two blogs in one day? definitely a first....probably a last.
but at the moment, i'm sittin here, wonderin if i answered my questions "correctly." how do you answer adoption application questions "correctly" anyway? it's not a job application...but it's not a counseling session either....
questions like...."how did your parents influence your life?" WHAT? they're my parents, for cryin out loud! the question's probably not directed toward their genetic influence....but seriously....i doubt there are many places (if any at all) that haven't been in some way influenced by mama and daddy....for better or worse....so i talked very generally about mama's honesty and daddy's work ethic and how laughter sailed us all thru many a storm. but hours later, now i'm wonderin...would it have been more parental-sounding to talk about their determination to not live in debt, how they taught me financial responsibility? would it be better to sound explicitly grateful and talk about how they bent over backwards to send me to countless camps, traveled to all my games and tournaments, and how they scraped by for years so that my college would be paid for? what about the smaller things...like how i sit on a couch just like mama and grandma do...how i tend to use somethin until it's completely worn out like daddy... or maybe how i hope our family shares regular meals at a table rather than in the livin room like we did growin up? i think a better question would be "how have your parents NOT influenced your life?"
how about this one: "what are three of your strengths and why?" again....seriously? when i apply for a nursing job, this is easy....organization, attention to detail, treating patients as people... but....this isn't really a job application. so what kinds of strengths are we talkin about here? office-oriented? career-focused? emotional strengths? spiritual gifts? my strengths as a wife? friend? daughter? sister? aaaahhhh.... of course, bein a parent (i think) will be all of this together and none of it at all... so....that still leaves me w/three blank lines.....
as a mother, i hope to let my kids be who they are...to be gracious and wise....playful and safe...hopeful and enduring and tender.... to give them beautiful love and wild laughter....
but not everyone appreciates that kind of language....sometimes folks just want the nuts-and-bolts answers....those tend to be safer answers somehow....
so i don't know...my questions are answered...and probably, i shouldn't worry about them...i could go back 12 times and change my answers and still wonder if my answers are "correct."
how do you apply for adoption? how do you apply to become a parent? such a strange place....
Saturday, May 22, 2010
decisions decisions
the time that's passed since the last blog has passed quickly and busily. i had a test and a final...marsha's fiance' graduated from ac...i finally had time to clean the house (eek!)...josh has been busy busy workin the lake...and we've even squeezed in a fishin trip or two ourselves. oh - and we made a decision about an agency...just by the way :)
we've decided to go through the agency in lubbock -- www.adoptioncovenant.org
so much has happened in light of our decision....lots of tangible stuff...and unexpected waves of emotion.
the tangible stuff is a lot of what has been so overwhelming to look at from a distance...the application itself is over 40 pages. what is it that they want to know that requires 40 pages? everything! financial stuff....health history...marriage history...and a slew of personal questions...most of which many of us never intentionally think about. each of us has to individually answer several pages of questions about our lives up to now -- our childhoods, pleasant memories, unpleasant memories, discipline philosophies, our perspective re: adoption, conflict growin up, our relationships w/parents and sisters, dating ideas, etc etc etc... so it's a pretty intense evaluation of who we are now in light of where we've been.
then there's the list of things to do/documents to gather -- copies of everything under the sun...birth certificates, marriage certificates, transcripts, bills, bank statements, tax returns, proof of every kind of insurance you can think of, fingerprints, and a sketch of the floor plan of our house. we both had to get physicals, which we wrapped up monday. the doctor was great and really encouraging...which is always a nice surprise.
we also had to choose three references and get them the paperwork to fill out. each of them was wonderful when asked....and said things you hope real "references" would be able to say....encouraging and hopeful and honest and grateful to be able to help.
a funny story....one of the things we're supposed to turn in is a rent receipt. josh and i laughed when we saw this. a rent receipt? oh yeah - folks who live in apt complexes or live in cities probably get these.... not here :). i generally give our rent check to betty when i meet w/this group of older women for lunch every month...and then the next time i see robert, he goes on and on about how he wants to take us out to dinner b/c he just got another rent check...and then he gives me a hug. but we talked to them about it anyway....so robert - who has multiple rent houses in seymour and has been a landlord for 30 years - goes down to the newspaper office and asks for a receipt book. he then makes a special trip all the way out here...pulls out this brand new receipt book and tries to fill it out correctly. our names are on the line where the money amt is supposed to go, and you can barely read our names b/c his 80 year old hand doesn't write too well anymore...but he was pleased as punch to help us out. i thanked him...over and over again...and then a few hours later, realized we needed 2 months' worth of rent receipts. oh well...we'll just explain the situation in the interview :)
so our plan....the rushin around and various phone calls the last couple weeks have paid off...all we have left to do is copy a few more bills, organize all our stuff, and i need to answer my part of the questions...then the application will be complete. we'll go to lubbock sunday evenin sometime...and we have an appt w/the agency at 2:00 monday afternoon.
generally, adoptive parents complete the application and deliver it to the agency one day, and then several days later have an interview. however, since a single trip to lubbock would be so much easier, they're lettin us turn in the application and interview the same day. we're grateful for that.
so that's where we are....a trip to lubbock, a completed adoption application, a fat check for the application fee and homestudy, and an interview.... here we go . . .
oh - i mentioned the unexpected waves of emotion earlier...i'll have to write about those later.
we've decided to go through the agency in lubbock -- www.adoptioncovenant.org
so much has happened in light of our decision....lots of tangible stuff...and unexpected waves of emotion.
the tangible stuff is a lot of what has been so overwhelming to look at from a distance...the application itself is over 40 pages. what is it that they want to know that requires 40 pages? everything! financial stuff....health history...marriage history...and a slew of personal questions...most of which many of us never intentionally think about. each of us has to individually answer several pages of questions about our lives up to now -- our childhoods, pleasant memories, unpleasant memories, discipline philosophies, our perspective re: adoption, conflict growin up, our relationships w/parents and sisters, dating ideas, etc etc etc... so it's a pretty intense evaluation of who we are now in light of where we've been.
then there's the list of things to do/documents to gather -- copies of everything under the sun...birth certificates, marriage certificates, transcripts, bills, bank statements, tax returns, proof of every kind of insurance you can think of, fingerprints, and a sketch of the floor plan of our house. we both had to get physicals, which we wrapped up monday. the doctor was great and really encouraging...which is always a nice surprise.
we also had to choose three references and get them the paperwork to fill out. each of them was wonderful when asked....and said things you hope real "references" would be able to say....encouraging and hopeful and honest and grateful to be able to help.
a funny story....one of the things we're supposed to turn in is a rent receipt. josh and i laughed when we saw this. a rent receipt? oh yeah - folks who live in apt complexes or live in cities probably get these.... not here :). i generally give our rent check to betty when i meet w/this group of older women for lunch every month...and then the next time i see robert, he goes on and on about how he wants to take us out to dinner b/c he just got another rent check...and then he gives me a hug. but we talked to them about it anyway....so robert - who has multiple rent houses in seymour and has been a landlord for 30 years - goes down to the newspaper office and asks for a receipt book. he then makes a special trip all the way out here...pulls out this brand new receipt book and tries to fill it out correctly. our names are on the line where the money amt is supposed to go, and you can barely read our names b/c his 80 year old hand doesn't write too well anymore...but he was pleased as punch to help us out. i thanked him...over and over again...and then a few hours later, realized we needed 2 months' worth of rent receipts. oh well...we'll just explain the situation in the interview :)
so our plan....the rushin around and various phone calls the last couple weeks have paid off...all we have left to do is copy a few more bills, organize all our stuff, and i need to answer my part of the questions...then the application will be complete. we'll go to lubbock sunday evenin sometime...and we have an appt w/the agency at 2:00 monday afternoon.
generally, adoptive parents complete the application and deliver it to the agency one day, and then several days later have an interview. however, since a single trip to lubbock would be so much easier, they're lettin us turn in the application and interview the same day. we're grateful for that.
so that's where we are....a trip to lubbock, a completed adoption application, a fat check for the application fee and homestudy, and an interview.... here we go . . .
oh - i mentioned the unexpected waves of emotion earlier...i'll have to write about those later.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
details details
computers and the internet, among other purposes, serve as constantly and easily available distractions from legitimately necessary tasks.....for instance, studyin...
i really don't have much of an idea as to who reads this blog or how often....but in case there's anyone out there reading this, who i don't talk to on a regular basis or who i don't frequently exchange emails with, i thought a quick 'detail blog' might be appreciated.
the intricacies of adoption and the process of deciding on an agency are pretty foreign details to most folks....so there may be someone who's wondering what it is exactly that we're sifting through, what kinds of questions we're asking of these agencies. so....
(in no particular order....)
state law requires (at least) two things before a family can adopt: at least 8hrs of adoption education and a home study. most agencies require the adoptive couple to attend an 8hr orientation class that they present. a few agencies allow the couple to complete 8hrs of approved education/training elsewhere - thru other agencies or thru online opportunities.
the home study is a pretty involved process. it entails a licensed social worker coming into your home and checkin things out. this involves an evaluation of the safety and suitability of the house itself. it also involves an extensive interview. all the agencies we've looked into require at least 2 visits -- either both visits prior to the adoption or a visit before the adoption and then a post-placement visit a few weeks after the adoption....to make sure everything's goin okay.
our biggest concern in this facet of the process is proximity. if a particular educational class is required, we have to factor in the money and time necessary for us to attend. it should also be noted that these required classes are not offered terribly often. some agencies offer the class once a year....others it's once a quarter...and still others it's more on an as-needed basis. the home study isn't as difficult to consider in terms of scheduling, but there are some considerations....since we live in the middle of nowhere, we will incur additional expense for the social worker having to travel. some agencies also charge an "out of area fee" in addition to the traveling expenses.
this has led quite nicely into the money part of this decision :). adoption isn't cheap, needless to say. gosh...i could write an entire blog or more just on the details of fees and such....let me see if i can be brief....
every agency charges for their services -- these services are often broken down into the cost of the home study, legal fees, and placement fees (basically the leg work of connecting the birthmom to the adoptive parents). these costs are set and for the most part, don't seem to differ substantially among agencies....at least not the ones we're lookin' at.
there is some variability, though. that variability lies within each birthmom's situation. if she's a teenager from a middle-class home and is still on her parents' insurance, then she doesn't need a lot of help from the agency. if, however, she isn't that fortunate, she may need some help through the pregnancy - everything from help w/the doctor's bills to utilities and food and rent. the way an agency decides to handle this variability seems to be what dictates the cost to the adoptive parent.
we've found agencies handle this in two ways:
1. take an average of the total cost of their adoptions and charge every adoptive couple the same amount, regardless of how much help your particular birthmom needs.
2. charge a minimum fee (their service fee) and then any additional fees the agency assumes responsibility for in helping the birthmom through the pregnancy. often times, the agency will have a maximum possible fee.
obviously, there are advantages and disadvantages to both ways.... for us, though, it's a question of risk. what was it daddy used to say? he wasn't made out of money? money didn't grow on trees? well that's for dang sure! with the minimum-maximum fee, for instance, i found an agency the other day that charged $15,000 min to....are you ready?...$37,000 maximum. yes - i meant to type all three zeroes. so figurin' out exactly how an agency handles the cost of their services is a big part of this sifting process for us. we simply cannot commit to an agency, hoping for $15,000 but risking $37,000. like daddy, neither we nor our plants are made out of money.
then there are all sorts of agency policies to consider and wade thru....do they require open adoptions? only closed adoptions? what about the dad factor? how do they manage those situations? do we get to meet the birthmom beforehand? how do they handle the birth itself - do we take the baby home from the hospital? or is the baby given to an agency representative until all the papers are signed? -- there are so many logistical angles to consider...
and finally....the part that's much more difficult to articulate...siftin thru how our hearts and spirits and minds respond to the information, the options, and the possibilities. we don't want this decision to be determined by mere convenience of location and cost...and we also realize there won't be a perfect agency w/which we agree on every detail... so we wait, as patiently as possible, and let the whirlwind of emails and questions and applications slow....and hopefully in a few days, the dust will settle, and we'll choose.
i really don't have much of an idea as to who reads this blog or how often....but in case there's anyone out there reading this, who i don't talk to on a regular basis or who i don't frequently exchange emails with, i thought a quick 'detail blog' might be appreciated.
the intricacies of adoption and the process of deciding on an agency are pretty foreign details to most folks....so there may be someone who's wondering what it is exactly that we're sifting through, what kinds of questions we're asking of these agencies. so....
(in no particular order....)
state law requires (at least) two things before a family can adopt: at least 8hrs of adoption education and a home study. most agencies require the adoptive couple to attend an 8hr orientation class that they present. a few agencies allow the couple to complete 8hrs of approved education/training elsewhere - thru other agencies or thru online opportunities.
the home study is a pretty involved process. it entails a licensed social worker coming into your home and checkin things out. this involves an evaluation of the safety and suitability of the house itself. it also involves an extensive interview. all the agencies we've looked into require at least 2 visits -- either both visits prior to the adoption or a visit before the adoption and then a post-placement visit a few weeks after the adoption....to make sure everything's goin okay.
our biggest concern in this facet of the process is proximity. if a particular educational class is required, we have to factor in the money and time necessary for us to attend. it should also be noted that these required classes are not offered terribly often. some agencies offer the class once a year....others it's once a quarter...and still others it's more on an as-needed basis. the home study isn't as difficult to consider in terms of scheduling, but there are some considerations....since we live in the middle of nowhere, we will incur additional expense for the social worker having to travel. some agencies also charge an "out of area fee" in addition to the traveling expenses.
this has led quite nicely into the money part of this decision :). adoption isn't cheap, needless to say. gosh...i could write an entire blog or more just on the details of fees and such....let me see if i can be brief....
every agency charges for their services -- these services are often broken down into the cost of the home study, legal fees, and placement fees (basically the leg work of connecting the birthmom to the adoptive parents). these costs are set and for the most part, don't seem to differ substantially among agencies....at least not the ones we're lookin' at.
there is some variability, though. that variability lies within each birthmom's situation. if she's a teenager from a middle-class home and is still on her parents' insurance, then she doesn't need a lot of help from the agency. if, however, she isn't that fortunate, she may need some help through the pregnancy - everything from help w/the doctor's bills to utilities and food and rent. the way an agency decides to handle this variability seems to be what dictates the cost to the adoptive parent.
we've found agencies handle this in two ways:
1. take an average of the total cost of their adoptions and charge every adoptive couple the same amount, regardless of how much help your particular birthmom needs.
2. charge a minimum fee (their service fee) and then any additional fees the agency assumes responsibility for in helping the birthmom through the pregnancy. often times, the agency will have a maximum possible fee.
obviously, there are advantages and disadvantages to both ways.... for us, though, it's a question of risk. what was it daddy used to say? he wasn't made out of money? money didn't grow on trees? well that's for dang sure! with the minimum-maximum fee, for instance, i found an agency the other day that charged $15,000 min to....are you ready?...$37,000 maximum. yes - i meant to type all three zeroes. so figurin' out exactly how an agency handles the cost of their services is a big part of this sifting process for us. we simply cannot commit to an agency, hoping for $15,000 but risking $37,000. like daddy, neither we nor our plants are made out of money.
then there are all sorts of agency policies to consider and wade thru....do they require open adoptions? only closed adoptions? what about the dad factor? how do they manage those situations? do we get to meet the birthmom beforehand? how do they handle the birth itself - do we take the baby home from the hospital? or is the baby given to an agency representative until all the papers are signed? -- there are so many logistical angles to consider...
and finally....the part that's much more difficult to articulate...siftin thru how our hearts and spirits and minds respond to the information, the options, and the possibilities. we don't want this decision to be determined by mere convenience of location and cost...and we also realize there won't be a perfect agency w/which we agree on every detail... so we wait, as patiently as possible, and let the whirlwind of emails and questions and applications slow....and hopefully in a few days, the dust will settle, and we'll choose.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
returns
it seems as if returns have been the theme around here the last few days....
the first return
the sonogram pictures have been returned to the birthmother....as have the pictures of her family she gave us the first time we met...we hope she is well and surrounded by people who will love and support her with the birth of her baby boy in a few weeks.
though the boxin up of these things, writin the note, and goin to the post office weren't enjoyable, it was good to find some finality in it all. our hearts aren't sealed w/hope yet....but in the few days since the post office, we've had good conversations and been able to keep movin forward.
the second return
a few days ago, we began again the process of findin an adoption agency. we've dabbled in this process here and there the last year and a half or so... i think our attitude was a little different then, though. i think those months were filled w/a lingering sense of "if we just wait long enough, we'll get pregnant...." so the websites we read and the conversations we had were mostly informational....our minds could only walk around the edges of this land called 'adoption'....while our hearts' attentions stayed turned toward pregnancy.
but now, things are different. we're different, i think. life has changed and kept movin....and we've done what we've known to do to keep up.
as best we know, keepin up today means findin an adoption agency... so we've looked at websites, emailed a couple friends, and contacted about 1/2 dozen agencies. we've heard back from most of them and are tryin to sift through all the relevant details in order to decide which agency we want to commit to. if you're interested and have some spare time, here are the websites of some of the agencies we've contacted:
http://www.specialdeliveryadoptions.org
http://www.livalt.org
http://www.adoptioncovenant.org/
http://www.inheritanceadoptions.org/
http://adoptionsbygladney.com/index.html
one day at a time...exchanging emails w/these agencies....and siftin thru the details, the processes, and the ways our hearts and spirits respond...
at the moment, we have one pre-application questionnaire and one application sittin on our dinin room table....and another application in pdf format saved in the computer.... all blank...mostly b/c completing any of them will involve a fairly significant investment of our time and our trembling hearts.... hopefully the next few days will bring some answers to the questions we've asked these agencies, and we can decide which application/questionnaire we want to complete.
deep breath.... and join nemo...."just keep swimming....just keep swimming..."
the first return
the sonogram pictures have been returned to the birthmother....as have the pictures of her family she gave us the first time we met...we hope she is well and surrounded by people who will love and support her with the birth of her baby boy in a few weeks.
though the boxin up of these things, writin the note, and goin to the post office weren't enjoyable, it was good to find some finality in it all. our hearts aren't sealed w/hope yet....but in the few days since the post office, we've had good conversations and been able to keep movin forward.
the second return
a few days ago, we began again the process of findin an adoption agency. we've dabbled in this process here and there the last year and a half or so... i think our attitude was a little different then, though. i think those months were filled w/a lingering sense of "if we just wait long enough, we'll get pregnant...." so the websites we read and the conversations we had were mostly informational....our minds could only walk around the edges of this land called 'adoption'....while our hearts' attentions stayed turned toward pregnancy.
but now, things are different. we're different, i think. life has changed and kept movin....and we've done what we've known to do to keep up.
as best we know, keepin up today means findin an adoption agency... so we've looked at websites, emailed a couple friends, and contacted about 1/2 dozen agencies. we've heard back from most of them and are tryin to sift through all the relevant details in order to decide which agency we want to commit to. if you're interested and have some spare time, here are the websites of some of the agencies we've contacted:
http://www.specialdeliveryadoptions.org
http://www.livalt.org
http://www.adoptioncovenant.org/
http://www.inheritanceadoptions.org/
http://adoptionsbygladney.com/index.html
one day at a time...exchanging emails w/these agencies....and siftin thru the details, the processes, and the ways our hearts and spirits respond...
at the moment, we have one pre-application questionnaire and one application sittin on our dinin room table....and another application in pdf format saved in the computer.... all blank...mostly b/c completing any of them will involve a fairly significant investment of our time and our trembling hearts.... hopefully the next few days will bring some answers to the questions we've asked these agencies, and we can decide which application/questionnaire we want to complete.
deep breath.... and join nemo...."just keep swimming....just keep swimming..."
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
unexpected
the last blog was a brief update of the last few weeks....and then some words about the letter we had written to the father...at that time, it was minimized on this computer...
...it's now saved as a word document somewhere in the bowels of this machine. it never made it to the printer....into an envelope....through the united states postal service system...and into the hands of the birthfather.
josh and i had an agreement -- i would write the letter, and he would call the birthmother. we had to call her for the birthfather's mailin address. we wanted to call her and tell her what the lawyer had said, check on her, and make sure it was okay that we sent the letter. josh called in the mornin and caught her at work...she answered the phone and said she'd call back.
she hasn't.
can't say we're terribly surprised. a lot has happened in her life since we met her back in january. people in her community have come alongside her and supported her in some much-needed ways...provided for her and her kids...and believe she can grow into a better life than the one she's had.
so maybe she's changed her mind b/c of the change in circumstance.... maybe when she talked to the birthfather, and he said no (to the adoption), she gave up on the chance for adoption.... maybe she's determined her heart to keep and love and raise this baby... regardless of her motivation, a lot of time has passed since we last spoke...at least a lot of time relative to her pregnancy....and as the one w/the baby in her womb, she began workin toward bein the best mother she can be rather than waitin around for the birthfather to change his mind. the situation is what it is for her....and we believe she's tryin to turn things around, tryin to make the best of it.
and we're glad for her. we really are. josh said from the beginnin "she has the heart of a mother but doesn't always have the head (of a mother)." hopefully w/the support she has now, she can make better decisions and raise her children as they need to be raised. she's a brave, determined, strong young woman...
we don't expect to hear from her. but this isn't what we were expectin.
it's gettin close to bedtime.... josh and i have had a really good day together... yesterday was our 7th anniversary :) ... and i think the best thing for tonite is to leave it at that.
good nite.
...it's now saved as a word document somewhere in the bowels of this machine. it never made it to the printer....into an envelope....through the united states postal service system...and into the hands of the birthfather.
josh and i had an agreement -- i would write the letter, and he would call the birthmother. we had to call her for the birthfather's mailin address. we wanted to call her and tell her what the lawyer had said, check on her, and make sure it was okay that we sent the letter. josh called in the mornin and caught her at work...she answered the phone and said she'd call back.
she hasn't.
can't say we're terribly surprised. a lot has happened in her life since we met her back in january. people in her community have come alongside her and supported her in some much-needed ways...provided for her and her kids...and believe she can grow into a better life than the one she's had.
so maybe she's changed her mind b/c of the change in circumstance.... maybe when she talked to the birthfather, and he said no (to the adoption), she gave up on the chance for adoption.... maybe she's determined her heart to keep and love and raise this baby... regardless of her motivation, a lot of time has passed since we last spoke...at least a lot of time relative to her pregnancy....and as the one w/the baby in her womb, she began workin toward bein the best mother she can be rather than waitin around for the birthfather to change his mind. the situation is what it is for her....and we believe she's tryin to turn things around, tryin to make the best of it.
and we're glad for her. we really are. josh said from the beginnin "she has the heart of a mother but doesn't always have the head (of a mother)." hopefully w/the support she has now, she can make better decisions and raise her children as they need to be raised. she's a brave, determined, strong young woman...
we don't expect to hear from her. but this isn't what we were expectin.
it's gettin close to bedtime.... josh and i have had a really good day together... yesterday was our 7th anniversary :) ... and i think the best thing for tonite is to leave it at that.
good nite.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
the lawyer and the letter
can't believe it's been over six weeks since that last blog... i can't go on w/o thankin everyone for your prayers, your encouragement, and your sincerity...so thank you...we're grateful for you and appreciate you hopin for us...
not a whole lot has happened, actually. josh was the last one to speak w/the birthmother. he was very calm and wise and encouraged her (and me) to just take a few weeks to breathe...to give the dad time to think about it...and reminded her that takin care of herself for the baby's sake was the most important thing to do. she was agreeable to the waiting and to the breathing....
and then he called the lawyer. the lawyer was very honest, which we appreciated. long story short, his counsel was "i tell anyone in this situation to cut their losses and run." not exactly what we were hopin for, but again, we appreciated his honesty. then he went on to explain -- the fight may not be worth it if the worst case scenario is possible....that being the mom relinquishes her rights to us, and we're given custody of the baby...but then the dad contests, and the judge gives him a period of time to "prove himself" via child support and health insurance coverage, etc...and if the dad lives up to it, regardless of his past or of his future, the court system will have no legal grounds to deny him his parental rights to the baby. so in the end, the mom has signed over her rights and doesn't get the baby...josh and i don't get the baby...and the baby ends up w/only the dad...
he went on to advise josh -- "at the end of two years of battlin in court, you've spent way more than you would have goin to an adoption agency in the first place...but ya know, the money wouldn't be the worst part...the worst part would be hearin that judge give the dad the rights to the baby and havin to give up the baby you've loved and fought for for two years. and i don't think you want to do that do your wife." i think about all josh was able to muster at that point was a solemn "no, sir, i don't."
but he also encouraged josh....told him he's seen cases like this where the dad contests b/c of a dysfunctional relationship w/the mom...and not necessarily b/c he has any vested interest in the baby...so he said if he were in our situation, he would write the dad a letter...tell him a little bit about ourselves...and maybe that would turn the tide....after all, we don't have anything to lose...
so minimized on this computer screen tonite is a letter...
a letter to a man we've never met. a man we don't know much about. a man who has fathered a baby we anticipated to be ours. a man who may or may not like nurses or law enforcement guys. a man who may or may not even read it. a man we're hopin will make a decision in the best interest of an unborn baby boy. a man whose change of heart could change our lives, and the lives of a lot of other people...for always....
i'm not real sure how this will all play out...if we'll hear anything back at all...so writin the letter and mailin it doesn't really change anything...it doesn't change the unknown or the uncertainty of the wait....doesn't change this strange place of bein afraid to hope and bein afraid not to...
but if there's at all a chance that it will change anything....that it will turn the tide...then we can't not do it....
in the meantime.... we just keep on keepin on...one day at a time....
not a whole lot has happened, actually. josh was the last one to speak w/the birthmother. he was very calm and wise and encouraged her (and me) to just take a few weeks to breathe...to give the dad time to think about it...and reminded her that takin care of herself for the baby's sake was the most important thing to do. she was agreeable to the waiting and to the breathing....
and then he called the lawyer. the lawyer was very honest, which we appreciated. long story short, his counsel was "i tell anyone in this situation to cut their losses and run." not exactly what we were hopin for, but again, we appreciated his honesty. then he went on to explain -- the fight may not be worth it if the worst case scenario is possible....that being the mom relinquishes her rights to us, and we're given custody of the baby...but then the dad contests, and the judge gives him a period of time to "prove himself" via child support and health insurance coverage, etc...and if the dad lives up to it, regardless of his past or of his future, the court system will have no legal grounds to deny him his parental rights to the baby. so in the end, the mom has signed over her rights and doesn't get the baby...josh and i don't get the baby...and the baby ends up w/only the dad...
he went on to advise josh -- "at the end of two years of battlin in court, you've spent way more than you would have goin to an adoption agency in the first place...but ya know, the money wouldn't be the worst part...the worst part would be hearin that judge give the dad the rights to the baby and havin to give up the baby you've loved and fought for for two years. and i don't think you want to do that do your wife." i think about all josh was able to muster at that point was a solemn "no, sir, i don't."
but he also encouraged josh....told him he's seen cases like this where the dad contests b/c of a dysfunctional relationship w/the mom...and not necessarily b/c he has any vested interest in the baby...so he said if he were in our situation, he would write the dad a letter...tell him a little bit about ourselves...and maybe that would turn the tide....after all, we don't have anything to lose...
so minimized on this computer screen tonite is a letter...
a letter to a man we've never met. a man we don't know much about. a man who has fathered a baby we anticipated to be ours. a man who may or may not like nurses or law enforcement guys. a man who may or may not even read it. a man we're hopin will make a decision in the best interest of an unborn baby boy. a man whose change of heart could change our lives, and the lives of a lot of other people...for always....
i'm not real sure how this will all play out...if we'll hear anything back at all...so writin the letter and mailin it doesn't really change anything...it doesn't change the unknown or the uncertainty of the wait....doesn't change this strange place of bein afraid to hope and bein afraid not to...
but if there's at all a chance that it will change anything....that it will turn the tide...then we can't not do it....
in the meantime.... we just keep on keepin on...one day at a time....
Friday, February 5, 2010
no good title
i've been thinkin about this blog for over a month....at various times over the last few weeks, i've had the perfect layout for the story....but i always hesitated to write...then the story would change, so my idea for writin about it would change accordingly...
the design was roughly somethin like this....
part I: no-man's land...and i'd write a little about how josh and i were hardly even talkin about the baby thing anymore....not b/c anything had happened....actually, that's precisely why there wasn't anything to say - nothin had happened. the further we got from the failed fertility treatment of the summer, the more futile another attempt felt. when we thought of adoption, we still had so many reservations...the inherent risk in it all, can we love a baby that doesn't come from us, moral opposition to the cost of bringing a family together thru an adoption agency, etc...
part II: the phone call....this happened on the afternoon of new year's eve...i was at work when i got a call...a call that stopped my heart and brought tears to my eyes...a call that changed everything.... one of those friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend things...there was a young woman, pregnant, able to see ahead and determine she would be unable to care for her child after the birth, and wanted josh and i to adopt her baby come june... it was one of those fall-in-your-lap kinda deals. the kind you just can't quite call a coincidence.
part III: the meeting....the first time we met this brave woman was at the dr's office...just a few minutes prior to the sonogram she invited us into...we ended up spendin the better part of the day w/her and her family...the sonogram revealed the baby would be born a sweet little boy...the dr's appt assured us that everything was healthy and normal...lunch afterward should have been incredibly awkward, but as we all sat around chatting, it was remarkably comfortable... we left to come back home and knew in our hearts (though our mouths were hesitant to give voice to them immediately) that this is what we wanted... all along, we've said that if adoption was what we needed to do, there was an ideal situation...and so many of those hopes were met in this woman, her family, and their intentions....
...then all remaining blogs would be about the Glory of it all...the tears and the peace we shared...the anxiety that seemed to be comforted over and over again..... everything from the gift it would be to become parents w/in just a couple weeks of our dear friends becoming parents as well (our little boy and the merrills' little boy growin up together....)...and havin to re-arrange our house to fit a baby (after nearly 7 yrs of marriage, we've accumulated an embarrassing amt of stuff)...and walkin thru wal-mart one afternoon and realizin that passin by the baby stuff didn't hurt anymore.... and the nuts and bolts of the legal side of things, conversations w/the lawyer and such...our blog would finally be fulfilling its purpose...
but given the tone of the blog thus far, i'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that this week has brought a significant change of events....
long story short, the baby's birthfather has been notified, and he's stated that he has no intentions of relinquishing his rights. in the state of texas, both biological parents have rights to the child...
as i sit here this evenin, there seem to be a hundred more things to say.... like how our next step is to talk to the lawyer to see what his counsel is....or the foolishness i feel for becoming so quickly invested in this obviously unpredictable situation...the questions we have, which are endless it seems...the storm of emotion that has accompanied this potential ending to the fairytale...my cynicism is stirred, thinkin of the things people say around times like this, things about "meant to be" and usually when we say things like that, it's b/c we don't have answers for really crappy things, really hard questions...but i know folks mean well, and i know i'm just hurting...
when my tears seemed to have run out, i find myself almost chucklin, thinkin "you have got to be kiddin me. really? 5 1/2 yrs of tryin when so many others have unintentional and unwanted pregnancies...doctors who say 'we don't know what's wrong. for all practical purposes, this should work' only to be followed by a failed treatment...and now a seemingly ideal adoption situation on the brink of failure? really?" sometimes i can't believe this is our life...
sometimes i find the difference b/w surrender and numb a little foggy....and it's times like this when i want to say w/red "hope is a dangerous thing"
the design was roughly somethin like this....
part I: no-man's land...and i'd write a little about how josh and i were hardly even talkin about the baby thing anymore....not b/c anything had happened....actually, that's precisely why there wasn't anything to say - nothin had happened. the further we got from the failed fertility treatment of the summer, the more futile another attempt felt. when we thought of adoption, we still had so many reservations...the inherent risk in it all, can we love a baby that doesn't come from us, moral opposition to the cost of bringing a family together thru an adoption agency, etc...
part II: the phone call....this happened on the afternoon of new year's eve...i was at work when i got a call...a call that stopped my heart and brought tears to my eyes...a call that changed everything.... one of those friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend things...there was a young woman, pregnant, able to see ahead and determine she would be unable to care for her child after the birth, and wanted josh and i to adopt her baby come june... it was one of those fall-in-your-lap kinda deals. the kind you just can't quite call a coincidence.
part III: the meeting....the first time we met this brave woman was at the dr's office...just a few minutes prior to the sonogram she invited us into...we ended up spendin the better part of the day w/her and her family...the sonogram revealed the baby would be born a sweet little boy...the dr's appt assured us that everything was healthy and normal...lunch afterward should have been incredibly awkward, but as we all sat around chatting, it was remarkably comfortable... we left to come back home and knew in our hearts (though our mouths were hesitant to give voice to them immediately) that this is what we wanted... all along, we've said that if adoption was what we needed to do, there was an ideal situation...and so many of those hopes were met in this woman, her family, and their intentions....
...then all remaining blogs would be about the Glory of it all...the tears and the peace we shared...the anxiety that seemed to be comforted over and over again..... everything from the gift it would be to become parents w/in just a couple weeks of our dear friends becoming parents as well (our little boy and the merrills' little boy growin up together....)...and havin to re-arrange our house to fit a baby (after nearly 7 yrs of marriage, we've accumulated an embarrassing amt of stuff)...and walkin thru wal-mart one afternoon and realizin that passin by the baby stuff didn't hurt anymore.... and the nuts and bolts of the legal side of things, conversations w/the lawyer and such...our blog would finally be fulfilling its purpose...
but given the tone of the blog thus far, i'm sure you won't be surprised to learn that this week has brought a significant change of events....
long story short, the baby's birthfather has been notified, and he's stated that he has no intentions of relinquishing his rights. in the state of texas, both biological parents have rights to the child...
as i sit here this evenin, there seem to be a hundred more things to say.... like how our next step is to talk to the lawyer to see what his counsel is....or the foolishness i feel for becoming so quickly invested in this obviously unpredictable situation...the questions we have, which are endless it seems...the storm of emotion that has accompanied this potential ending to the fairytale...my cynicism is stirred, thinkin of the things people say around times like this, things about "meant to be" and usually when we say things like that, it's b/c we don't have answers for really crappy things, really hard questions...but i know folks mean well, and i know i'm just hurting...
when my tears seemed to have run out, i find myself almost chucklin, thinkin "you have got to be kiddin me. really? 5 1/2 yrs of tryin when so many others have unintentional and unwanted pregnancies...doctors who say 'we don't know what's wrong. for all practical purposes, this should work' only to be followed by a failed treatment...and now a seemingly ideal adoption situation on the brink of failure? really?" sometimes i can't believe this is our life...
sometimes i find the difference b/w surrender and numb a little foggy....and it's times like this when i want to say w/red "hope is a dangerous thing"
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