after a rather significant week and a trip to abilene and back this weekend, i'm zapped....so i don't have much descriptive capacity this evenin. nonetheless, we have some news....
josh passed the tclos exam! woo-hoo!!!
he was also given his first duty assignment -- baylor county. it's just sw of wichita falls....the town we'll live in is seymore....and it just so happens this was our number one choice on the 'wish list.' i think we're pretty fortunate...
more to say, but i'm out of words tonite.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
the usual progress note
the past few days have been busy...the next few promise to be significant.
josh spent the last week in east texas, playin in the water, drivin boats, and eatin crawfish. they got back to the academy friday evenin, and he's spendin the weekend down there. he's got a big test comin up on wednesday, so he needed the weekend to study.
for any of you who know a nurse...or who were near to me about 3 years ago might be vaguely familiar w/the nclex. it's the state licensing exam required to become an rn. basically, a whole bunch of money, hundreds of hours studyin, years of strain on one's person and family...can all be spent in the name of nursing school....but if you don't pass the nclex, it was all for not. well, this test josh has comin up wednesday is the law enforcement equivelant. 'tclos' - though i'm not exactly sure what it stands for. anyway, all these guys at the academy can spend 6 months studyin, away from their families, pt-ing every morning, sharin bathrooms and bunks...and if they don't pass the tclos exam....sorry!
so josh will take this test on wednesday....he's understandably very nervous, but we have no doubt he'll do well. the next day, the cadets will be given their assignments...or duty stations...or station assignments....or whatever they're called....they'll be told the counties they've been assigned to. so in less than a week, we'll know where we're goin! for those of you who haven't heard, we already know we won't be stayin in the panhandle. we're sad to be leavin our families and friends....but like i told josh a couple weeks ago -- at this point, it's hard for me to care where we end up geographically, as long as we can be there together....
as is usual for my blogs....i gotta tell you a little about the academy stuff and a little about the baby stuff
about a week ago, i went to see the infertility specialist in lubbock. she wants to run a couple tests to see how things are workin in me.... blood's already been drawn...and this next week, i'll have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done. (i don't know how to give yall the link to find out more....). basically, it's a test to see if my tubes are open. seein as how we've never posted very detailed information about tests and such, i'll leave it at that for now :)
and that's about it....but i think that'll be more than enough to keep us occupied the next few days.
i'm afraid we haven't ever thanked yall....for keepin up w/us...for stayin connected...for offerin your prayers and encouragements and hopes....for wantin what's best. so thank you...though it's long overdue...and please know we appreciate you stickin w/us....
josh spent the last week in east texas, playin in the water, drivin boats, and eatin crawfish. they got back to the academy friday evenin, and he's spendin the weekend down there. he's got a big test comin up on wednesday, so he needed the weekend to study.
for any of you who know a nurse...or who were near to me about 3 years ago might be vaguely familiar w/the nclex. it's the state licensing exam required to become an rn. basically, a whole bunch of money, hundreds of hours studyin, years of strain on one's person and family...can all be spent in the name of nursing school....but if you don't pass the nclex, it was all for not. well, this test josh has comin up wednesday is the law enforcement equivelant. 'tclos' - though i'm not exactly sure what it stands for. anyway, all these guys at the academy can spend 6 months studyin, away from their families, pt-ing every morning, sharin bathrooms and bunks...and if they don't pass the tclos exam....sorry!
so josh will take this test on wednesday....he's understandably very nervous, but we have no doubt he'll do well. the next day, the cadets will be given their assignments...or duty stations...or station assignments....or whatever they're called....they'll be told the counties they've been assigned to. so in less than a week, we'll know where we're goin! for those of you who haven't heard, we already know we won't be stayin in the panhandle. we're sad to be leavin our families and friends....but like i told josh a couple weeks ago -- at this point, it's hard for me to care where we end up geographically, as long as we can be there together....
as is usual for my blogs....i gotta tell you a little about the academy stuff and a little about the baby stuff
about a week ago, i went to see the infertility specialist in lubbock. she wants to run a couple tests to see how things are workin in me.... blood's already been drawn...and this next week, i'll have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done. (i don't know how to give yall the link to find out more....). basically, it's a test to see if my tubes are open. seein as how we've never posted very detailed information about tests and such, i'll leave it at that for now :)
and that's about it....but i think that'll be more than enough to keep us occupied the next few days.
i'm afraid we haven't ever thanked yall....for keepin up w/us...for stayin connected...for offerin your prayers and encouragements and hopes....for wantin what's best. so thank you...though it's long overdue...and please know we appreciate you stickin w/us....
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Mr. McCrary's Thoughts
Picture of the whole group, I am in the back far left.
Me and Royce being all serious.
Yes, that is me, in my dads old wetsuit, scary!!!
Well, I guess that you can imagine that this is Josh by now. I have alot that I want to share with everyone. I find myself torn between writing about the academy, my wife, and my future baby. Maybe I will try to talk about all of them. The last couple of weeks have been absolutely crazy down here at the academy. We have done everything from swift water rescue to standardized field sobriety testing. I have some pictures from swift water that I will try to share with everyone. I have had a good time with the training lately but the weeks are getting longer and the loneliness of not having my wife is growing more intense every hour. As some of you know my dad made a surprise visit to the academy a couple of weeks ago. Let me lay out the scene for you. The Lt. Colonel Craig Hunter was talking to the whole class and all of a sudden says, "Hi Mokey." I froze as everyone turned around to look at the back. Although I already knew what stood at the back. I kept thinking, "who else could I know that is a game warden that is named Mokey?" I couldn't come up with another.....Yes it was my dad. It turned out to be a great experience. Dad addressed the class and stayed around for a little while to answer some questions. The next week dad returned to teach a class that he has taught for almost 20 years. SFST (standardized field sobriety testing) basically a class to be able to tell when someone is intoxicated. It entailed three days of classroom mixed with 25 wardens drinking to the point of intoxication and then all of us cadets testing these wardens to determine level of intoxication. Needless to say it was an interesting couple of days. For one I have never really discussed the whole drinking idea with my parents, and all of a sudden I am in the middle of multiple drunks with my father teaching me things that he has been doing for several decades. Every day that I am here at the academy I am learning more and more about the life that my father had that me and my sister new very little about. At the same time everyone that I talk to has nothing but deep respect for my father and all of the things he has done for game wardens. It is an interesting and very confounding thing to walk through on a daily basis. To look at people and think, "I think in some ways you knew him more than I did." I want to strive for my kids to know all of me all the time. Not that the way my father did it was wrong, just different.
Also most of you know that we sold our house. Actually, my wife did it all. She is an amazing woman and has taken on so much in my absence that I can't even begin to tell everyone what an amazing woman she is. All of this is so hard because I feel so strongly that there are certain things that I am required to provide to/for my wife and I feel totally incapable here in Hamilton. I find myself listening to my bunkmate Johnson talking to his little boy on the phone (although talking is a loose term for the gibberish they do, but still amazing) and I get kinda down in the fact that when I call my wife I don't have a son or daughter to talk to. I lay in bed at nights thinking, "maybe if we just hold out for a couple of more months we will get pregnate and it will be a little Josh or a little Lens." But at the same time I am terrified that if I keep doing that 20 years will pass by and me and lens will still be without a child to raise as our own. So the more I think about it the best decision that I could make it to go ahead and lay down my inability to provide a child and venture out onto the limb of adoption. It saddens me terribly to think of being "incapable" and I think this is a huge emotional hurdle that I am going to have to get past. But I want to be a daddy, and I want to see Lens hold her baby. This seems like a place that I would normally throw in a funny saying or something that would make me feel better, but I have nothing tonight. I am longing for a baby, I am longing for my wife, I am really ready to be done with this damn academy. I think of all of these things and I know how strongly I feel about them. And throughout my marriage I have learned that lindseys feelings and emotions (although not always on the surface) are so very intracate and delicate and deep. So, I know she is struggling and is hurting terribly for all of the same things and more. And Lindsey, I couldn't have picked a woman in this whole world that I would rather walk through all of this crap with other than you.
I am tired and have to be up early for ATV training.
Monday, April 6, 2009
oh the time
i just realized it's been more than a month since our last post...and what a month it has been! we've packed our house and moved 98% of our personal belongings into a storage building. the house is officially sold. i can now be counted among those twenty-somethings that move back in w/their folks. and josh is trudgin thru the last few weeks of the academy.
honestly, i could write an entire blog about any one of the above happenings...but for this evenin, i just wanted to touch base...to see if i can get back in the swing of things. kinda like my new-found efforts to get a little more excercise.... had grand intentions of runnin and gettin a full-blown work out this afternoon...well, after wakin up from my post-work nap, i managed a 22 minute, moderately-paced, inclined walk on the treadmill. not exactly what i was shootin for, but at least i did a little.... so this blog, rather than bein a good couple mile run will most likely be a 20 minute inclined walk :)
academy briefing - just a hair over 2 months until that blessed day of june 9th! josh has completed his evoc training (not sure if that's how you spell it)...that's the training they go thru to teach them how to manuever their pickups at pretty high speeds. also, for any of you in the bigger cities, particularly around austin, there's a chance you might see him on the news this week...i think they're havin a big ground-breaking ceremony for all the work they're fixin to do at the academy to turn it into a top of the line facility. too bad josh was one of the scrubs stuck there before any of that :).
adoption briefing - really the only thing to report is that i finally made an appt w/the dr in lubbock. shortly after our last post, i realized the month of march would be full of packing and house stuff....so rather than stress about crammin in an important dr's appt, we opted to wait until house stuff was in the rear-view mirror. anyway...i go see this dr at the end of april. guess we'll go from there.
and that's really about it....unless, of course, it's worth mentioning amarillo has experienced a blizzard and a short-lived dust storm in the last 10 days...and i'm a bit anxious about what this weekend will bring :)
oh! this weekend! this comin sunday is our 6th anniversary....for those of you who wondered w/us whether we'd make it this far....here we are....and more in love than we've ever been.
honestly, i could write an entire blog about any one of the above happenings...but for this evenin, i just wanted to touch base...to see if i can get back in the swing of things. kinda like my new-found efforts to get a little more excercise.... had grand intentions of runnin and gettin a full-blown work out this afternoon...well, after wakin up from my post-work nap, i managed a 22 minute, moderately-paced, inclined walk on the treadmill. not exactly what i was shootin for, but at least i did a little.... so this blog, rather than bein a good couple mile run will most likely be a 20 minute inclined walk :)
academy briefing - just a hair over 2 months until that blessed day of june 9th! josh has completed his evoc training (not sure if that's how you spell it)...that's the training they go thru to teach them how to manuever their pickups at pretty high speeds. also, for any of you in the bigger cities, particularly around austin, there's a chance you might see him on the news this week...i think they're havin a big ground-breaking ceremony for all the work they're fixin to do at the academy to turn it into a top of the line facility. too bad josh was one of the scrubs stuck there before any of that :).
adoption briefing - really the only thing to report is that i finally made an appt w/the dr in lubbock. shortly after our last post, i realized the month of march would be full of packing and house stuff....so rather than stress about crammin in an important dr's appt, we opted to wait until house stuff was in the rear-view mirror. anyway...i go see this dr at the end of april. guess we'll go from there.
and that's really about it....unless, of course, it's worth mentioning amarillo has experienced a blizzard and a short-lived dust storm in the last 10 days...and i'm a bit anxious about what this weekend will bring :)
oh! this weekend! this comin sunday is our 6th anniversary....for those of you who wondered w/us whether we'd make it this far....here we are....and more in love than we've ever been.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
catch up
there seem to be two somewhat distinct fronts in our life right now: the academy and adoption. about every other day, i think of somethin i would consider blog-worthy...but i have difficulty deciding b/w the fronts....why a decision has to be made, i don't know. it's entirely arbitrary.
today is no different.
various happenings have occurred on both fronts the past few weeks...so here's a brief run-down:
just a few days more than 3 months, and the academy will be over! it's beginning to grind in both of us.... the first few weeks of this were so traumatic...then we had christmas break...then january was the "this sucks, but we can do it" month...februrary turned into a month of frustration and hundreds of decisions to keep on keepin on... it's just flat out hard. we're beginnin to catch glimpses of some of the struggle that will be waitin for us come june - right now, josh is livin in hamilton, and in his free time, does what he wants to do....i'm livin at home and more or less doin what i want to do....neither of us has to consult the other for any kind of shared decision w/daily stuff.....that's pretty much a recipe for tension when we are actually livin together again. completely do-able...just startin to stir up the dust a little when we get together on the weekends.
josh brought his friend royce home again this weekend....he came home w/josh a few weeks ago. in light of the paragraph above, it should go w/o sayin that josh and i butted heads a little the past couple days.... i told royce he's now an official friend since he's been around for some josh and lindsey tension! (there are a few of yall readin this that are probably laughin out loud...and i appreciate that.)
more academy-related news.... we've sold our house. such a relief! we don't know where we'll be goin come june, but there's almost no chance we'll get to stay in this house...my folks were a huge help in the informal advertising...and we have a contract on the table now. woo-hoo! -- and that also means that i'm startin to pack a little. boo-hoo :(
on the adoption end of things.... we've been readin up on a few more adoption agencies....we're hopin to get together w/a couple agencies in lubbock in the new few weeks... we recently learned more about the tax credit that's available to adoptive parents...the credit is substantial, so it could make goin thru an agency much more financially feasible. -- i'm also gonna go see an infertility specialist in lubbock (date pending).... so far, all the tests done and blood drawn basically say "more or less normal"....but still no pregnancy....so all we've gone thru has been inconclusive at best. my ob/gyn suggested i go see this guy in lubbock for just one or two more tests that should be more definitive.
i don't deal well w/loose ends....unresolved anything is difficult for me to manage/handle/know what to do with. so although we've decided to pursue adoption, there's been a hitch in the back of my mind (or heart?)....a hitch that slows me down when it comes to diving into the world of adoption...a hitch that's holdin out for the chance to surprise josh one weekend w/the most wonderful news of our lives..... if i go to this infertility guy, and he gives me conclusive information, a definitive diagnosis explaining that i won't be able to conceive and carry a baby....i'll be crushed. the tears fillin my eyes now won't compare to those that will stream at such news.... but at least i'll know. at least we'll be able to stop holdin out...at least the hitch will finally let loose, and we can give ourselves fully to adoption.
that's our world right now....the grind of the academy and separation...the weight of our longings for a baby.... and around and around we go . . .
pretty good chance march/april will be eventful months, so i'll try to get a little better at postin and keepin yall up to date....
today is no different.
various happenings have occurred on both fronts the past few weeks...so here's a brief run-down:
just a few days more than 3 months, and the academy will be over! it's beginning to grind in both of us.... the first few weeks of this were so traumatic...then we had christmas break...then january was the "this sucks, but we can do it" month...februrary turned into a month of frustration and hundreds of decisions to keep on keepin on... it's just flat out hard. we're beginnin to catch glimpses of some of the struggle that will be waitin for us come june - right now, josh is livin in hamilton, and in his free time, does what he wants to do....i'm livin at home and more or less doin what i want to do....neither of us has to consult the other for any kind of shared decision w/daily stuff.....that's pretty much a recipe for tension when we are actually livin together again. completely do-able...just startin to stir up the dust a little when we get together on the weekends.
josh brought his friend royce home again this weekend....he came home w/josh a few weeks ago. in light of the paragraph above, it should go w/o sayin that josh and i butted heads a little the past couple days.... i told royce he's now an official friend since he's been around for some josh and lindsey tension! (there are a few of yall readin this that are probably laughin out loud...and i appreciate that.)
more academy-related news.... we've sold our house. such a relief! we don't know where we'll be goin come june, but there's almost no chance we'll get to stay in this house...my folks were a huge help in the informal advertising...and we have a contract on the table now. woo-hoo! -- and that also means that i'm startin to pack a little. boo-hoo :(
on the adoption end of things.... we've been readin up on a few more adoption agencies....we're hopin to get together w/a couple agencies in lubbock in the new few weeks... we recently learned more about the tax credit that's available to adoptive parents...the credit is substantial, so it could make goin thru an agency much more financially feasible. -- i'm also gonna go see an infertility specialist in lubbock (date pending).... so far, all the tests done and blood drawn basically say "more or less normal"....but still no pregnancy....so all we've gone thru has been inconclusive at best. my ob/gyn suggested i go see this guy in lubbock for just one or two more tests that should be more definitive.
i don't deal well w/loose ends....unresolved anything is difficult for me to manage/handle/know what to do with. so although we've decided to pursue adoption, there's been a hitch in the back of my mind (or heart?)....a hitch that slows me down when it comes to diving into the world of adoption...a hitch that's holdin out for the chance to surprise josh one weekend w/the most wonderful news of our lives..... if i go to this infertility guy, and he gives me conclusive information, a definitive diagnosis explaining that i won't be able to conceive and carry a baby....i'll be crushed. the tears fillin my eyes now won't compare to those that will stream at such news.... but at least i'll know. at least we'll be able to stop holdin out...at least the hitch will finally let loose, and we can give ourselves fully to adoption.
that's our world right now....the grind of the academy and separation...the weight of our longings for a baby.... and around and around we go . . .
pretty good chance march/april will be eventful months, so i'll try to get a little better at postin and keepin yall up to date....
Monday, February 9, 2009
Liquid Hell
This is Josh, if you don't alread know. If you keep reading my grammatical mistakes will probably give me away. I should warn you I can't promise to keep my up coming story free of creative words.
This last week has been the one of the hardest weeks of my life. I am learning so much and just as much mental stuff as emotional stuff. Just how to control my emotions and my thoughts, and my "brain power" (what little there is). Me and lens are not enjoying being apart, it is much harder than I thought. But here we are about half way.
My week: Monday we got to shoot all day, very good day. Tuesday was incedibly hard, we had to get certified to handcuff people....tremedously tedious. Wednesday......OH WENDNESDAY...
Wednesday we got shot with OC spray. Oleoresin Capsicum as it is scientifically known, liquid hell to anyone who has ever been sprayed with it. It in an all natural spray that is made from the juices of peppers that are grown in hell. So they make this stuff and put in a pressurized container and spray it in peoples eyes to obtain compliance through pain. So being a peace officer that will have to carry OC we have to get sprayed with it to determine the effects for ourselves and also to know how long we can react if it gets in our eyes. So one at a time they take us into a field (while everyone else gets to watch) and we have to stand there and take a shot of this orange liquid in the forehead and eyes. Then we have to run over to a punching bag and hit it for a couple of seconds, then run and pick up a gun and follow a man that is running side to side while hollaring directions at him. Doesn't sound that hard, or at least that is what I thought.
So I see a couple of other guys taking shots in the face and I start to get worried. I decide I better go next or I might not go at all. So I step up and stick out my chest and suck in my gut. Close my eyes and shut my mouth then this cold liquid hits me in the face. I open my eyes and go run to the bag, hit it a couple of times, then run to the gun and pick it up and follow the LT around yelling at him. Not too bad so far. Then my partner escorts me to the water. Still not that bad (about 30 seconds after impact). I then stick my head in a bucket of water and when it comes out.....pain beyond reason. You are physically incapable of opening your eyes, and it feels like someone cut the top of your face and is activley peeling you skin from your skull while pouring battery acid on it at the same time.
I had thought this whole thing was going to be bad, but never anything to this extent. So I utter a few choice words, the commence to try to keep washing while trying to keep breathing. It is so bad that there were several times when i really thought that I might not make it through all of this. I wanted to lay down and die. I was like f*ck this....game wardens can keep it and I just want my eye balls back. Mean while your nose just lets go. I had snot from my nose all the way to the ground in one continous stream (yuck I know you should have been there).
Not only is my eyes burning but my whole face and ears and hands. 20 mins go by and I can finally open my eyes to see the world. I can tell you I have never been so excited to have my sight back. I really didn't think it was possible for a human to be able to see after something like that. The SHU was 2,000,000. Next time you are on the net looking up SHU you will see how damn hot this stuff was.
Thats all. I am sorry I don't have a really cool anology like my wife, which was pretty impressive. But OC day is behind me and I couldn't be happier. Feels like a huge step in our journey to game wardeness.
Oh yeah, everything subsides in about 50 mins. Then you go take a shower that night and the water and steam reactivate it all over again. Like I have heard before, I wish I could find the guy that decided to put something like that in a bottle and spray it in someones eyes and when I found him I would kick him in the...... shin
This last week has been the one of the hardest weeks of my life. I am learning so much and just as much mental stuff as emotional stuff. Just how to control my emotions and my thoughts, and my "brain power" (what little there is). Me and lens are not enjoying being apart, it is much harder than I thought. But here we are about half way.
My week: Monday we got to shoot all day, very good day. Tuesday was incedibly hard, we had to get certified to handcuff people....tremedously tedious. Wednesday......OH WENDNESDAY...
Wednesday we got shot with OC spray. Oleoresin Capsicum as it is scientifically known, liquid hell to anyone who has ever been sprayed with it. It in an all natural spray that is made from the juices of peppers that are grown in hell. So they make this stuff and put in a pressurized container and spray it in peoples eyes to obtain compliance through pain. So being a peace officer that will have to carry OC we have to get sprayed with it to determine the effects for ourselves and also to know how long we can react if it gets in our eyes. So one at a time they take us into a field (while everyone else gets to watch) and we have to stand there and take a shot of this orange liquid in the forehead and eyes. Then we have to run over to a punching bag and hit it for a couple of seconds, then run and pick up a gun and follow a man that is running side to side while hollaring directions at him. Doesn't sound that hard, or at least that is what I thought.
So I see a couple of other guys taking shots in the face and I start to get worried. I decide I better go next or I might not go at all. So I step up and stick out my chest and suck in my gut. Close my eyes and shut my mouth then this cold liquid hits me in the face. I open my eyes and go run to the bag, hit it a couple of times, then run to the gun and pick it up and follow the LT around yelling at him. Not too bad so far. Then my partner escorts me to the water. Still not that bad (about 30 seconds after impact). I then stick my head in a bucket of water and when it comes out.....pain beyond reason. You are physically incapable of opening your eyes, and it feels like someone cut the top of your face and is activley peeling you skin from your skull while pouring battery acid on it at the same time.
I had thought this whole thing was going to be bad, but never anything to this extent. So I utter a few choice words, the commence to try to keep washing while trying to keep breathing. It is so bad that there were several times when i really thought that I might not make it through all of this. I wanted to lay down and die. I was like f*ck this....game wardens can keep it and I just want my eye balls back. Mean while your nose just lets go. I had snot from my nose all the way to the ground in one continous stream (yuck I know you should have been there).
Not only is my eyes burning but my whole face and ears and hands. 20 mins go by and I can finally open my eyes to see the world. I can tell you I have never been so excited to have my sight back. I really didn't think it was possible for a human to be able to see after something like that. The SHU was 2,000,000. Next time you are on the net looking up SHU you will see how damn hot this stuff was.
Thats all. I am sorry I don't have a really cool anology like my wife, which was pretty impressive. But OC day is behind me and I couldn't be happier. Feels like a huge step in our journey to game wardeness.
Oh yeah, everything subsides in about 50 mins. Then you go take a shower that night and the water and steam reactivate it all over again. Like I have heard before, I wish I could find the guy that decided to put something like that in a bottle and spray it in someones eyes and when I found him I would kick him in the...... shin
Friday, February 6, 2009
halfway
it's friday nite...josh is on his way home...and i'm tryin to will myself away from the addictiveness of facebook (my latest venture). so i thought i'd see if writin a blog would facilitate me removin myself from this chair...
we've been really fortunate the last few weeks, as josh has been able to come home every weekend since christmas. he's carpooled w/dalhart (there's a guy from dalhart, but i have no idea how to spell his name, so i just call him 'dalhart') a few times and brought his fried royce ilsie home. we've piddled and played and watched movies and just enjoyed bein near each other...i don't think either of us are gettin used to this separation, which is good, i think. we're a week away from the seemingly pivotal half-way mark.
ya know...there's somethin about gettin to that place...or rather, takin one step on the other side of half-way. momentum seems to pick up a little...and a vague sense of downhill motion eases the mind. it's not all easy breathin this side of it, though. - i'm reminded of the last time josh and i went backpackin.
we went to colorado and started in. after a long day's work, we settled for the evenin in this quiet valley. our plans were to wake up the next day, take a day trip up to 'the window' and come back. judgin by where we thought we were on the map, we thought the endeavor would be about 4ish miles roundtrip...so we took a little food, some water, and headed out leisurely. we climbed and clamored and clamored and climbed...to the point of nearly exhausting ourselves...and this was all before we even reached the summit of 'the window' itself. i distinctly remember reachin this place...past the trees and shadows of the timber...into a sort of clearing...the grass was short, and there were little sprigs of mountain flowers all over the place...stones, from the size of pebbles to boulders, were scattered around....and up ahead, i saw the formation known as 'the window.' it was remarkable...adventurously inviting...and daunting.
i was beginnin to feel physically ill from the exhaustion...nauseated, trembly, foggy-headed...i was spent. or so i thought....w/'the window' w/in shoutin distance, we couldn't stop. we couldn't turn around. we had to go on...we had to. have you ever felt this way before? and that last 150-200 yards was the hardest length of the trip. i'd put my head down, take a deep breath, steady my respirations, and take as many steps as i could before almost fallin down....then i'd pause, stand up straight, look at the peak, fill my lungs w/thrilling mountain air, then duck my head and go a little farther. over and over i did this....until i finally made it. i think josh had to physically help me up the last few steps.... and we stood there. together. arms around each other. feelin like we were on top of the world....hands tremblin, legs shakin, hearts poundin...and the pure joy of that moment seemed to halt the spinning of the earth.
and then we had to head back downhill.
the downhill trek was still work...my whole person was so tired...but it was a different kind of tired than comin up. it was a worthwhile tired...a fulfilled exhaustion.... this stillness inside that rested, "we went all the way. it was so hard, and we kept goin till there wasn't any place left to go."
and yet...the hardest part of that day was the 150-200 yards just before the peak....that last little bit before we were half-way finished. and that's kinda how we feel right now, i think. after next weekend, we can reasonably say "we're almost there." if we can just keep goin...just keep on keepin on (like some of my dear friends would say), we'll get to graduation and a new version of our life together. but now...the past couple weeks...i think we've both fought the urge to give up...to throw in the towel, feelin like the messiness of these 7 months isn't worth what we can't see. fortunately, we haven't both had days like that at the same time....
amazingly enough, though, we're really doin okay. this continues to be difficult and frustrating, and honestly, it just flat-out sucks. but we're okay. appreciation is ever-lengthening in us...gratitude growing for how far we've come together....and deep rivers of love are holding us strongly and tenderly.
sidenote: what we thought was gonna be 4ish miles roundtrip turned into 4-5 miles oneway....so after about 9 miles and several hours, we stumbled into camp and crashed.
we've been really fortunate the last few weeks, as josh has been able to come home every weekend since christmas. he's carpooled w/dalhart (there's a guy from dalhart, but i have no idea how to spell his name, so i just call him 'dalhart') a few times and brought his fried royce ilsie home. we've piddled and played and watched movies and just enjoyed bein near each other...i don't think either of us are gettin used to this separation, which is good, i think. we're a week away from the seemingly pivotal half-way mark.
ya know...there's somethin about gettin to that place...or rather, takin one step on the other side of half-way. momentum seems to pick up a little...and a vague sense of downhill motion eases the mind. it's not all easy breathin this side of it, though. - i'm reminded of the last time josh and i went backpackin.
we went to colorado and started in. after a long day's work, we settled for the evenin in this quiet valley. our plans were to wake up the next day, take a day trip up to 'the window' and come back. judgin by where we thought we were on the map, we thought the endeavor would be about 4ish miles roundtrip...so we took a little food, some water, and headed out leisurely. we climbed and clamored and clamored and climbed...to the point of nearly exhausting ourselves...and this was all before we even reached the summit of 'the window' itself. i distinctly remember reachin this place...past the trees and shadows of the timber...into a sort of clearing...the grass was short, and there were little sprigs of mountain flowers all over the place...stones, from the size of pebbles to boulders, were scattered around....and up ahead, i saw the formation known as 'the window.' it was remarkable...adventurously inviting...and daunting.
i was beginnin to feel physically ill from the exhaustion...nauseated, trembly, foggy-headed...i was spent. or so i thought....w/'the window' w/in shoutin distance, we couldn't stop. we couldn't turn around. we had to go on...we had to. have you ever felt this way before? and that last 150-200 yards was the hardest length of the trip. i'd put my head down, take a deep breath, steady my respirations, and take as many steps as i could before almost fallin down....then i'd pause, stand up straight, look at the peak, fill my lungs w/thrilling mountain air, then duck my head and go a little farther. over and over i did this....until i finally made it. i think josh had to physically help me up the last few steps.... and we stood there. together. arms around each other. feelin like we were on top of the world....hands tremblin, legs shakin, hearts poundin...and the pure joy of that moment seemed to halt the spinning of the earth.
and then we had to head back downhill.
the downhill trek was still work...my whole person was so tired...but it was a different kind of tired than comin up. it was a worthwhile tired...a fulfilled exhaustion.... this stillness inside that rested, "we went all the way. it was so hard, and we kept goin till there wasn't any place left to go."
and yet...the hardest part of that day was the 150-200 yards just before the peak....that last little bit before we were half-way finished. and that's kinda how we feel right now, i think. after next weekend, we can reasonably say "we're almost there." if we can just keep goin...just keep on keepin on (like some of my dear friends would say), we'll get to graduation and a new version of our life together. but now...the past couple weeks...i think we've both fought the urge to give up...to throw in the towel, feelin like the messiness of these 7 months isn't worth what we can't see. fortunately, we haven't both had days like that at the same time....
amazingly enough, though, we're really doin okay. this continues to be difficult and frustrating, and honestly, it just flat-out sucks. but we're okay. appreciation is ever-lengthening in us...gratitude growing for how far we've come together....and deep rivers of love are holding us strongly and tenderly.
sidenote: what we thought was gonna be 4ish miles roundtrip turned into 4-5 miles oneway....so after about 9 miles and several hours, we stumbled into camp and crashed.
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