go."
and yet...the hardest part of that day was the 150-200 yards just before the peak....that last little bit before we were half-way finished. and that's kinda how we feel right now, i think. after next weekend, we can reasonably say "we're almost there." if we can just keep goin...just keep on keepin on (like some of my dear friends would say), we'll get to graduation and a new version of our life together. but now...the past couple weeks...i think we've both fought the urge to give up...to throw in the towel, feelin like the messiness of these 7 months isn't worth what we can't see. fortunately, we haven't both had days like that at the same time....
amazingly enough, though, we're really doin okay. this continues to be difficult and frustrating, and honestly, it just flat-out sucks. but we're okay. appreciation is ever-lengthening in us...gratitude growing for how far we've come together....and deep rivers of love are holding us strongly and tenderly.
sidenote: what we thought was gonna be 4ish miles roundtrip turned into 4-5 miles oneway....so after about 9 miles and several hours, we stumbled into camp and crashed.
we've been really fortunate the last few weeks, as josh has been able to come home every weekend since christmas. he's carpooled w/dalhart (there's a guy from dalhart, but i have no idea how to spell his name, so i just call him 'dalhart') a few times and brought his fried royce ilsie home. we've piddled and played and watched movies and just enjoyed bein near each other...i don't think either of us are gettin used to this separation, which is good, i think. we're a week away from the seemingly pivotal half-way mark.
ya know...there's somethin about gettin to that place...or rather, takin one step on the other side of half-way. momentum seems to pick up a little...and a vague sense of downhill motion eases the mind. it's not all easy breathin this side of it, though. - i'm reminded of the last time josh and i went backpackin.
we went to colorado and started in. after a long day's work, we settled for the evenin in this quiet valley. our plans were to wake up the next day, take a day trip up to 'the window' and come back. judgin by where we thought we were on the map, we thought the endeavor would be about 4ish miles roundtrip...so we took a little food, some water, and headed out leisurely. we climbed and clamored and clamored and climbed...to the point of nearly exhausting ourselves...and this was all before we even reached the summit of 'the window' itself. i distinctly remember reachin this place...past the trees and shadows of the timber...into a sort of clearing...the grass was short, and there were little sprigs of mountain flowers all over the place...stones, from the size of pebbles to boulders, were scattered around....and up ahead, i saw the formation known as 'the window.' it was remarkable...adventurously inviting...and daunting.
i was beginnin to feel physically ill from the exhaustion...nauseated, trembly, foggy-headed...i was spent. or so i thought....w/'the window' w/in shoutin distance, we couldn't stop. we couldn't turn around. we had to go on...we had to. have you ever felt this way before? and that last 150-200 yards was the hardest length of the trip. i'd put my head down, take a deep breath, steady my respirations, and take as many steps as i could before almost fallin down....then i'd pause, stand up straight, look at the peak, fill my lungs w/thrilling mountain air, then duck my head and go a little farther. over and over i did this....until i finally made it. i think josh had to physically help me up the last few steps.... and we stood there. together. arms around each other. feelin like we were on top of the world....hands tremblin, legs shakin, hearts poundin...and the pure joy of that moment seemed to halt the spinning of the earth.
and then we had to head back downhill.
the downhill trek was still work...my whole person was so tired...but it was a different kind of tired than comin up. it was a worthwhile tired...a fulfilled exhaustion.... this stillness inside that rested, "we went all the way. it was so hard, and we kept goin till there wasn't any place left to go."
and yet...the hardest part of that day was the 150-200 yards just before the peak....that last little bit before we were half-way finished. and that's kinda how we feel right now, i think. after next weekend, we can reasonably say "we're almost there." if we can just keep goin...just keep on keepin on (like some of my dear friends would say), we'll get to graduation and a new version of our life together. but now...the past couple weeks...i think we've both fought the urge to give up...to throw in the towel, feelin like the messiness of these 7 months isn't worth what we can't see. fortunately, we haven't both had days like that at the same time....
amazingly enough, though, we're really doin okay. this continues to be difficult and frustrating, and honestly, it just flat-out sucks. but we're okay. appreciation is ever-lengthening in us...gratitude growing for how far we've come together....and deep rivers of love are holding us strongly and tenderly.
sidenote: what we thought was gonna be 4ish miles roundtrip turned into 4-5 miles oneway....so after about 9 miles and several hours, we stumbled into camp and crashed.
Monday, January 26, 2009
nada
not feelin very creative tonite...no funny stories to tell...or adoption-related revelations to share. just feelin a bit disconnected from the blog, so i'm attempting to re-establish our relationship.
josh is sick. i'm finally well. go figure.
it's really cold here in bushland. drove to town a little while ago, and a thin layer of ice actually formed on my windshield after gettin onto i-40. whatever cold fronts blow thru here usually hit hamilton by the next day. i don't know that it gets quite as cold there...but if you're one of the cadets runnin outside @ 6 in the mornin, below freezin is below freezin.
josh brought his friend royce home for the weekend. he's better known to yall as "ilsy" (in the picture w/josh on the coast @ dawn). i think they had a lot of fun. josh and daddy took him prairie dog huntin...and they were like three little boys at disney land. quite entertaining :). then sunday mornin, josh and royce met up w/jimmy and watched jimmy hunt birds w/his hawk vinny. haven't heard any crazy stories from that trip, but i'm sure it was exciting.
that's really about all for now. i'm gonna go wrap up in a blanket and read for a while.
josh is sick. i'm finally well. go figure.
it's really cold here in bushland. drove to town a little while ago, and a thin layer of ice actually formed on my windshield after gettin onto i-40. whatever cold fronts blow thru here usually hit hamilton by the next day. i don't know that it gets quite as cold there...but if you're one of the cadets runnin outside @ 6 in the mornin, below freezin is below freezin.
josh brought his friend royce home for the weekend. he's better known to yall as "ilsy" (in the picture w/josh on the coast @ dawn). i think they had a lot of fun. josh and daddy took him prairie dog huntin...and they were like three little boys at disney land. quite entertaining :). then sunday mornin, josh and royce met up w/jimmy and watched jimmy hunt birds w/his hawk vinny. haven't heard any crazy stories from that trip, but i'm sure it was exciting.
that's really about all for now. i'm gonna go wrap up in a blanket and read for a while.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
remnant
though it requires constant effort, i prefer tidiness. i prefer clothes and dishes and decorations and bills to be in their place. towels folded neatly, cleanin supplies organized. since josh has been gone, i've cleaned up and organized 2 closets and the garage...both of which were josh's domain prior to the academy. it's...therapeutic for me to engage in such activities.
opposites most surely attract.
my preference for tidiness and josh's personal indifference have been a source of tension b/w us, as you can well imagine. however, after bein married almost 6 years, we are slowly learnin how to adjust such tendancies for the sake of the other's sanity (mine) or liberty (his). bottom line - stray shoes and strewn clothes only annoy me now (rather than enrage me)...and josh's tidiness effort has increased significantly.
now that we have such physical distance b/w us, my compulsion to keep the house picked up goes out the window when we comes home. w/what little time we have together, i've realized i need and want to spend time w/him rather than expeding my time and energy keepin stuff in its place.
josh came home this weekend.....kind of a kamakazi trip, really...he didn't get home until midnight friday and had to be back on the road by noon today (sunday). but our time was relaxed and sweet. we had no plans to fulfill or hard conversations to have...we just slept and laughed and watched a movie and caught up a little.
he's gone again...and this time apart continues to realign and restructure my perspective...
when josh came home, there was a huge pile of green wrappin paper on the coach. he asked me, "what was in that?" it did indeed look like a huge present had been unwrapped. but my answer? "morgan." our sweet, beautiful little 4 year old friend was at the house the other nite...and as green is her most favorite color, i couldn't help but let her unroll what was left of some christmas wrappin paper and play w/it. that was 4 days ago. and the paper's still on the couch.
now that i have all the time in the world, i find myself not wantin to get the house in tip-top shape....b/c that would mean i'd have to put josh's boots in his closet and his hat on the hat rack. the small pile of clothes he left behind would have to be put away, and the pillow he slept on would have to be moved. and the green wrappin paper would find its way to the trash.
havin this remnant around helps comfort me a little. that may be weird...but oh well. the house doesn't feel quite so empty w/josh's towel hangin up in the bathroom. -- probably when all is said and done and we're back to livin under the same roof again, the stray shoes and dirty socks will once again annoy me....but maybe not. b/c now i can see that such things are evidence of josh bein here, feelin comfortable and at home...and havin a tidy house is definitely not worth the cost of him bein gone.
opposites most surely attract.
my preference for tidiness and josh's personal indifference have been a source of tension b/w us, as you can well imagine. however, after bein married almost 6 years, we are slowly learnin how to adjust such tendancies for the sake of the other's sanity (mine) or liberty (his). bottom line - stray shoes and strewn clothes only annoy me now (rather than enrage me)...and josh's tidiness effort has increased significantly.
now that we have such physical distance b/w us, my compulsion to keep the house picked up goes out the window when we comes home. w/what little time we have together, i've realized i need and want to spend time w/him rather than expeding my time and energy keepin stuff in its place.
josh came home this weekend.....kind of a kamakazi trip, really...he didn't get home until midnight friday and had to be back on the road by noon today (sunday). but our time was relaxed and sweet. we had no plans to fulfill or hard conversations to have...we just slept and laughed and watched a movie and caught up a little.
he's gone again...and this time apart continues to realign and restructure my perspective...
when josh came home, there was a huge pile of green wrappin paper on the coach. he asked me, "what was in that?" it did indeed look like a huge present had been unwrapped. but my answer? "morgan." our sweet, beautiful little 4 year old friend was at the house the other nite...and as green is her most favorite color, i couldn't help but let her unroll what was left of some christmas wrappin paper and play w/it. that was 4 days ago. and the paper's still on the couch.
now that i have all the time in the world, i find myself not wantin to get the house in tip-top shape....b/c that would mean i'd have to put josh's boots in his closet and his hat on the hat rack. the small pile of clothes he left behind would have to be put away, and the pillow he slept on would have to be moved. and the green wrappin paper would find its way to the trash.
havin this remnant around helps comfort me a little. that may be weird...but oh well. the house doesn't feel quite so empty w/josh's towel hangin up in the bathroom. -- probably when all is said and done and we're back to livin under the same roof again, the stray shoes and dirty socks will once again annoy me....but maybe not. b/c now i can see that such things are evidence of josh bein here, feelin comfortable and at home...and havin a tidy house is definitely not worth the cost of him bein gone.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
tough week
been a tough week for us...
i've been sick for over a week now. finally took a day off work to rest and recover. blah.
josh has been really stressed this week. i'm not real sure of all the details - mostly b/c such details require a moderate comprehension of the law enforcement vocabulary, which i haven't yet acquired. i do know that they're coverin a HUGE amt of material this week that challenges one's memorization skills. josh is studyin like crazy and workin hard...and feelin the pressure. he'll take the test on friday. WHEN he passes, he'll head this way so we can meet up for the weekend.
it's so easy to get frustrated and discouraged when pure exhaustion seems to be at the forefront. i'm hopin for some sleep and assurance for both of us.
i've been sick for over a week now. finally took a day off work to rest and recover. blah.
josh has been really stressed this week. i'm not real sure of all the details - mostly b/c such details require a moderate comprehension of the law enforcement vocabulary, which i haven't yet acquired. i do know that they're coverin a HUGE amt of material this week that challenges one's memorization skills. josh is studyin like crazy and workin hard...and feelin the pressure. he'll take the test on friday. WHEN he passes, he'll head this way so we can meet up for the weekend.
it's so easy to get frustrated and discouraged when pure exhaustion seems to be at the forefront. i'm hopin for some sleep and assurance for both of us.
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