revelation

about four things have been happenin the last while here....wasps attempting to take up residence inside the house, lots of school for me, lots of work for josh, and an extended visit from grandma. a combination of cooler weather and several cans of wasp spray have about taken care of the insect attack...two smaller assignments for me before i'm finished for the semester...no signs of slowin down b/w now and january for josh...and grandma, who is recovering exceptionally well after her knee replacement had to be replaced, will be goin home this week. whew!

one of josh's responsibilities is to take care of deer that have been hit on the highways. just b/c i have the time, i'll share the whole story.... a few days ago, josh got a call that a monster deer had been hit, so he went to investigate. the buck was dead, but b/c of his size, josh took his horns so he can use them in presentations and such....last sunday, a lady came up to me after church, tellin me how josh had found her deer. i thought maybe she and her husband had some land and had been watchin this deer, thus the endearing "my" when she spoke of the deceased. nope. "i'm the one who hit him!" was her clarification. anyway....the local taxidermist did a european mount with the skull and horns. (this means the mount is just the horns and bleached skull...no glassy brown deer eyes following you, no dead deer hair, etc). he finished this up pretty quickly, and josh picked it up on his way home from work. the deer's new home was to be josh's office at the courthouse....but he was temporarily placed next to the couch in the livin room.

two important events came about after this placement.... one, he started to smell...so i politely asked josh to please take him to his office as soon as possible. secondly...well, a revelation occurred.

along w/the deer horns, josh also needed to take this really big atlas back out to his pickup...so using reason and logic, i placed this huge atlas right next to the deer mount....i rationally believed josh would remember the deer horns, go to retrieve them from the livin room, see the atlas, and take both items w/him to work. well, the next mornin, i reminded him about the horns....he proceeded to walk across the room, STEP OVER the atlas, pick up the horns, and turn to leave.

WHAT?

"josh, what about the atlas? don't you need to take it, too?" "what atlas?" oh my gosh...i about fell over. "oh, yeah, thanks...i didn't see it." WHAT?!?!

i asked him to wait a minute while i tried to process what had just happened....i had this feelin that if i took a moment to fully comprehend what had just happened, my life and our marriage might be changed.

after a few questions, reality was revealed. he honestly did not see the atlas. i don't understand it...i don't know how he couldn't see it....but i believed him...his face wasn't lyin (and if you know josh, you know his face is a dead give away for the truth).... so somehow, it is in fact true that he simply does not notice things sometimes....the very things that i pick up on immediately when i walk through our house (dirty socks, stacks of clean clothes, dishes, trash, blankets, stuff....)...i'm not completely lettin him off the hook! he's confessed to a few occasions of intentionally not pickin somethin up just to irritate me....but in general, he simply does not notice the same things i do...and he's not at all concerned w/stuff lyin around....

realizing all of this widened my eyes and made me laugh out loud! when i tried to explain it to him...how obvious the atlas was...how i had deliberately placed it next to the deer so he would see it....he eventually saw the situation from my point of view, chuckled, and left as if nothin had happened. of course.

hydrogen peroxide and funnies

well...it hasn't been quite a month since the last post...i've about decided i'm not gonna be able to swing the whole regular bloggin bit.

had a couple worthy game warden stories to share...

josh has officially experienced his first game warden-related injury, though it wasn't too bad. he and a few other wardens worked from dawn to dusk earlier this week tryin to catch enough fish for a big fish fry. (so...the game warden-related is a bit of a stretch...since he wasn't actually on duty). they jug-lined for over 130 catfish! if you don't know what jug-linin' is...well...it's a little more involved than a rod and reel. anyway, while josh was pullin one of the lines up, the fishin line sliced thru his finger. he was in a boat, on the middle of a lake, joined only by other very masculine men...so he figured wrappin a dirty rag around it secured w/a little duct tape would be sufficient.

side note: there's this thing that happens when you become a nurse...a thing that nurses joke about...and if you're close to one, you'll know what i'm talkin about.... one would think nurses would at all times display the utmost of sympathy and concern. well...that's not always how it happens. actually, most nurses tend to be pretty matter-of-fact and have tanks less than 1/4 full of pity.... that's not to say we don't get concerned about legitimate things, especially w/kiddos...but for full-grown adults? it takes a lot to invoke our sympathies.

so josh finally gets home around 8 or 8:30...we eat...we chit chat about our days...and then i ask him what's on his finger. he proceeds to tell me the story. probably a more naturally sympathetic wife would have insisted on a trip to the er and would have driven him herself. but that didn't happen here. we took off the nastiness referred to as the bandage and cleaned it as best we could. had he been home when this happened, a trip to the dr would have probably been justified...and stitches would probably have been in order. but at 9 at nite, the cut definitely did not warrant a trip to the er.....so we cleaned it and wrapped it up and repeated this a few times the first 24 hrs...then i found some steri-strips and plastered them on there. i think he'll be fine :)

also this week (it's been an eventful one!), josh went over to a neighboring county to help another warden w/an elementary school program. they had the 'operation game thief' trailer w/them, which houses a variety of antlers and stuffed animals and skins from confiscated game that were hunted illegally. the kids were all 4th graders, and josh came back w/some of the funniest stories!!

josh: can anyone tell me what kinds of birds these are?
kids: chickens! turkeys! peacocks! eagles!.....quail!
josh: that's right. they're quail. now can anyone tell me what kind of quail?
kids: boy quail!
josh: (smilin...not quite expectin a gender-specific answer) that's right, too. now can you tell me what kind of boy quail they are?
kids:.... ..... ..... (prolonged silence as they all squinted their little eyes and cocked their heads to the side).... ..... ........ ............ (then finally....) mohawk quail?!
josh: laughin

note: quail have fuzzy feathers on top of their heads that, indeed, look like mohawks :)

josh: can anyone tell me what kid of bird this is?
kids: turkey!
josh: that's right! can you tell me if it's a boy turkey or a girl turkey?
kid: that's a boy turkey!
josh: that's right. how do you know it's a boy turkey?
kid: 'cuz he's got chest hair (pointin to the turkey's beard)
josh: laughin....again

there were several stations at this program, and the game warden station was just one of them. inside this trailer were all the animals....and beneath or beside each animal/skin was a plaque explaining the story behind the animal. thus far, not one kid had seemed to pick up on this readily available information.

there were several stations at this program, and the game warden station was just one of them. also, at each station, the teachers would give the kids monopoly money for questions they answered correctly. one group came thru, and there was this little girl w/pig-tails, holdin a whole wad of monopoly cash.... so josh asked question after question, and each time, this little girl knew the right answer. over and over again....and her stack of money kept growin..... after it was all said and done, she came up to josh and confessed:

"you really shouldn't have given me all this money. all those questions you asked? i just read the information on the wall to get the right answer."

i think she deserved all that money for bein the only one smart enough to read the plaques!

they had a lot of fun....just laughed and laughed tellin me the stories :)

he's at a meeting the next couple days, so i'm gonna clean house and try to crank out some homework.

tid-bits

this is my attempt to blog more often....

pippin caught us a lizard the other day. great cat. he caught it in the house. better great cat. also, yuck!

josh is workin hard....and lovin it. game wardenin' is a pretty non-scheduled job. just in these first few months, he seems to be either super busy or not busy at all. it's so unlike any other job i've experienced....the first 2ish weeks of this month, he was hardly home for more than a nap....things have slowed down....but this comin weekend is openin bow season for deer....so he'll work like crazy, and i'll hardly see him for probably 3-4 days.

i function better when i'm on a set schedule. predictability, to-do lists, productivity. needless to say, bein a game warden is not that :) but it's very josh, and that's the best part.

i'm still pluggin away at school. lots of readin, lots of research, lots of writin....and i'm learnin so much. learnin a lot of things i didn't even know needed to be learned!

hmmm....what else? attemptin to join the ranks of those who use coupons to save some serious money on groceries....but that's been a slow and rather feeble effort thus far. .... also tryin to learn how to compost....again, slow and feeble....and also kinda buggy. i should probably stop there, as this list is quickly regressing....

thank you for readin....for those of you who faithfully comment, thank you...for your attention and your prayers....for those of you who don't comment, thank you for stickin w/us....

reviews and reminders

a number of potentially blog-worthy happenings have occurred lately....josh's first openin huntin season...the unexpected challenges of grad school...mama, grandma, and my precious niece comin down to visit for a couple days...maybe even a couple projects to report on, such as findin new josh-acceptable-recipes or composting.... and maybe such topics will surface here sometime.

but today, we've found ourselves in the seemingly inescapable confusing sadness of longing for children....

shortly after josh graduated from the academy, we decided to try some hormone therapy suggested by the infertility specialist in lubbock. the bottom line: both of our bodies are okay but neither is workin well enough to make this happen on our own. so...josh's folks were more than generous in lettin us bunk w/them for several days as we went back and forth to the dr for ultrasounds and new orders. the regimen basically consisted of idealizing my insides in order to give us the best possible chance of conception: meds to ensure my hormones would work a little more quickly, meds to ensure my eggs responded in a healthy manner, meds to ensure i would ovulate in a timely fashion....pills, shots, ultrasounds...a few times over.

we waited. we tried not to let our hopes soar thru the clouds...and yet, the further along we went, the more encouraging the nurse became...there was a decreasing amt of evidence to suggest the treatment wouldn't work. we laughed and joked and let ourselves dream again...unlike we'd had the stomach for in several months.

and then the day came for the actual pregnancy test.....

somehow, it didn't work. no one knows why, of course. there's only so much monitoring that can be done.... they monitored and controlled as much as could be monitored and controlled....

we were so disappointed. not devastated. devastation implies surprise....an element of the unexpected. if for no other reason than the longevity of this journey, we couldn't simply ignore the idea of the treatment not workin...so we weren't devastated. but disappointed for sure. we cried. i sat in josh's lap a lot. we kept doin what we knew to do - wake up, do whatever it is we had planned for the day, eat a couple meals, have normal conversation w/family, go to sleep. there wasn't a thing to say.... to each other, to ourselves, to family and friends. not a thing.

for just a couple weeks (before the pregnancy test), we had a bit of reprieve. a break from the weight and the ache and frustration....from the awkwardness of conversation....from the inevitable shruggin of shoulders toward the end of such conversations....for just a little while, we breathed the fresh air of new hope....dared to stand on our wobbly legs....w/new earth beneath our feet....delight. it was a delightful time.

and then that soft earth crumbled beneath us....the air grew heavy once again...and we found ourselves in the familiar streams of longing unfulfilled.

and yet, the world doesn't stop. our friends keep havin babies....others findin out they're pregnant for the first time...or the third.... it seems awful when the first reaction to such news is a twisting of our hearts...a wrestlin match b/w rejoicing w/them, bein glad for them and runnin head long into confusion, all kinds of self-righteousness, even envy....

again, we find ourselves in a place of wordlessness....afterall, what's left to say?

we hesitate to write so honestly here....readin stuff on the computer can be so one-dimensional...neither the writer nor the reader's time allows for all the disclaimers and further explanations to ensure miscommunication doesn't occur...and we don't write to gain pity....

but we write. i think maybe we need to write.....b/c we're not as near to some of you as we would like to be...to those of you who want to know what's really goin on...to those of you who have remained loving and faithful.

so that’s where we are...on a practical note, i think we'll probably try the treatment again...but as my strong and tender hearted husband suggested, we need to give our hearts a chance to recover before strappin in again....

summer begins to wind down

though neither of us is in school, we somehow managed to pull off a pretty nice summer break. josh had shoulder surgery the first week in july and continues to recover pretty well. we have an appt w/the dr this week, and we're hopin he'll release josh to go back to work! in light of his surgery, month-long inability to drive, and follow-up appointments, i delayed startin a new job...i'm plannin on turnin in an application at the hospital here in seymour this week... but all in all, we've had several weeks here of no work for either of us. we've rested and played and laughed and had a chance to reconnect after seven months apart. we're grateful...

the past couple months, we've spent an unusual amt of time on the road....almost entirely b/w seymour and lubbock or seymour and amarillo....though it's been tiring, we've been able to spend quite a bit of time w/our families, which has been good. lots of laughs, a couple projects, and plenty of piddlin around.... we also took a quick vacation to....drum roll, please...las vegas. yep...we ventured west for a couple days to be overwhelmed w/the sheer amt of over-stimulation....people, noise, lights...as josh said, everything's for sale in vegas. we had fun, though....saw some neat things and laughed a whole lot.

i also just found out i've been accepted into grad school at midwestern state university over in wichita falls. i'll be studyin to become a nurse practitioner. it was really late notice, so i'm scramblin to get things together in order to start in a couple days.... after adjustin a bit to the news, i told josh, w/some eagerness in my voice, "i love school!"

we're gettin to know seymour...little by little. as i recently wrote to some friends - the weather's hot, the pace is slow, and the people are wonderful. it's been dreadfully hot and dry here this summer, as we take our place among the many in texas suffering from drought. the pace is refreshingly slow....livin in a small town, you lose a lot of convenience...but i'm pretty sure convenience isn't all it's cracked up to be. and the people really are wonderful. they've been warm and sincere and friendly....folks in small towns innately take care of each other, and josh and i have been fortunate to be on the receiving end of that.

we've decided to go the methodist church here in town...the first chance we had to go was just a couple weeks after josh's surgery, so we were movin a little more slowly than normal. well, we ended up bein pretty late...really late, actually....we tried to sneak in and sit toward the back w/o drawin much attention to ourselves. then suddenly, right in the middle of the service, our sweet landlord stands up in the choir loft and announces, "i have a joy! i think i just saw josh and lindsey walk in. they're our new game wardens!" all of our sneaky efforts blasted out of the water..... the next week, we still couldn't manage to get to church on time....but we were only about 5 minutes late, so we thought we were safe....nope...this time, our landlord was the lay leader...so again, though not as far into the service, he announces (and in doin so, interrupts himself) our arrival. needless to say, we have not been late since then.... this mornin, when he stood up in the choir loft and began, "i have a joy," we both stared straight ahead thinkin, "but we were here on time!" and then breathed a sigh of relief when the folks he mentioned were not us....

so there you have it....w/the best of intentions, i'm hopin we can blog more regularly...now that we're livin together again and have internet access...now that we're not livin on the road or w/our parents....now that we're finally settlin into life in seymour....

a lot has happened

the last few weeks have been....busy, eventful, and filled w/transition. up until about a week ago, i had a legitimate excuse for not bloggin for a while, as we didn't have internet set up here at the house for a couple weeks. since then, though, i've just been a little short on words....

not b/c we haven't had anything happenin since our last post. actually, several significant things have happened - josh graduated! i finished up at the va. we had a crazy week of travellin around the state. we've moved to seymour. we have the most wonderful landlords for our little while farm house that sits in the middle of a wheat field. in a matter of just a few days down here, we had numerous stories to tell about livin in an old house and the first official days of josh bein a game warden....

it's just that josh has been really busy, and i've been really tired....

he's beamin all the time....excited to be a game warden and enthralled w/the adventure :)

i had three things i wanted to do once we moved:
1. sleep
2. read
3. unpack a little along the way

i've been fortunate enough to have had a couple weeks of just those three things. i'm feelin more rested than i have in months. i've read or finished several books. and all the functional things in the house are set up and operational...w/only pictures and decorations remaining.

once we have some time, we'll post some pictures....from graduation and the surrounding festivities, of our house, and of our new life here. hopefully that will happen in the next day or two. and now that we have internet and seem to be settlin into life in the hottest part of texas, we'll get back on the bloggin wagon.

weekend in seymore

josh and i will both be in seymore this weekend...though not together really.

josh is headed north tomorrow. he'll spend the next 5 days w/his new captain and future-fellow wardens. they'll work the lake there (lake kemp)...and josh will begin meetin a whole bunch of folks he'll be workin alongside. just talked to him this evenin, and i could hear some relief in his voice at havin a few days away from the academy on the horizon.

the last couple days, i've been tryin to get a hold of some realtors there in seymore so that i could look at a few houses on saturday. this is proven to be a surprisingly....slow endeavor. nonetheless, the plan at the moment is for mama and i to drive down friday nite and spend saturday lookin at houses. we have no expectations of actually findin a place to live so soon....just hopin to get a general idea of the housing market and what some of our options might be come june.

in the meantime, we're countin down the days to graduation....

as a baby-side-note....i had the hsg test done last friday...it was less than comfortable, but the good news is that it was good news! for the first time in over 3 years, a test was run w/definitively positive results. such a relief.... playin phone tag w/the infertility specialist at the moment, as any next step is yet to be determined.

i'll try to post sometime early next week w/a seymore update....

p.s. congratulations to josh's sister and brother-in-law! mendi just officially finished her first year of law school-wife-motherhood....and bryan just graduated w/his doctorate. way to go, yall!

big news!

after a rather significant week and a trip to abilene and back this weekend, i'm zapped....so i don't have much descriptive capacity this evenin. nonetheless, we have some news....

josh passed the tclos exam! woo-hoo!!!

he was also given his first duty assignment -- baylor county. it's just sw of wichita falls....the town we'll live in is seymore....and it just so happens this was our number one choice on the 'wish list.' i think we're pretty fortunate...

more to say, but i'm out of words tonite.

the usual progress note

the past few days have been busy...the next few promise to be significant.

josh spent the last week in east texas, playin in the water, drivin boats, and eatin crawfish. they got back to the academy friday evenin, and he's spendin the weekend down there. he's got a big test comin up on wednesday, so he needed the weekend to study.

for any of you who know a nurse...or who were near to me about 3 years ago might be vaguely familiar w/the nclex. it's the state licensing exam required to become an rn. basically, a whole bunch of money, hundreds of hours studyin, years of strain on one's person and family...can all be spent in the name of nursing school....but if you don't pass the nclex, it was all for not. well, this test josh has comin up wednesday is the law enforcement equivelant. 'tclos' - though i'm not exactly sure what it stands for. anyway, all these guys at the academy can spend 6 months studyin, away from their families, pt-ing every morning, sharin bathrooms and bunks...and if they don't pass the tclos exam....sorry!

so josh will take this test on wednesday....he's understandably very nervous, but we have no doubt he'll do well. the next day, the cadets will be given their assignments...or duty stations...or station assignments....or whatever they're called....they'll be told the counties they've been assigned to. so in less than a week, we'll know where we're goin! for those of you who haven't heard, we already know we won't be stayin in the panhandle. we're sad to be leavin our families and friends....but like i told josh a couple weeks ago -- at this point, it's hard for me to care where we end up geographically, as long as we can be there together....

as is usual for my blogs....i gotta tell you a little about the academy stuff and a little about the baby stuff

about a week ago, i went to see the infertility specialist in lubbock. she wants to run a couple tests to see how things are workin in me.... blood's already been drawn...and this next week, i'll have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done. (i don't know how to give yall the link to find out more....). basically, it's a test to see if my tubes are open. seein as how we've never posted very detailed information about tests and such, i'll leave it at that for now :)

and that's about it....but i think that'll be more than enough to keep us occupied the next few days.

i'm afraid we haven't ever thanked yall....for keepin up w/us...for stayin connected...for offerin your prayers and encouragements and hopes....for wantin what's best. so thank you...though it's long overdue...and please know we appreciate you stickin w/us....

Mr. McCrary's Thoughts

Picture of the whole group, I am in the back far left.

Me and Royce being all serious.

Yes, that is me, in my dads old wetsuit, scary!!!

Well, I guess that you can imagine that this is Josh by now. I have alot that I want to share with everyone. I find myself torn between writing about the academy, my wife, and my future baby. Maybe I will try to talk about all of them. The last couple of weeks have been absolutely crazy down here at the academy. We have done everything from swift water rescue to standardized field sobriety testing. I have some pictures from swift water that I will try to share with everyone. I have had a good time with the training lately but the weeks are getting longer and the loneliness of not having my wife is growing more intense every hour. As some of you know my dad made a surprise visit to the academy a couple of weeks ago. Let me lay out the scene for you. The Lt. Colonel Craig Hunter was talking to the whole class and all of a sudden says, "Hi Mokey." I froze as everyone turned around to look at the back. Although I already knew what stood at the back. I kept thinking, "who else could I know that is a game warden that is named Mokey?" I couldn't come up with another.....Yes it was my dad. It turned out to be a great experience. Dad addressed the class and stayed around for a little while to answer some questions. The next week dad returned to teach a class that he has taught for almost 20 years. SFST (standardized field sobriety testing) basically a class to be able to tell when someone is intoxicated. It entailed three days of classroom mixed with 25 wardens drinking to the point of intoxication and then all of us cadets testing these wardens to determine level of intoxication. Needless to say it was an interesting couple of days. For one I have never really discussed the whole drinking idea with my parents, and all of a sudden I am in the middle of multiple drunks with my father teaching me things that he has been doing for several decades. Every day that I am here at the academy I am learning more and more about the life that my father had that me and my sister new very little about. At the same time everyone that I talk to has nothing but deep respect for my father and all of the things he has done for game wardens. It is an interesting and very confounding thing to walk through on a daily basis. To look at people and think, "I think in some ways you knew him more than I did." I want to strive for my kids to know all of me all the time. Not that the way my father did it was wrong, just different.

Also most of you know that we sold our house. Actually, my wife did it all. She is an amazing woman and has taken on so much in my absence that I can't even begin to tell everyone what an amazing woman she is. All of this is so hard because I feel so strongly that there are certain things that I am required to provide to/for my wife and I feel totally incapable here in Hamilton. I find myself listening to my bunkmate Johnson talking to his little boy on the phone (although talking is a loose term for the gibberish they do, but still amazing) and I get kinda down in the fact that when I call my wife I don't have a son or daughter to talk to. I lay in bed at nights thinking, "maybe if we just hold out for a couple of more months we will get pregnate and it will be a little Josh or a little Lens." But at the same time I am terrified that if I keep doing that 20 years will pass by and me and lens will still be without a child to raise as our own. So the more I think about it the best decision that I could make it to go ahead and lay down my inability to provide a child and venture out onto the limb of adoption. It saddens me terribly to think of being "incapable" and I think this is a huge emotional hurdle that I am going to have to get past. But I want to be a daddy, and I want to see Lens hold her baby. This seems like a place that I would normally throw in a funny saying or something that would make me feel better, but I have nothing tonight. I am longing for a baby, I am longing for my wife, I am really ready to be done with this damn academy. I think of all of these things and I know how strongly I feel about them. And throughout my marriage I have learned that lindseys feelings and emotions (although not always on the surface) are so very intracate and delicate and deep. So, I know she is struggling and is hurting terribly for all of the same things and more. And Lindsey, I couldn't have picked a woman in this whole world that I would rather walk through all of this crap with other than you.

I am tired and have to be up early for ATV training.

oh the time

i just realized it's been more than a month since our last post...and what a month it has been! we've packed our house and moved 98% of our personal belongings into a storage building. the house is officially sold. i can now be counted among those twenty-somethings that move back in w/their folks. and josh is trudgin thru the last few weeks of the academy.

honestly, i could write an entire blog about any one of the above happenings...but for this evenin, i just wanted to touch base...to see if i can get back in the swing of things. kinda like my new-found efforts to get a little more excercise.... had grand intentions of runnin and gettin a full-blown work out this afternoon...well, after wakin up from my post-work nap, i managed a 22 minute, moderately-paced, inclined walk on the treadmill. not exactly what i was shootin for, but at least i did a little.... so this blog, rather than bein a good couple mile run will most likely be a 20 minute inclined walk :)

academy briefing - just a hair over 2 months until that blessed day of june 9th! josh has completed his evoc training (not sure if that's how you spell it)...that's the training they go thru to teach them how to manuever their pickups at pretty high speeds. also, for any of you in the bigger cities, particularly around austin, there's a chance you might see him on the news this week...i think they're havin a big ground-breaking ceremony for all the work they're fixin to do at the academy to turn it into a top of the line facility. too bad josh was one of the scrubs stuck there before any of that :).

adoption briefing - really the only thing to report is that i finally made an appt w/the dr in lubbock. shortly after our last post, i realized the month of march would be full of packing and house stuff....so rather than stress about crammin in an important dr's appt, we opted to wait until house stuff was in the rear-view mirror. anyway...i go see this dr at the end of april. guess we'll go from there.

and that's really about it....unless, of course, it's worth mentioning amarillo has experienced a blizzard and a short-lived dust storm in the last 10 days...and i'm a bit anxious about what this weekend will bring :)

oh! this weekend! this comin sunday is our 6th anniversary....for those of you who wondered w/us whether we'd make it this far....here we are....and more in love than we've ever been.

catch up

there seem to be two somewhat distinct fronts in our life right now: the academy and adoption. about every other day, i think of somethin i would consider blog-worthy...but i have difficulty deciding b/w the fronts....why a decision has to be made, i don't know. it's entirely arbitrary.

today is no different.

various happenings have occurred on both fronts the past few weeks...so here's a brief run-down:

just a few days more than 3 months, and the academy will be over! it's beginning to grind in both of us.... the first few weeks of this were so traumatic...then we had christmas break...then january was the "this sucks, but we can do it" month...februrary turned into a month of frustration and hundreds of decisions to keep on keepin on... it's just flat out hard. we're beginnin to catch glimpses of some of the struggle that will be waitin for us come june - right now, josh is livin in hamilton, and in his free time, does what he wants to do....i'm livin at home and more or less doin what i want to do....neither of us has to consult the other for any kind of shared decision w/daily stuff.....that's pretty much a recipe for tension when we are actually livin together again. completely do-able...just startin to stir up the dust a little when we get together on the weekends.

josh brought his friend royce home again this weekend....he came home w/josh a few weeks ago. in light of the paragraph above, it should go w/o sayin that josh and i butted heads a little the past couple days.... i told royce he's now an official friend since he's been around for some josh and lindsey tension! (there are a few of yall readin this that are probably laughin out loud...and i appreciate that.)

more academy-related news.... we've sold our house. such a relief! we don't know where we'll be goin come june, but there's almost no chance we'll get to stay in this house...my folks were a huge help in the informal advertising...and we have a contract on the table now. woo-hoo! -- and that also means that i'm startin to pack a little. boo-hoo :(

on the adoption end of things.... we've been readin up on a few more adoption agencies....we're hopin to get together w/a couple agencies in lubbock in the new few weeks... we recently learned more about the tax credit that's available to adoptive parents...the credit is substantial, so it could make goin thru an agency much more financially feasible. -- i'm also gonna go see an infertility specialist in lubbock (date pending).... so far, all the tests done and blood drawn basically say "more or less normal"....but still no pregnancy....so all we've gone thru has been inconclusive at best. my ob/gyn suggested i go see this guy in lubbock for just one or two more tests that should be more definitive.

i don't deal well w/loose ends....unresolved anything is difficult for me to manage/handle/know what to do with. so although we've decided to pursue adoption, there's been a hitch in the back of my mind (or heart?)....a hitch that slows me down when it comes to diving into the world of adoption...a hitch that's holdin out for the chance to surprise josh one weekend w/the most wonderful news of our lives..... if i go to this infertility guy, and he gives me conclusive information, a definitive diagnosis explaining that i won't be able to conceive and carry a baby....i'll be crushed. the tears fillin my eyes now won't compare to those that will stream at such news.... but at least i'll know. at least we'll be able to stop holdin out...at least the hitch will finally let loose, and we can give ourselves fully to adoption.

that's our world right now....the grind of the academy and separation...the weight of our longings for a baby.... and around and around we go . . .

pretty good chance march/april will be eventful months, so i'll try to get a little better at postin and keepin yall up to date....

Liquid Hell

This is Josh, if you don't alread know. If you keep reading my grammatical mistakes will probably give me away. I should warn you I can't promise to keep my up coming story free of creative words.

This last week has been the one of the hardest weeks of my life. I am learning so much and just as much mental stuff as emotional stuff. Just how to control my emotions and my thoughts, and my "brain power" (what little there is). Me and lens are not enjoying being apart, it is much harder than I thought. But here we are about half way.

My week: Monday we got to shoot all day, very good day. Tuesday was incedibly hard, we had to get certified to handcuff people....tremedously tedious. Wednesday......OH WENDNESDAY...

Wednesday we got shot with OC spray. Oleoresin Capsicum as it is scientifically known, liquid hell to anyone who has ever been sprayed with it. It in an all natural spray that is made from the juices of peppers that are grown in hell. So they make this stuff and put in a pressurized container and spray it in peoples eyes to obtain compliance through pain. So being a peace officer that will have to carry OC we have to get sprayed with it to determine the effects for ourselves and also to know how long we can react if it gets in our eyes. So one at a time they take us into a field (while everyone else gets to watch) and we have to stand there and take a shot of this orange liquid in the forehead and eyes. Then we have to run over to a punching bag and hit it for a couple of seconds, then run and pick up a gun and follow a man that is running side to side while hollaring directions at him. Doesn't sound that hard, or at least that is what I thought.

So I see a couple of other guys taking shots in the face and I start to get worried. I decide I better go next or I might not go at all. So I step up and stick out my chest and suck in my gut. Close my eyes and shut my mouth then this cold liquid hits me in the face. I open my eyes and go run to the bag, hit it a couple of times, then run to the gun and pick it up and follow the LT around yelling at him. Not too bad so far. Then my partner escorts me to the water. Still not that bad (about 30 seconds after impact). I then stick my head in a bucket of water and when it comes out.....pain beyond reason. You are physically incapable of opening your eyes, and it feels like someone cut the top of your face and is activley peeling you skin from your skull while pouring battery acid on it at the same time.

I had thought this whole thing was going to be bad, but never anything to this extent. So I utter a few choice words, the commence to try to keep washing while trying to keep breathing. It is so bad that there were several times when i really thought that I might not make it through all of this. I wanted to lay down and die. I was like f*ck this....game wardens can keep it and I just want my eye balls back. Mean while your nose just lets go. I had snot from my nose all the way to the ground in one continous stream (yuck I know you should have been there).

Not only is my eyes burning but my whole face and ears and hands. 20 mins go by and I can finally open my eyes to see the world. I can tell you I have never been so excited to have my sight back. I really didn't think it was possible for a human to be able to see after something like that. The SHU was 2,000,000. Next time you are on the net looking up SHU you will see how damn hot this stuff was.

Thats all. I am sorry I don't have a really cool anology like my wife, which was pretty impressive. But OC day is behind me and I couldn't be happier. Feels like a huge step in our journey to game wardeness.

Oh yeah, everything subsides in about 50 mins. Then you go take a shower that night and the water and steam reactivate it all over again. Like I have heard before, I wish I could find the guy that decided to put something like that in a bottle and spray it in someones eyes and when I found him I would kick him in the...... shin

halfway

it's friday nite...josh is on his way home...and i'm tryin to will myself away from the addictiveness of facebook (my latest venture). so i thought i'd see if writin a blog would facilitate me removin myself from this chair...

we've been really fortunate the last few weeks, as josh has been able to come home every weekend since christmas. he's carpooled w/dalhart (there's a guy from dalhart, but i have no idea how to spell his name, so i just call him 'dalhart') a few times and brought his fried royce ilsie home. we've piddled and played and watched movies and just enjoyed bein near each other...i don't think either of us are gettin used to this separation, which is good, i think. we're a week away from the seemingly pivotal half-way mark.

ya know...there's somethin about gettin to that place...or rather, takin one step on the other side of half-way. momentum seems to pick up a little...and a vague sense of downhill motion eases the mind. it's not all easy breathin this side of it, though. - i'm reminded of the last time josh and i went backpackin.

we went to colorado and started in. after a long day's work, we settled for the evenin in this quiet valley. our plans were to wake up the next day, take a day trip up to 'the window' and come back. judgin by where we thought we were on the map, we thought the endeavor would be about 4ish miles roundtrip...so we took a little food, some water, and headed out leisurely. we climbed and clamored and clamored and climbed...to the point of nearly exhausting ourselves...and this was all before we even reached the summit of 'the window' itself. i distinctly remember reachin this place...past the trees and shadows of the timber...into a sort of clearing...the grass was short, and there were little sprigs of mountain flowers all over the place...stones, from the size of pebbles to boulders, were scattered around....and up ahead, i saw the formation known as 'the window.' it was remarkable...adventurously inviting...and daunting.

i was beginnin to feel physically ill from the exhaustion...nauseated, trembly, foggy-headed...i was spent. or so i thought....w/'the window' w/in shoutin distance, we couldn't stop. we couldn't turn around. we had to go on...we had to. have you ever felt this way before? and that last 150-200 yards was the hardest length of the trip. i'd put my head down, take a deep breath, steady my respirations, and take as many steps as i could before almost fallin down....then i'd pause, stand up straight, look at the peak, fill my lungs w/thrilling mountain air, then duck my head and go a little farther. over and over i did this....until i finally made it. i think josh had to physically help me up the last few steps.... and we stood there. together. arms around each other. feelin like we were on top of the world....hands tremblin, legs shakin, hearts poundin...and the pure joy of that moment seemed to halt the spinning of the earth.

and then we had to head back downhill.

the downhill trek was still work...my whole person was so tired...but it was a different kind of tired than comin up. it was a worthwhile tired...a fulfilled exhaustion.... this stillness inside that rested, "we went all the way. it was so hard, and we kept goin till there wasn't any place left to go."

and yet...the hardest part of that day was the 150-200 yards just before the peak....that last little bit before we were half-way finished. and that's kinda how we feel right now, i think. after next weekend, we can reasonably say "we're almost there." if we can just keep goin...just keep on keepin on (like some of my dear friends would say), we'll get to graduation and a new version of our life together. but now...the past couple weeks...i think we've both fought the urge to give up...to throw in the towel, feelin like the messiness of these 7 months isn't worth what we can't see. fortunately, we haven't both had days like that at the same time....

amazingly enough, though, we're really doin okay. this continues to be difficult and frustrating, and honestly, it just flat-out sucks. but we're okay. appreciation is ever-lengthening in us...gratitude growing for how far we've come together....and deep rivers of love are holding us strongly and tenderly.

sidenote: what we thought was gonna be 4ish miles roundtrip turned into 4-5 miles oneway....so after about 9 miles and several hours, we stumbled into camp and crashed.

nada

not feelin very creative tonite...no funny stories to tell...or adoption-related revelations to share. just feelin a bit disconnected from the blog, so i'm attempting to re-establish our relationship.

josh is sick. i'm finally well. go figure.

it's really cold here in bushland. drove to town a little while ago, and a thin layer of ice actually formed on my windshield after gettin onto i-40. whatever cold fronts blow thru here usually hit hamilton by the next day. i don't know that it gets quite as cold there...but if you're one of the cadets runnin outside @ 6 in the mornin, below freezin is below freezin.

josh brought his friend royce home for the weekend. he's better known to yall as "ilsy" (in the picture w/josh on the coast @ dawn). i think they had a lot of fun. josh and daddy took him prairie dog huntin...and they were like three little boys at disney land. quite entertaining :). then sunday mornin, josh and royce met up w/jimmy and watched jimmy hunt birds w/his hawk vinny. haven't heard any crazy stories from that trip, but i'm sure it was exciting.

that's really about all for now. i'm gonna go wrap up in a blanket and read for a while.

remnant

though it requires constant effort, i prefer tidiness. i prefer clothes and dishes and decorations and bills to be in their place. towels folded neatly, cleanin supplies organized. since josh has been gone, i've cleaned up and organized 2 closets and the garage...both of which were josh's domain prior to the academy. it's...therapeutic for me to engage in such activities.

opposites most surely attract.

my preference for tidiness and josh's personal indifference have been a source of tension b/w us, as you can well imagine. however, after bein married almost 6 years, we are slowly learnin how to adjust such tendancies for the sake of the other's sanity (mine) or liberty (his). bottom line - stray shoes and strewn clothes only annoy me now (rather than enrage me)...and josh's tidiness effort has increased significantly.

now that we have such physical distance b/w us, my compulsion to keep the house picked up goes out the window when we comes home. w/what little time we have together, i've realized i need and want to spend time w/him rather than expeding my time and energy keepin stuff in its place.

josh came home this weekend.....kind of a kamakazi trip, really...he didn't get home until midnight friday and had to be back on the road by noon today (sunday). but our time was relaxed and sweet. we had no plans to fulfill or hard conversations to have...we just slept and laughed and watched a movie and caught up a little.

he's gone again...and this time apart continues to realign and restructure my perspective...

when josh came home, there was a huge pile of green wrappin paper on the coach. he asked me, "what was in that?" it did indeed look like a huge present had been unwrapped. but my answer? "morgan." our sweet, beautiful little 4 year old friend was at the house the other nite...and as green is her most favorite color, i couldn't help but let her unroll what was left of some christmas wrappin paper and play w/it. that was 4 days ago. and the paper's still on the couch.

now that i have all the time in the world, i find myself not wantin to get the house in tip-top shape....b/c that would mean i'd have to put josh's boots in his closet and his hat on the hat rack. the small pile of clothes he left behind would have to be put away, and the pillow he slept on would have to be moved. and the green wrappin paper would find its way to the trash.

havin this remnant around helps comfort me a little. that may be weird...but oh well. the house doesn't feel quite so empty w/josh's towel hangin up in the bathroom. -- probably when all is said and done and we're back to livin under the same roof again, the stray shoes and dirty socks will once again annoy me....but maybe not. b/c now i can see that such things are evidence of josh bein here, feelin comfortable and at home...and havin a tidy house is definitely not worth the cost of him bein gone.

tough week

been a tough week for us...

i've been sick for over a week now. finally took a day off work to rest and recover. blah.

josh has been really stressed this week. i'm not real sure of all the details - mostly b/c such details require a moderate comprehension of the law enforcement vocabulary, which i haven't yet acquired. i do know that they're coverin a HUGE amt of material this week that challenges one's memorization skills. josh is studyin like crazy and workin hard...and feelin the pressure. he'll take the test on friday. WHEN he passes, he'll head this way so we can meet up for the weekend.

it's so easy to get frustrated and discouraged when pure exhaustion seems to be at the forefront. i'm hopin for some sleep and assurance for both of us.

deep breath

it's the second day of the new year...and i'm feelin a bit pressured to post some sort of "new year's resolution" thing. though if you were to ask me, i couldn't tell you the direction from which this ambiguous pressure is comin. par for the course, i suppose.

honestly, i'm not big on such resolutions. seriously - who do you know that's stuck to one? yeah, me neither. i've been thinkin a little differently the past few days...not so much about resolutions but anticipations (if that word can be used as a noun). when the thought first occurred to me, my rxn was "oh this will be great! how creative of me. i'll have a top 10 things i'm lookin forward to in 2009." now that january 2nd is almost over, my list is far from meeting the number ten. over and over, there have only been a couple of anticipations that have resounded in me...
- june 11
- becoming a little person's mama and daddy

josh graduates from the academy on june 10...so the very next day might be my most anticipated calendar date. as the academy continues to unfold, and as josh and i venture out into a new life come june, there will be countless adjustments and changes and newness-es...but i don't know what any of that will look like, so i can't include any of that in my list. though i'm not pregnant...and though there hasn't been much rubber-meets-the-adoption-road happenings....we're so hoping 2009 will be the year we become parents.

i have a dear friend who talks about the value of 'delayed gratification'...how it teaches us the importance of patience and perspective...and helps us to more honestly appreciate that which we have waited for. -- there was a time in our marriage when gettin pregnant and havin a baby would have wrought turmoil for us....when all that came w/a baby was scary and messy and inconvenient. one of the most deterring things we heard was "you won't ever get to sleep in." when we heard those words and felt the shockwaves of recognition, we knew we weren't willing to be parents at that point. now, i'm not entirely naive :). i know even havin a baby now will be messy and inconvenient, both in ways i cannot imagine. and it's still very frightening to think of the permanency and risk innate in children. but as our currently sought after gratification is bein delayed, i can tell you most assuredly - it will be worth it. we want the sleepless nites....the chaos...the missing shoes...the financial adjustments...the endless loads of laundry...we ache for the frustrations of scheduling and meals and whose turn it will be to change the diaper...we joyfully look forward to those moments that still time itself....all the expected firsts, the laughin and playin and sweet sleepin and games and picures....and those times that seem too sacred to even type tonite. all of it...we're longing for all of it.

i hope (dare i say anticipate????) 2009 to be a year of new dreams . . .