nada

not feelin very creative tonite...no funny stories to tell...or adoption-related revelations to share. just feelin a bit disconnected from the blog, so i'm attempting to re-establish our relationship.

josh is sick. i'm finally well. go figure.

it's really cold here in bushland. drove to town a little while ago, and a thin layer of ice actually formed on my windshield after gettin onto i-40. whatever cold fronts blow thru here usually hit hamilton by the next day. i don't know that it gets quite as cold there...but if you're one of the cadets runnin outside @ 6 in the mornin, below freezin is below freezin.

josh brought his friend royce home for the weekend. he's better known to yall as "ilsy" (in the picture w/josh on the coast @ dawn). i think they had a lot of fun. josh and daddy took him prairie dog huntin...and they were like three little boys at disney land. quite entertaining :). then sunday mornin, josh and royce met up w/jimmy and watched jimmy hunt birds w/his hawk vinny. haven't heard any crazy stories from that trip, but i'm sure it was exciting.

that's really about all for now. i'm gonna go wrap up in a blanket and read for a while.

remnant

though it requires constant effort, i prefer tidiness. i prefer clothes and dishes and decorations and bills to be in their place. towels folded neatly, cleanin supplies organized. since josh has been gone, i've cleaned up and organized 2 closets and the garage...both of which were josh's domain prior to the academy. it's...therapeutic for me to engage in such activities.

opposites most surely attract.

my preference for tidiness and josh's personal indifference have been a source of tension b/w us, as you can well imagine. however, after bein married almost 6 years, we are slowly learnin how to adjust such tendancies for the sake of the other's sanity (mine) or liberty (his). bottom line - stray shoes and strewn clothes only annoy me now (rather than enrage me)...and josh's tidiness effort has increased significantly.

now that we have such physical distance b/w us, my compulsion to keep the house picked up goes out the window when we comes home. w/what little time we have together, i've realized i need and want to spend time w/him rather than expeding my time and energy keepin stuff in its place.

josh came home this weekend.....kind of a kamakazi trip, really...he didn't get home until midnight friday and had to be back on the road by noon today (sunday). but our time was relaxed and sweet. we had no plans to fulfill or hard conversations to have...we just slept and laughed and watched a movie and caught up a little.

he's gone again...and this time apart continues to realign and restructure my perspective...

when josh came home, there was a huge pile of green wrappin paper on the coach. he asked me, "what was in that?" it did indeed look like a huge present had been unwrapped. but my answer? "morgan." our sweet, beautiful little 4 year old friend was at the house the other nite...and as green is her most favorite color, i couldn't help but let her unroll what was left of some christmas wrappin paper and play w/it. that was 4 days ago. and the paper's still on the couch.

now that i have all the time in the world, i find myself not wantin to get the house in tip-top shape....b/c that would mean i'd have to put josh's boots in his closet and his hat on the hat rack. the small pile of clothes he left behind would have to be put away, and the pillow he slept on would have to be moved. and the green wrappin paper would find its way to the trash.

havin this remnant around helps comfort me a little. that may be weird...but oh well. the house doesn't feel quite so empty w/josh's towel hangin up in the bathroom. -- probably when all is said and done and we're back to livin under the same roof again, the stray shoes and dirty socks will once again annoy me....but maybe not. b/c now i can see that such things are evidence of josh bein here, feelin comfortable and at home...and havin a tidy house is definitely not worth the cost of him bein gone.

tough week

been a tough week for us...

i've been sick for over a week now. finally took a day off work to rest and recover. blah.

josh has been really stressed this week. i'm not real sure of all the details - mostly b/c such details require a moderate comprehension of the law enforcement vocabulary, which i haven't yet acquired. i do know that they're coverin a HUGE amt of material this week that challenges one's memorization skills. josh is studyin like crazy and workin hard...and feelin the pressure. he'll take the test on friday. WHEN he passes, he'll head this way so we can meet up for the weekend.

it's so easy to get frustrated and discouraged when pure exhaustion seems to be at the forefront. i'm hopin for some sleep and assurance for both of us.

deep breath

it's the second day of the new year...and i'm feelin a bit pressured to post some sort of "new year's resolution" thing. though if you were to ask me, i couldn't tell you the direction from which this ambiguous pressure is comin. par for the course, i suppose.

honestly, i'm not big on such resolutions. seriously - who do you know that's stuck to one? yeah, me neither. i've been thinkin a little differently the past few days...not so much about resolutions but anticipations (if that word can be used as a noun). when the thought first occurred to me, my rxn was "oh this will be great! how creative of me. i'll have a top 10 things i'm lookin forward to in 2009." now that january 2nd is almost over, my list is far from meeting the number ten. over and over, there have only been a couple of anticipations that have resounded in me...
- june 11
- becoming a little person's mama and daddy

josh graduates from the academy on june 10...so the very next day might be my most anticipated calendar date. as the academy continues to unfold, and as josh and i venture out into a new life come june, there will be countless adjustments and changes and newness-es...but i don't know what any of that will look like, so i can't include any of that in my list. though i'm not pregnant...and though there hasn't been much rubber-meets-the-adoption-road happenings....we're so hoping 2009 will be the year we become parents.

i have a dear friend who talks about the value of 'delayed gratification'...how it teaches us the importance of patience and perspective...and helps us to more honestly appreciate that which we have waited for. -- there was a time in our marriage when gettin pregnant and havin a baby would have wrought turmoil for us....when all that came w/a baby was scary and messy and inconvenient. one of the most deterring things we heard was "you won't ever get to sleep in." when we heard those words and felt the shockwaves of recognition, we knew we weren't willing to be parents at that point. now, i'm not entirely naive :). i know even havin a baby now will be messy and inconvenient, both in ways i cannot imagine. and it's still very frightening to think of the permanency and risk innate in children. but as our currently sought after gratification is bein delayed, i can tell you most assuredly - it will be worth it. we want the sleepless nites....the chaos...the missing shoes...the financial adjustments...the endless loads of laundry...we ache for the frustrations of scheduling and meals and whose turn it will be to change the diaper...we joyfully look forward to those moments that still time itself....all the expected firsts, the laughin and playin and sweet sleepin and games and picures....and those times that seem too sacred to even type tonite. all of it...we're longing for all of it.

i hope (dare i say anticipate????) 2009 to be a year of new dreams . . .

Photos

Practicing reloads with Lt. Gordon watching. Notice my slick thinking to use my belt loop for a magazine holder....

Me on my trip to Kennedy County, on the Kennedy ranch. Notice the bay and the cattle all in the same place. Really pretty, plus we caught some fish, but missed the bad guys.

Me, Srba, and Long cooking out.

Home away from home. #5

One of lens birthday present for me, a COWBOYS jersey. At least it was Whitten.

Swimming at Ft. Hood. Lt Brooks is in the foreground.

Heading to Ft. Hood. Massive caravan of future game wardens.

Swift, Ilse, Long and Johnson trying to figure out how to write citations. Not fun....

Times and Trials

Well as Lens said I just got back from a trip to east texas. Quite interesting....

I did everything from ride on a 500 hp airboat to go 75 miles in a 26 boston whaler checking oyster boats. And let me tell you...I don't think checking oyster boats for a living would be very fun. Although I think I could do anything with this job. When we went out in the air boat it was me and Ilse, one of my friends here, and we spent all morning checking duck hunters. Oh yeah, we started at 2:00 am. Let me tell you, I need one of those boats. That airboat will go on any land or water. We jumped several obsticales that were must steeper than I would drive a truck over. Not much else can be said other than it was way cool.

The oyster boats were the equivelant of measuring muddy rocks on a boat that is swaying back and forth. Interesting but not alot of fun. The game wardens that we rode with were way cool. They let us take to lead on all of the contacts and write all of the citations. Quite an experience.

It has been a couple of weeks since I have seen lens. Times are hard. Some days I sit in my dorm and think, "what was I thinking, there is no way this is worth it." I don't know if this is how I really feel or it is just the fact that life is hard and times are tough. I miss my wife terribly and my life with my friends and family. I would have to say that my close friends that I have made here are really helping me. We find a way to encourage everyone to press on and push through. I can't even being to talk about the encouragement that lens has been for me. We still have a long way to go but that girl is sticking by me through everything. We are having to find a way to communicate through this distance. Such a challenge.

I really enjoy knowing there are friends and family out there that care, that want to hear about me and lens. Friends that we care about. Thanks to all for the support and the love. Thanks to those who have stopped in to look after Lens for me. You all are a life saver. To my wife...much love and be strong. I love you deeply.

Here is a picture for everyone. Me and Ilse on the edge of the airboat in front of a beautiful sunrise on the trinity bay.

adoption talk

so we haven't said anything about adoption in a while....mostly, that's due to josh goin to the academy. life has so drastically changed since mid-october, and it's only been in the last couple weeks that we've managed to talk about anything else. really, there's not a lot to be said right now...but i'll say what i can.

we still haven't made any sort of definitive choice b/w an agency adoption and a private adoption. we haven't learned anything more significant about either direction....and for the most part, we still feel the same way (see jr's blog "popsicles and oil changes"). however, i think we have a few more words for why we feel the way we do.... well, at least i do.

i'm a do-er. i like organizing and problem solving and list-making and tangibly, practically working toward an end. all the time. it can be a weakness sometimes, as i can border on some ocd tendancies :) ... these tendancies lean me toward agency adoption. oddly enough, it's not b/c i think we'd have more control...but b/c it's a littler cleaner process...there are more fixed steps in the system: decide which agency, apply (which entails filling out extensive paperwork, signing contracts, etc), attend classes, pay the fees, schedule the home visit, and keep in contact w/the agency....and that's all BEFORE a baby is found for us. we do our part; they do theirs. there are tasks to be completed (some big, some small...varying in depth and complexity...but all clearly defined tasks), and the process is set in motion. can you see why i lean toward an agency? it's full of things for me to DO...even though finding a birth mother is not ultimately up to us, there are things to do. and that would at least help me feel better.

goin the private route is....well....exactly the opposite. we wait. we share our story w/people we know (and at times, some we don't). and we wait. sure, there will be plenty to do legally once an adoptive mother decides she wants josh and me to be her baby's adoptive parents....but those things will have to be done through an agency just the same. i'm talkin about today...now...tomorrow and next week....the private route doesn't come w/a marked map to follow.

and some days, it's almost like there's a moral opposition in us to payin someone thousands of dollars to find a baby who simply needs to be loved and tended to and provided for.

so that's where we sit....for now....

we have realized somethin new -- our decision to pursue adoption hasn't lessened the difficult pain of not bein able to get pregnant....that's been kinda surprising at times....i think we've been a little caught off-guard. but that's okay. josh would say "that's part of it." and i guess it is...and maybe always will be? i don't know.... all i'm certain of is our shared longing to become parents.